I hate this night

It is so very personal to me

David was of course an important part of it

But a lot of this one night was me

It is Baby Tilda’s birthday eve

The night it all began

The night I first felt contractions around 10pm

David was on the phone to his Dad

I did not say anything

I was not even sure at first

What exactly I was feeling

I went to bed and tried to sleep

I think that I did sleep a bit

But the contractions became stronger

More regular

And I knew that it was time

I remember being in our lounge

Eating toast and bouncing on my ball

I remember trying to walk round the hospital

I remember going crazy as labour intensified

I remember it all

She was our miracle baby

Naturally conceived

She was the first baby I had grown to term

She was the baby to heal me

From the trauma of my pregnancy with the twins

She was the baby we got to bring home

We did not have to leave her in NICU and SCBU

For 59 days and nights

She was our Matilda Mae

And I loved her from the moment she was conceived

And this night

This anniversary of her journey

From my womb to my arms

Is always tough

But this year especially so

We are not at Coombe Mill

Which I feel so guilty about

We are not where we set her ashes free

On her first birthday

Everyone is so excited about the new baby

Due to arrive at any time

That tomorrow seems to have been forgotten

This has been made worse I think

By the fact that we held a party for Tilda yesterday

It would have been her fifth birthday party

And it was an absolutely magical afternoon

But it is still so important to me

That she is remembered on her birthday

Tomorrow

Our little girl should be 5

Instead it is her fifth birthday in the sky

And we celebrate her birthday for her

We remember and honour our daughter

On her special day

This night

This year

Is especially hard

Because I am pregnant again

And while I am mourning one daughter

I am getting ready to meet another

For the very first time

And I am happy and excited

But I am also terrified

I am scared of not knowing how the story ends

And I feel guilty for bringing new life into the world

When I could not keep Matilda here

I miss my daughter every day

It has been nearly 5 years

4 years and 3 months

And I miss her every single day

I would give anything to have her here with us

For her to be getting excited with her siblings

To welcome a new baby sister into the world

This night

This one night

This anniversary of the night it all began

For me and my girl

Our Matilda Mae

This night

Is and always will be a tough one

Which this year is especially really truly hard