2016 is well under way now
But for me and for mine
A new year is just beginning
Another year without our Tilda
Without our baby in the sky
This year should be her fourth year
This year is my fortieth year
This is a year for living
This is a year to choose life
I am going to be #livingforTilda
Recently I have learned
That I am not yet ready to give myself to others
I only have the strength and the energy to focus on me
And mine
And now
Grief is tiring
It is a daily struggle
But I am able to beat the battles
To embrace and deal with my grief
And care for my family
If I put me and my family first
#familyfirst
So this year I will no longer be hiding behind Matilda Mae
I will be #livingforTilda
I don’t think it is going to be easy
I am still going to find living hard
But my plan is to focus on the little things
Find the positive in every day
#embracehappy
And make magical memories with my children
All of them
Here and in heaven
A new Tilda year
A new start for our family
And this is how …
Take Better Care of Me
I say this at least once a year
But I mean it this time
It is time to take better care of me
So that I can better take care of them
My plan?
A weekly bath
Reading books
Solitary swimming
Country walks
Lunches with friends
Dinners with David
Time for me
That is mine
To do things that make me happy
Take Better Care of David
He is the protector
He looks after us all in so many ways
He provides for us
Saves us
Keeps us safe
He is the fixer
The facilitator
The Daddy
He is our everything
Everything he does is for us
I need to make it possible for him to have time for him
To do what makes him happy outside of the family home
Running
Training
Creating
Drinking and dining with friends
David needs time to be David
As I need time to be me
Then we also need time to be together
As a couple as well as a family
As with all things and all people
We need time
Going Places
This year I want to try and move forward
I want to get back my hunger for life
I want to appreciate the little things
But also have some big things to look forward to
Some places to go
I am planning to spend a few weeks with my parents in Spain
We will have Tilda’s birthday at Coombe Mill Farm
And Esther and William want to return to Bluestone again
My sister and I are planning a long weekend in Germany
It is my 40th year!
And because it is a special year
I would also like this to be the year
We take our children to Lapland
For all the magic of Christmas
But also because
When Tilda died
It was winter for such a long time
And we have not really had a proper winter since
In all that my missing Tilda
I am longing for snow
The ice cold, beauty of snow
Being Mummy
I think since Tilda died
I have not been a brilliant Mummy
I have been distracted
This new Tilda year
I am determined to be the best Mummy I can be
I want all my time and energy to be focused on being a good Mummy
Good enough
A Mummy that all my children can be proud of
I want to enjoy being with my children
I want my job to be playing with them
Teaching them
Learning with them
Adventuring alongside them
I have already taken the first steps needed to make this so
Home Improvements
This year we are extending and improving our house
Making it into a family home
That will help us make the most of our time together
We moved into this house in July 2012
Tilda died in 2013
Our hopes and dreams for the house were halted
But we are ready now
To create something wonderful
For us all to enjoy
This new year
This new Tilda year
Is all about making the little things the big things
Making the moments count
Making magical moments that will be treasured memories
We know all too well
That each day may be our last
It is time to start living again
#livingforTilda
And putting our #familyfirst
All of these plans
These hopes and dreams
Take time and thought and money
Making financial resolutions for the new year
Will help us reach our goals
And achieve our dreams
Little bit by little bit
Because the little things
Make the big things possible
It is time to start living again
#livingforTilda
And putting our #familyfirst
This post was written in collaboration with TSB