Our IVF Loss

I met David in May 2007

Right from the start

We knew we wanted to be together forever

We knew that we wanted to have children

We were so happy

And so in love

Our future was open wide

We planned

We plotted

We hoped

We dreamed

We decided right at the beginning

To not try to not try to have babies

And when after almost 18 months

Nothing had happened

We began to be concerned

In November 2008

I had a laparoscopy to explore possible reasons for painful periods

It was discovered that I had pelvic endometriosis

And some scarring on my left fallopian tube

They did a dye test and at high pressure they were able to push the dye through my tubes

This together with other factors meant that David and I were going to find falling pregnant very difficult

The doctor recommended six months of injections to control the endometriosis

Six monthly injections called GNRH analogue

It was our understanding that these would stop me from having periods

And so stop any chance of me conceiving naturally

David and I realised then just how much we wanted children

And that we did not really want to wait

There was no guarantee that the injections would make me better or make falling pregnant easier

And we knew that the other way endometriosis could be relieved is by falling pregnant

And giving birth

David and I decided that instead of waiting

We would start IVF straight away

Though soon discovered that the NHS waiting list was long

We decided with parental support

To go to a private fertility clinic

We felt certain that we would be having a baby

Or babies

Very soon

We started IVF

A young couple in love

Desperate to start a family

We were energetic and healthy

We were full of positivity and hope

We had no idea how crushing IVF would be

How it would take over our lives

How it would be almost two years

Before we had a viable pregnancy

We had no idea about the pain and losses to come

IVF is not an easy option

It is invasive, intrusive

It hurts

Even when it works

It hurts physically and emotionally

In ways that stay with you always

Your health and lifestyle

Your body and fertility

Are scrutinised

Everything is recorded

Adjusted

Supported

Suppressed

Stimulated

Your body is not your own

There is no dignity

No privacy

Scans

Examinations

Injections

Pessaries

More scans

More injections

And you keep telling yourself that it is okay

That it will all be worth it

When your baby is in your arms

So when at the end of a cycle

There is no baby

The lows are heavy

Crushing blows

But there is no time to be sad

At least that is what you tell yourself

It is time to get back on the cycle

Time to try again

More questions

More tests

More investigations

More diet adjustments

Time to try again

As dates are put in diaries

Dreams begin

Plans are made

Hope rises again

Our baseline scan will be Monday 30th March 2009. Baby twins would be due on Wednesday 9th December and a single baby would be due on 31st December 2009. Dear God, please let it work this time. Please let it work, Amen.

Nothing is straight forward with IVF

Our bodies can be cruel

Cycles can be cancelled

Postponed

And with delay

Comes pressure

And worry

And fear

You begin to hate yourself

I hated my body for letting me down

Letting us down

Again and again and again

With every postponement

A new set of diary dates

Including these

If IVF works this time our baby will be due on the 5th of February 2011 and twins would be due in early January. Please, please let it work this time!

I know when every one of our lost babies

May or might have been born

I planned their lives in black and white

I listed things I would buy them

Names we might call them

They were my babies

One and all

By the time we got to our fourth cycle of IVF/ICSI

I was a wreck

A physical and emotional wreck

This is the worst cycle for me so far – our 4th go really. I am just an emotional wreck. I cannot seem to hold it together at all. One minute I am fine then I am shouting and screaming with anger then really sad and collapsing in floods of tears. I am really irritable too – so all in all a nightmare to be around. I just don’t know what to do.
I can’t feel positive because we have been let down so badly before.

IVF is a cruel cruel game

Our fourth cycle failed

We had to take a break

For our own sanity

We had to walk away

We found a new clinic

The ARGC

For when we felt ready to try again

Our fifth cycle was tough

Through the worst winter in 30 years

Travelling to London at 5.30am every morning

Spending my days hanging around the clinic

Waiting

Always waiting.

Through this time I had blood taken every day

Sometimes up to 17 vials in one go!

I learned a lot about myself through this time

About David and our relationship with each other

And the determination and passion in women who are desperate for a child

I was desperate for a child!

IVF is one of the hardest things I have ever done

The daily, twice daily injections

The testing

The waiting

The repeated disappointments

The feeling of being inadequate and constantly letting people down

The beating yourself up for not being able to do what should come naturally to every woman

The loneliness of longing for a child you know you may never have

I thank God every day

That we did finally get our babies

Esther and William were two of the only four embryos we have had

That made it to 5 days old

Those four embryos came from a total of almost 100 eggs

And the best part of £20,000

They are totally worth it

More than worth it all

But the pain

The scars

Physical

Emotional

Mental

Will never go away

Four lost cycles

They were our babies too

They were our babies too

fb-tw-profile_babylossawareness_-750-x-750-300x300

http://www.edspire.co.uk/year_2011/10/19/misleading-ivf-news/

http://www.edspire.co.uk/year_2011/01/14/our-ivf-journey-part-2/

http://www.edspire.co.uk/year_2010/11/16/our-ivf-journey-part-1-diary-and-forum-entries/

One thought on “Our IVF Loss

  1. Pingback: A Person is a Person No Matter How Small: In honour of Archie and Finley | Edspire

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