This weekend has been just what I needed

An easy Easter with my family

Saturday saw a very excited Esther, William and Bea

Keen, ready and waiting for their cousins to arrive

We began the day with breakfast

And tidying the house

Before Esther and I made a Baker Ross Easter scene

Set the Easter table

And decorated our Easter Tree

We had lovely bunny bunting

Jelly Bunnies

A Ferrero Roche Rabbit

And lots of colourful chocolate eggs

The scene was set

Ready for our visitors to arrive

I cannot tell you what it means to me

For my sister to have been with us this Easter

It is something I could not have done two years ago

Grief is a cruel and unusual thing

And my stupidity

My inability to see

To reason

My heartbreaking hurt at losing Tilda

Meant I almost lost my sister as well

My beautiful niece was born just two weeks after the first anniversary of Tilda’s death

At the time I could not handle it

Could not stand it

Bear it

Begin to process it

I was blinded by pain and grief

I could not understand how or why my sister would fall pregnant so soon after my baby had died

I could not cope with her pregnancy

I had to hide from the arrival of my niece

I was blind and selfish

I did what I had to do to get through

To survive

I know I hurt Julie

I did not mean to

But I know that I did

I was in an uncontrollable world of grief and hurt and pain

And I know my heart is healing

Because this year for the first time

I can see how crazed

How crazy I was

And I was

Mad with hurt and pain and grief

It hurts me now to know I am healing

It is so hard for me to admit that I am

I feel guilty

I feel so sad

Because I do not want to heal

But I know that I must

And I know that slowly

Very slowly

I am

It does not mean that I love Tilda any less

It does not mean that I miss her any less

I still find things hard

I still see the gap

I still love my daughter as though she were here

But my heart is healing

Meaning I can tell my sister and her beautiful family

How very sorry I am

And how thankful I am that they came

And shared this easy Easter Saturday

My heart is healing

Meaning I can find joy in moments like these

Not just pain and sadness

I love you wee sis

I miss you Baby Tilda

At Easter and always

So so so so much