I am feeling ridiculously tired and emotional today

Bea went to the childminder for a full day today

I sobbed as I left her this morning

Just cried and cried

But I know that she had a lovely day at ‘baby school’

And it allowed me to have some time with Esther and William

We went to London

To the Science Museum

We had pizza for a very early lunch

Had a very quick wander round the trains and engine room

And a play in the pattern pod

Before watching an incredible film in the IMAX Theatre

We watched Hidden Universe

About stars and galaxies

And exploring beyond our own galaxy

With the VLT

Very Large Telescope

It was a wonderful film

Esther and William both really enjoyed it

We then had half an hour to play in the Basement Garden

Before going to the Flash Bang Wallop show

Which was just brilliant

Phoebe the presenter was really good

The children were all involved in the workshop

And we learned lots about fire and explosions

We learned that the three things you need to make fire are

Fuel, oxygen and heat

We learned that the four types of energy that come from an explosion are

Sound, heat, light and movement

The sessions were really good

But getting to and fro and all the bits in between

Seemed really hard work today

I think generally we are all very fatigued

And fighting various illnesses

And feeling unsettled as we are still not living in our own house

And have no idea when we will be able to again

I am feeling really quite poorly at the moment

The muscles in my limbs hurt and ache

I am finding stairs tricky

Moving from sitting to standing can be hard

And I have a mouth full of ulcers

I am also feeling the pressure of being mummy and teacher to my children

I am trying so hard to make a good life for them

For us

But increasingly just seem to be managing logistics and behaviour

We seem to be in yet another period of our family life

When we just have to hold on tight and push on through

Until things and times are better

At least until we can go home

Packing a picnic everyday is exhausting

Having three children who never stop speaking

Is shattering

Every morning I get them up and get them out

And have planned something, often multiple things for us all to do

Throughout the day

Trying to keep us out of this horrid rental house for as long as I possibly can

It is all starting to take its toll

I really want to make home education work

But my goodness it is hard

Because for my children I am everything

Mummy

Teacher

Above all else

But also everything in between

If they have bad manners it is my fault

If they are naughty it is my fault

If they do not learn it is my fault

The pressure is immense

And I am feeling lonely too

I don’t really have anyone to talk to

About stuff

David is not a talker

He does not really understand

He is wonderful in many ways

But does not like to talk

So when I am worried that William might have Aspergers

There is no one to talk to about it

When I am wondering if Esther has trouble

Listening to and following complex instructions

I am wondering alone

It is me that sees the children every day

I am their main carer, educator

It is up to me to ensure they are safe and well

That all their needs, special or not, are being met

There is just me

I wish I had someone to talk through the days with

Dissect dilemmas with

Someone to help lighten the load

David finds it too much

Finds me too much

I am a worrier and a talker

I like to talk about my worries

It is good to talk

The childminder we use

Is actually lovely and easy to talk to

I wonder if perhaps we might become friends?

We might try and run some activities and excursions together

I love my children very much

I want to do the right thing for them

The right things by them

I am trying so hard

And have no idea

No clue whatsoever

If what I am doing is right

I am feeling pressured

Under pressure

I wish I had more confidence in me

I wish I had more patience with them

I wish I had some inkling as to whether what I am doing now

Is right for them now

Will be right for them then

How on earth do I know?

How does anyone ever know?

How do we know?