The second of February

It always starts and ends with tears

It is such a difficult day

Wanting to honour and remember our daughter

But knowing that it is in fact the anniversary

Of our last hours with her before she died

I think this is incredibly hard for David

Because he was not with us that day

He was working away at BETT

The second of February 2013

Was really quite an ordinary day

Until we went to bed

It was then that I found her

And our world fell apart

So though the second is a difficult day

Really it signals the start of us remembering a horrific month

Our earliest hours without our baby girl

Trying to navigate a world without her in it

Planning a funeral

Telling people she was gone

Trying to make things right for our then two year old twins

When a baby dies

Her actual death is just the beginning

Of the pain and horror to come

And so though the lead up to Tilda’s anniversary

Can be unbearable

The days immediately afterwards

Are the hardest

David and I give ourselves one day every year

2nd February

To be just the two of us

And to talk

Really talk

About Tilda

Our baby then

The daughter she would be now

But anniversary day is always so much more than that

It is a day when David and I can just be the two of us

Granny and Granddad look after our children

And we go to the sea

We walk holding hands

We talk

Really talk

We eat nice food

We remember and honour our baby girl

Yesterday we went to Hythe

And we walked along the seafront

And then back along the canal

A walk we will do again on Sunday

With our living children

And some of our extended family

We love Hythe

And it is somewhere we often visit on Tilda days

David and I walked and talked

We made plans

Exciting plans

For our house

Our garden

Tilda’s party in the Spring

Bea’s big girl bedroom

Esther and William’s birthday party in the summer

We talked about David’s business

School and home school

We talked about anything and everything

And it was good

It was a cloudy rainy day

Cold

But it was good

We then drove to one of our favourite restaurants for lunch

A place that is special to David and I

We used to eat and drink there

When we first met

10 years ago in May

We talked about what a special year this one is for us

The year I have turned 40

And how very special May will be

Tilda would have turned 5

David and I will have been together for 10 years

And our new baby will be born

(All being well)

And will complete our family

After lunch we drove to a cafe

For coffee

And it was here

I think we decided on Sprinkle’s name

I think her name is chosen

And agreed on such a very special day

Remembering a big sister that she will never know

Our star of the sea

Forever in the sky

Four years have passed since Matilda Mae died

The anniversary of the night of her passing does not get easier

Going to bed on that night is so hard to do

Bea seemed to sense that

And had a very unsettled half an hour

At the time I had found my baby girl forever sleeping

And so another year has passed

Now we survive February

We carry on carrying on

Until we reach what David calls the better part of the year

7th March we remember Tilda’s goodbye

And then we can start living again

Then Spring arrives

And we can enjoy happier times

This year we are at home for Tilda’s birthday

For the first time since she died

For the first time

And we are planning a party in her honour

A barn dance like the one we had planned

To celebrate the first birthday that she never had

And then

All being well

We will welcome our Sprinkle of Stardust into the world

Our second Rainbow Baby

Our family will be complete

And together we will live

We will be living for Tilda

We love you and miss you baby girl

In starlight

We will love you and miss you in starlight

Always