It is known that this little family does not do things by halves

Once again we are have far too many balls in the air

And I find myself clinging on to my sanity for dear life

Actually I am coping better with life than I have in a long while

I am having to

David is on site with the builders from 8 in the morning

Til gone 5 at night

We are living in a strange house

With no outside space

And we, or rather I, am home schooling our children

We have a lot of high pressure stuff going on

I am getting up and out with the children every day

Finding new places to go

New things to see

Every day I pack a bag

A picnic

And try to predict all the many eventualities of our day

I am driving here there and everywhere

On motorways

Along country lanes

And on some roads that are so narrow

I am not certain they would even qualify as footpaths

On the whole I know that I am getting better

Logistically

But emotionally

Personally

All of this progress comes with a cost

Some days

Many days

I find my anxiety spiralling out of control

I get cross with the children more than I should

As I try to focus on the many different things I am trying to do

And when, like today

And many recent days

Things do not go to plan

I find it really difficult to stay calm

I panic

I get scared

I get anxious

And as a natural form of defence

I get angry

I am certain it is not very pleasant

To be part of

Or to observe

And I am trying so hard to get my emotions under control

I am getting better

But I am far from good enough

And far far from how I imagine a normally functioning mother should be

I am ashamed of how I am am when anxiety kicks in

But once it starts it seems impossible to stop

It is like an episode with no option to pause or to stop

It keeps on rolling until it reaches the end

Sometimes I see myself and hear what I am saying

I want to shut myself down

Make my self stop

But once it starts it has to play through

Until it is over

Until it is done

And I know exactly what needs to be done

I know what I should be saying

I just can’t make myself do what I so desperately want me to do

It can be the simplest of things that sets me off

The children fighting

Esther and William being too noisy when Bea is trying to sleep

Me doing something I know I should not do

Saying something I know I should not say

Something unplanned happening

Something planned not happening

It can be anything

And then it begins

I can taste the adrenalin

I know I am not being right

I want to stop it

But I can’t

My own mind will not listen to reason

My own eyes will not see sense

My biggest fear I am conquering

That is driving

The day that Tilda died

I had a good driving day

I had not had one again until very recently

In fact just the thought of maybe driving

Would have me in floods of tears

Now I am out and about every day

Driving new routes all the time

Making decisions on the move

I also used to be scared of being left alone with my children

Scared something might happen to them

While I was on my own

Now we are alone all day every day

And on the whole I am okay

As long as every thing goes to plan

Which of course it rarely does with little people

And I know that whenever we have a bad day

The fault lies with me

Not them

And I make sure that my children know this too

I am not afraid to say sorry to my children

I frequently do

I am doing the best I can

And I am hoping one day

Somehow

They will see

They might know

Even understand

How hard these years have been

And how I really have tried

I hope that the good times begin to outweigh the bad

And I will find a way to like myself again

And to make sure my family know

How much I utterly adore them

Because I truly, truly do