It is here
The week of BETT
The beginning of the end
The beginning of reliving the end
Tilda’s end
Tilda died on the last day of BETT 2013
David had been working away all week
Had barely seen us all
This is a tough time of year for us
On so many levels
In so many ways
This year will be the third anniversary of Tilda’s death
Three long years without our baby girl
An eternity
That sometimes feels like the blink of an eye
I am honestly amazed that I am still here
Still going on
Still going on going on
But here I am
Planning the ways, the days
To remember our beautiful daughter
Our little girl who should soon be turning four
Should soon be starting school
Our little girl always missing
Forever part of all we do
Gone
For three years I have refused to live because of Tilda
I have shut out the people in my life who love me most
I have hidden away from normal life
But not any more
This year
My 40th year
I choose to live again
I choose to honour my daughter
By living for her
Living through her
And making every moment count
Bea is my inspiration
Her enormous appetite for life
Her ability to do anything she puts her mind to
Her total absence of fear
I want to live again
For my children
All of them
I have been thinking about when I was most happy as a Mummy
It was 2011 – 2012
Esther and William were the age that Bea is now
I was pregnant with Tilda
The scary part of raising premature twins seemed over
My pregnancy was straightforward
I was out every day with Esther and William
To one or two classes a day
We had a great routine
We were out and about all the time
Doing things, seeing people
I was not scared or anxious
I was a confident mummy of twins
I was not grieving
I was full of hope
The future looked bright
I want to find that happiness again
Feel that peace
For too long I have misplaced my loyalty
Had my priorities wrong
It is time to make them right
My living children need to be my main priority
Before my grief
Before my fundraising
Before campaigning
Before my blog
My job
The children that I teach
I have been blinded by fear and pain, loss and grief
But now I am starting to feel
And I know what I want to do
What I need to do
For me
My husband
And our very precious little people
My focus, my energy, my attention
Needs to be at home
I want to enjoy my children as they grow
Without distraction
Without guilt
Without fear
I love them unconditionally
And I want them to know
I want them to see and feel my love
I want them to never ever doubt
That they are my peace
They are my happiness
They are my love
Well said Jennie. It’s nice to hear you sounding so determined and sure of yourself. Xx
Live gorgeous lady live x there’s a part of Tilda in Bea x I’m sure of it, she could be so different, but she’s not x
I think this is the hardest balance to reach, because there’s that primal part of you screaming out to not leave your daughter behind, and then there’s another, longing to live and do right by your living children. I don’t have other children yet; Lily was my first, but I do feel guilty towards Lily for shutting down and not living, because I just want to make her proud. I feel grateful for this time I have to just focus on Lily and she gives me the strength to face every day. It’s the most conflicting reality in the world to face, but you’re doing bloody brilliant, and by living, you’ll be living right there in the now with all four of your babies by your side <3
Must be so hard finding the balance, all the best. Lovely photos x
So lovely to hear the turnaround and the positivity, especially at such a difficult time. Hoping you have found some peace with yourself and that you can enjoy the life ahead of you all whilst still remembering Tilda x
Hugs lovely. You can do this. Xx
Beautiful, as always. I hope that you find your peace and happiness lovely. It is so important to put your family and happiness first. I look forward to reading your journey to a happier you. Hugs Lucy xxxx
Such positive words, love this Jennie. That last photo of you and Bea is just so beautiful xx
I hope you can find the place you feel you need to be and have the strength to get there and stay there.