After another sleepless night

I have woken incredibly emotional this morning

But also determined

This is my last chance to enjoy pregnancy

My last baby

And I want to enjoy it so much

I want to love and cherish this baby

And not live in fear of losing her

Her

I am having a daughter

And all being well

In 17 weeks she will be here

I was not going to make any resolutions this year

We are almost midway through January anyway

But I have decided to make some promises to myself

My husband

And my children

And I would like to share them with you

To enjoy this last pregnancy and to document it, scars and all, on my blog
When I first fell with Sprinkle

I thought that this time I might not document my pregnancy

Here on the blog

But then I remembered how very sad I often feel

That I have no memories and very few photos from my pregnancy

With Esther and William

And how very grateful David and I are

For every memory I recorded with Matilda Mae

It is all we have of her now

I realised that I would regret not recording this pregnancy

It is hard for non bloggers to understand I think

That this is just what I do

This is my time and my space

My blog is my confidant and my therapy

And I know that my writing has helped others

And continues to do so

I am proud of that

And I want to continue sharing my story

And perhaps playing a small part in the lives of others

I am not a talented writer

Or a very good photographer

I am not filled to bursting with creativity

I have no technical skills at all

But I have my story

And I tell it with honesty

Straight from the heart

To cherish every moment with all my children
Do you know my children are amazing

And I forget sometimes

How very special they are

Esther and William could easily have died

At their premature birth

Or shortly after

But they did not

They are here

And they are thriving

And they are actually delightful to be around

I do not give them nearly enough credit

For all they are

All they have come through

Bea is a very challenging toddler

She is making her mark on the family

On the world

But she too is amazing

Asserting her position in our family

After miracle twins

And with a big sister in the sky

Being a rainbow is not easy

But Bea is busy stealing hearts

Wherever she goes

And we all adore her

I want to make the most of these amazing children of mine

I want to spend much more time together as a family

Having adventures

Making memories

Having fun

To capture magical moments and memories of our Baby Daze and share them on the blog
When I was pregnant with Bea

I was sure I would record all her baby days on the blog

And I did try really hard

But life happened

This is our last baby

And I want to record the haze of baby days

Our Baby Daze

As it is going to be a special time for all of us

I want to take lots of photos

But also record my thoughts and feelings

The children’s words

As Sprinkle is a May baby

She will share many milestones with Matilda Mae

Being 7 months at Christmas

Being 9 months in February

Which I know I am going to find so so hard

Celebrating a May 1st birthday

Will also be hard

I have already decided I would like to go to Coombe Mill

For two weeks next year

Over Tilda’s birthday

And Sprinkle’s

I do not want to be at home

Next year’s Mile in Memory will be a very special one for me

And I want to document all of that

The good and the bad

And I am sure the ugly

Because one day

Another mummy

Very sadly

May end up in shoes very similar to mine

To use my blog to promote safe sleep and linked baby products
Matilda Mae died of SIDS

We have been told over and over again

She died suddenly, unexpectedly, from natural causes and without fault

But we will always feel guilty

We will always have questions

And doubt

Because of that jumble of emotions

I want to work hard to promote safe sleep for babies

New born and older babies too

I want to work with charities

The Lullaby Trust

And companies producing and selling baby products

I want to use my blog

My voice

To share my experiences

And to promote products that enable safe sleep

I have been doubting my blog recently

Wondering if anyone really reads it anymore

Questioning it’s value

It’s validity

Questioning whether I am cut out for this online world anymore

But I have things no one else has

My experiences

My story

My voice

And I want to use them for good

To use my blog to share my experiences as a mummy of five
I want to use my blog as my diary

Sharing our home education adventures

Our theatre trips

Our messy play

The nitty gritty of family life

With lots of little people at home all the time

I am not a funny writer

But I think that our anecdotes could be useful for some

And by recording them

I am creating a virtual memory to help me remember them

To have confidence in me, my family and my blog
My self esteem has been on the floor

For more years than I can remember

I see how brilliant and wonderful others are

I find others inspiring

But I see nothing in me

And I doubt everything I do

And I honestly do not know how to change that

But I want to try

I want to try and believe in me

Have confidence in me

Share what I do more

Try to be more sociable

Try to engage more with others

Try to believe that others might like to engage with me

I want to know that what I do for my family is enough

I want to make them happy

Make us all happy

I want to have confidence that we are a good and strong family

And other families might want to know us

Spend time with us

I want to believe in my blog

Promote it more

Do more with it

Believe in it more than I currently do

To have a more positive outlook on life and live in the moment
As an umbrella to all of the above

A precursor to achieving my goals

I need to have a more positive outlook on life

And I need to live in the moment

I need to stop worrying about what others are doing

And do what I am doing with effort and enthusiasm

I need to believe in me

And what I do

I don’t know why I find that so hard

But I do

I spend too much time comparing myself to others

Worrying what other people think of me

I want to stop that

Focus all my time and energies

On me and mine

Living and gone

And I want to move forward with confidence and happiness

I really really want to

But I know I am going to need some help along the way

To make mine and my family’s dreams come true

And to reach my blogging goals

And to bring it all together

With this final countdown

To making our family complete

I have to believe now at 23 weeks pregnant

That our daughter is going to come

That our daughter is going to live

Maybe she will

Maybe she won’t

But it is time

It is time to believe