So two weeks ago I booked flights to Spain

With the hope that for just a few days

I could be looked after by my parents

And focus on injecting some fun into my children’s life

They have been through so much

And as a family every time we take a step forward

We seem forced somehow to take two steps back

Filled with hope and excitement

We headed for the airport

Only to miss our flight

Through no real fault of our own

Back we went the next morning

And flew out to sunny Spain

We enjoyed six days of sunshine

Pool swimming

Sea splashing

Ice cream

And sunsets

Then I hurt my back

And suddenly I could not walk

Sit or stand

Without immense pain

I could not lift Bea

I could not feed her comfortably

I could not sleep very well

I was a wreck

My poor children were so frightened

They had no idea what had happened to their mummy

And their Daddy was not there

I tried really hard to carry on

But the yelps from me

As my back muscles spasmed

Was upsetting for my three young children

Seeing mummy in tears of agony

Was unsettling for mummy

When I made it to a Spanish osteopath

On Day 4

She told me that I had a lumbar spine sprain

My fifth lumbar ???

Was rotated

My neck was twisted

And my hips rotated too

This explained why my feet were facing the wrong way as I walked!

The osteopath said that the sprain I have is quite common

But the fact that my entire back is in spasm

Is not common

And that is what is causing the intense level of pain

And the unpredictable nature of the severe pain

She was so lovely to me

I just sobbed

Even when she laughed kindly at me

As I told her that I was due to fly home on my own

With three small children

In two days time

I realised then that this was not going to be possible

I think I had always known

Since the first day of the sprain

I carried on holidaying the best I could

With a lot of help from my mum

I could not make the children drinks

I could not swim

I could not pick things up that they dropped on the floor

I felt useless

And a burden

I still do

The children still swam

I watched from the side

I had to not let Bea in the pool

As she cannot swim

Neither can my mum

And I was in no fit state

It was horrible

Our chance for fun and relaxation

Was gone

We still managed to keep up with learning

We did lots of painting and art

We were not able to go to the beach

I felt like I had let every one down

Again

Being a parent

And being poorly or in pain

Is really, really hard

David flew over to Spain

To bring us home

And I am so grateful that he did

Walking through Gatwick

Was agony

And I am so grateful to the lady

Who found me in the passport control queue

And fast tracked us through

Thank you!

Now we are home

David is working at our house

He has taken William with him

To ease the load

So it is just me and the girls at home

They are trying so hard to understand

Why we cannot do all the things that we would usually do

As well as hurting

I am also exhausted

Because of the injury

And because of the travelling yesterday

My back seems to be worse than ever

And the spasms more frequent

I am trying to put on my happy face

And make the best of it for the children

But physically, mentally and emotionally it is so hard

And again

I am left thinking

Why me?

Why do these things always happen to me?

A kind reader of my Facebook page commented

Surely soon, your luck must change

And I hope so

I really do

Because I am really not sure how much more I can take

We are still six weeks away

At least

To being able to return home

And every day that I need help from David

Is a day that he cannot work on the house

I have to get better and fast

But the osteo told me there is no quick fix

And I have to take the time to heal

Which we both acknowledged

Is just impossible with small children

I feel like an injured bear

I am now on the hunt for an osteo and a physio in Kent

To help me recover from this incident

And to strengthen my core

To reduce the chances of this kind of injury happening again

My children deserve more of me than this

We are trying so hard to move forward

And again we have been forced to step back