Dear Baby That Might Have Been
As always I was aware of the day I should have bled
Friday 24th June
No blood came
Cramps I think
Discharge perhaps
I was symptom spotting
Knicker checking
But why?
We are not really trying
We are not, not trying
But we are not really trying
And yet here I am
No blood
A flicker of excitement
A heartbeat of hope
Saturday 25th June
I tell myself I will wait a few days
Before I test
As I buy the tests
And head to the nearest loo
At first I think the test is negative
But with a closer look
I am certain I see
The faintest vertical line
I am sure it cannot be
I keep looking and looking
Before throwing the stick away
I am late
There are many reasons I may be late
But I can only focus on one
A baby
Am I growing a baby?
I think the likelihood
If I am pregnant
Is that perhaps like the line
The pregnancy is not very strong
I fear it may be ectopic
I am a geriatric mother after all
Or perhaps I did conceive
But am about to miscarry
Already am miscarrying
I know that has happened before
And yet
Though I am certain the test is negative
Am not really trying for a baby
Have fears about the chance of a pregnancy’s success
In spite of all this
I work out your due date
The age difference between your siblings and you
I begin to wonder
And question
And hope and dream
Because that is what mummies do
I begin to Google
Faint positives on pregnancy tests
I decide that I will test again
In three days
If I am not bleeding
Sunday 26th June
We all wake up late
After a wonderful night at a family wedding
Really late
10.30am
I cannot remember the last time I slept so long
I wake up
Go downstairs for my morning wee
And take the stick with me
Still no blood
I will just see
The result is the same again
A strong horizontal line
And a pale perhaps vertical line
Today I show David he sees it too
But neither of us are certain that it means anything
It is not enough of a line to know
It is not really enough to wonder
I am back to thinking
This might have been a possibility
Showing us if we want to then maybe we can
A sign
Dear Baby That Might Have Been
I feel sad
Disappointed
Why do I always do
This
The slightest sniff of a baby
And I am planning
Running away with wild hopes and dreams
Though we are not really trying
It still hurts to say goodbye
Goodbye
Dear Baby That Might Have Been
