I think I knew I was pregnant from the beginning

You do don’t you?

When you are trying

You come to know your normal so well

You become tuned in to all the signs and symptoms

And so when the time comes

You just know

You are or you are not

I think I knew I was pregnant from the beginning

I missed my period on the 3rd of September

It was the day that we did not fly to Spain

I was fairly certain in Spain

Not because of any sickness or specific pregnancy things

But because I hurt my back so badly

Though I did get treatment from an osteopath

I refused any stronger pain relief than paracetomol and ibuprofen

Because I knew it was possible

Likely

I was pregnant

By the time we came home from Spain

I was 6 weeks along

I focused on getting my back better

I had a rotated disc

And my whole back had gone into spasm

My feet were facing out instead of forwards

I was in a lot of pain

I struggled to get through the days with the children

I could not lift Bea

I could not lift anything

It was a very stressful

Worrying time

By 8 weeks my back was stronger

The spasming had stopped

I could walk freely and lift carefully

It was at this point

I think

That exhaustion, nausea and hormonal headaches set in

The only way to fight the feeling of sickness

Was to eat

I think for about two weeks

When these symptoms were at their worst

I literally

Ate constantly

Cereal bars and Frazzles saw me through

Til I turned to toast

And then most recently tins of Heinz soup

The headaches I find are worse when I am thirsty

So I am trying to keep on top of hydration

Perhaps one of the reasons I am craving so much soup!

The tiredness was terrible

A few times I fell asleep on the sofa

Mid afternoon

The children just continued to play around me

I was also finding myself easily out of breath

So began taking Spatone for iron

I will be very surprised when my booking bloods come back

If I am not quite severely anaemic

The first trimester has been very intense

And yet felt almost unreal

I refused to see a midwife

Until after a private scan

I wanted to see the baby

Before booking lots of appointments

I would need to cancel

At around 8 weeks I went alone for that initial scan

And thankfully

There was baby

Measuring ahead of my dates

Heartbeat good and strong

I went straight from obstetrician

To GP

To book to see the Community Midwife

I did not actually get to see the midwife

Until I was 12 weeks

But I have now been seen

Booked in

And appointments are starting to come through

As well as the physical symptoms of pregnancy

I have also been very emotional

Experiencing everything from deep sorrow to pure rage

I know it is my hormones

But I also know that I have to be careful

That my PTSD and anxiety do not flare up and become worse

I know I need to be responsible for my mental state of mind

Keep talking to people

And accept all advice and support that is offered

Tears and tiredness

Sickness and stress

Back pain and headaches

The feelings of my first trimester

Fifth time around

I wonder what the second trimester will bring?