Today I woke up with a feeling of misgiving

Thinking something was not quite right

After breakfast I went to the loo

Wiped

And there it was

Bright red blood

I looked into the toilet

And it was full of blood

Bright red blood

David was my first phone call

And the Maternity Triage

Who told me I had to go through my GP

At this early stage

I called my GP

And was given an appointment for one hour later

I drove myself to the surgery

Struggling to see through tears

I was losing my baby

I hid my maternity notes in an old carrier bag

As I left the car

I did not want any questions or well wishes

From fellow dwellers of the waiting room

I felt so relieved when I saw a doctor I trust

Come into the room and call me

I was so disappointed in what he had to say

During the appointment

I explained what had happened

He said that we could not be sure where the blood came from

He told me he thought this was the beginning of the end of my pregnancy

He told me that as I had a normal pulse I had obviously not lost too much blood

And as I was not in severe pain I was not an urgent case

A referral would be made for me to the Early Pregnancy Unit

But as I was not an urgent case it would probably be weeks

Rather than days before a scan appointment came through

And with that I was sent on my way

I was so upset

I was expecting to examined

Or to be seen by the EPU today

I walked back to my car in a daze

Knowing I could not wait

An indeterminate amount of time

Not knowing if my baby was dead or alive

My heart was breaking for what might be

My whole body was aching

My mind was torturing me

Over and over again

When I got back to the house

David said to call our Private Consultant

I was so grateful to him

As I had not wanted to ask if we could

His appointments though wonderful

Do not come cheap

But I knew that come what may

He would see us that day

Today

And he did

At three o’clock

David and I never get anywhere on time

But with the help of Granddad

We arrived at Mr Penman’s office

Just before three

He was somewhat surprised to see us

Having seen us just one week before

For our Nuchal Scan

I explained what had happened

What the doctor had said

He could not believe how unhelpful the GP surgery had been

He got straight on with the scan

And there on the screen

Was our, literally, bouncing baby girl

There she was

Wriggling around

Legs crossed at the ankle

Hands up by her face

Heart beating beautifully

Our sprinkle of stardust

Was shining bright

‘My eyes leaked bubbles’

As Baby Esther used to say

Mr Penman checked the baby

He then checked me

Once he was confident baby looked well

He spent a long time

Looking at the placenta

For some indication of a bleed

But he found nothing

He explained to us

That sometimes the womb and the placenta

Grow at slightly different rates

And that this can cause tension for the placenta

And it can bleed from the very edges

This may well have happened to me

And all the blood has come away

So no evidence could be found on the scan

Mr Penman was happy that the placenta looked as it should

With no indication that it might be coming away from the wall of the uterus

He could see no evidence of any bleeding

He talked to use about the cervix and the possibility of bleeding from there

He said that this is often caused by something like sexual intercourse

Or an infection

But can also be inflammation linked to hormonal changes

Mr Penman showed us our baby girl in 3D

It is amazing that this is possible

At almost 14 weeks

Look!

This is our daughter

At almost 14 weeks gestation

She is already a perfect little person

I cannot bear to lose her now

Mr Penman said that if I were having a miscarriage

At this point

At the start of the second trimester

I would know about it

It would be painful

He explained that second trimester miscarriages

Are often started with onset of labour

Rather than signalled by a bleed

He was so kind to us

So generous with his time

He checked the Nuchal measurements again

Told us that lots of terms still used in maternity services

Are now outdated

Terms such as ‘threatened miscarriage’ and ‘inevitable miscarriage’

We talked about medical professionals needing

To be careful with their language choices

When talking to mothers who might be miscarrying

I feel really strongly about this

I was heartbroken this morning

Leaving the doctors

Distraught

I am so grateful

To Mr Penman for seeing us today

And for showing us that baby is okay

On my notes he has written that the prognosis for this pregnancy remains good

And that I have experienced

An episode of unexplained bleeding in pregnancy

And so for now we are okay

For now our sprinkle of stardust is okay

For now we can all breathe again

Hope again

Dream again

Today could have been the day our baby died

But she is still with us

She is fighting on

We are all so desperate for her to stay

We love her already

She is one of us already

Our baby girl

Our gift from the stars