I am ashamed of myself
The way I act
The way I speak to my children
I know I am doing wrong
But once I get started
I cannot stop myself
I am a monster
It is really hard to write this down
To admit it to myself
Let alone anyone else
But I really can be horrible
Today we are all tired
We have done too much
Stayed out too late
Had too much sun
I am trying so hard to make life good
And in trying so hard I am making it bad
I know I am a good mother at heart
But that good part of me is being eaten alive
By the hurting and the anger
And the loneliness
I adore my children
I do not want to harm them
I do not want to upset them
I want to be kind and gentle
Energetic and funny
All the things a mummy should be
Instead I just feel like I am drowning
Stuck on a merry go round that I cannot get off
And the music is slow and distorted
The lights are flashing out of control
And I just want to scream and cry
Bea screamed so much this morning
As feisty head strong two year olds do
I got so cross that I screamed right back
No words
Just a loud wrenching scream
I think my children hate me
They have never said that they do
But I would hate me if I were them
They are so loving to me
Always wanting huggles
I do not deserve them
Bea is very challenging at the moment
She has a temper
She knows what she wants
She is everything a strong minded two year old should be
I know how to handle tantrums and toddler behaviour
So why can I not stay calm?
Why am I so easily aggravated and irritated?
Why do I lose control?
William is also testing us at the moment
He does not mean to
He is not naughty
He is just William
He is so loud
So repetitive
Makes silly noises
Speaks in silly voices
He is very intense
ALL of the time
And together with Esther
They are just crazy
Just writing this
I am already feeling silly
I know how amazing my children are
I know that William has his issues
I know Bea is perfecting the terrible two tantrums
I know that Esther is watching us all
And taking it all in
Life is really hard at the moment
And I am not coping well
Today has been a very bad day
At the end of a spell of bad days
I sometimes wonder if I am properly losing my sanity
Properly losing my mind
I really do not want to do that
I want to go home
I want our house back
I want my husband back
I want things to feel familiar again
At the moment every thing feels detached and strange
I want our garden
I want our space
I am tired
I want someone to look after me for a while
And give me the strength I need
To be a good mummy to my children
The mummy I so desperately want to be
So that I can feel proud of myself
Instead of ashamed
Please try to be kind to yourself lovely Jennie. You have three energetic children to care for, while grieving for one too. And you’re not in your own home which is extra stress. Sending lots of love. Has your counselling referral come through yet? XXXX
Thank you x No still waiting x
At the end of each day as you tick them into bed, just ask them. Their favourite part of the day. Ask and be ready to be surprised by their answers. Your children don’t hate you Jenny. I don’t think you’re too keen on yourself, but those babies love you. X
You are not alone. I have screamed at my kids when things have got too much. I have shouted, stomped, ranted and cried. I’m human and nobody is perfect. I try my very best to learn from these experiences and be the best Mum I can be. And despite my being a bit dramatic at times my children do love me – as well as the above things we laugh, smile, go out together and are kind to each other. We all have our moments and you are going through so much. Just take it steady and have the occassional quiet day when it is needed. Xxx
I think you are too hard on yourself Jenny. I don’t think for one minute your children hate you, I think you find it hard to accept other people’s love and admiration for you. You’ve been through so so much (understatement!). I still 100% think your children are so very very lucky to have you as their mother, despite the terrible tragedy that has blighted your lives. You are a wonderful mother who brings so much magic and joy into their lives. We all have days, weeks, moments that we are not proud of as mothers, we get it wrong, lose our tempers and feel ashamed. It’s normal, we are only human. I find the things that help me are to practise mindfulness/yoga/mediation and live in the present rather than in my head. If you are living in your head when you are with your children and dwelling on negative thoughts then that is draining, exhausting, distracting and harmful to your mental health. I also try and move on from things, I used to think ‘the day is spoiled because I’ve shouted/lost my temper or whatever’. But each minute, each second is a chance to start again, a quick hug, some happy music playing, an apology or a ‘let’s dance/eat biscuits/go outside/snuggle up and put a film on’ can change things from good to bad in a moment. You’ve got this Jenny, and things will be so much easier once you are make in your own home xxx
You should take your GPs advice regarding medication. it would help you. X
Well said Gill. I agree. GP’s don’t prescribe medication for no reason. Jennie, I hope you listen to your GP who is just trying to help you.
I could have written this.I only have 2 children…5 and 8.I have not lost a child,nor am I dealing with a 2 year old toddler.It is the end of the summer.The children need to go back to school.I think it’s pretty normal to feel like this xx
We’ve all been there at times Jennie. I really questioned myself a few years back about my anger issues and trying to control it but the kids getting older and me putting less pressure on myself has made such a difference. At the heart of it you adore your kids and you are still grieving for your Tilda, be gentle to yourself lovely lady. Mich xx
Hello. I’m sorry you’re questioning your sanity, I’ve been there and it sucks. If you want someone try and help you figure it if the sanity is still there drop me an email.