When you lose a baby

The loss is enormous

As time goes by

You realise the enormity

Of all you have lost

When Baby Tilda died

Our Matilda Mae

I did not just lose my 9 month old baby

I lost my daughter

My 4 year old

11 year old

16 year old

21 year old daughter

We lost all that she would have been

All that she would have brought to our lives

Our family

In losing Tilda

We have all lost so much

An we will never truly know

The full extent of that loss

That is why it hurts so much

That is why time does not heal the pain

That is why things can never be the same

Why I will never be the same

Not ever again

And unless you have lost a child of your own

The loss is so very hard to understand

I hurt every day

For the things I am missing

Every happy moment

Is tinged with a haunting sadness

Framed as a question

Wondering what might have been

How she might have been

If she were here

Every pain and hurt

Every fear, every scare

Every loss

Is felt more deeply

Because everything reminds me

That our daughter is not here

Family occasions feel awkward

Her name hangs in the air

Yet no one speaks it

It is all I can do at family gatherings

Not to scream her name out loud

She is my daughter too

I want her included in all that we do

And I am so sorry

To anyone who is not comfortable with that

But Tilda is as much my child

As my living children

As much my child

As your living children are to you

Why should she not be part of our days?

Weddings, christenings, funerals

Impossible

The physical and emotional pain

School runs

Ballet shows

Outings and trips

One of us is always missing

Though often only I see the gap

Where she should be

No one talks about Tilda anymore

Except Esther, William and me

David occasionally

And David’s mum who will talk openly to me

And send an email every Saturday without fail

I miss my baby

It makes me happy when people remember her

And speak her name

I have lost my baby

I do no want to lose her memory

I do not want to lose her name

Christmas is coming

Very few people will remember Tilda this year

But those that do will make my heart sing

Because she is in my every thought and action

More than ever at special times of year

It means the world to know

That other friends and family

Remember her

And think of her too

When you lose a baby

You lose them over and over again

With every new day

And every new thing that you do

When you lose a baby

You lose the past

The present

And the future

Their future

And a part of yours

When you lose a baby

You lose hopes and dreams

Plans and ideas

You lose the hugest part of yourself

When you lose a baby

You lose faith

Belief

You lose any sense of certainty

You lose heart

When you lose a baby

You know that your life

Can never be the same again

There will always be someone missing

When you lose a baby

You lose so much

You become lost

You become alone

Because no one can know

How it feels to be you

Battling to survive

And make it through each day

Knowing the world could be different

Should be different

Our family should be different

Life would be different

All our lives would be different

If she were here

If our baby were with us

Here

When you lose a baby

The loss is enormous

As time goes by

You realise the enormity

Of all you have lost