My anxiety is through the roof
And still building
I can feel electricity coursing through my body
I can taste the bitter pill of adrenalin
I want to shout and scream
Instead silent tears fall
As internally the voices rage
Filling my head with anger and pain
The flashbacks have restarted
Finding my baby dead
Why?
Because on Sunday
Edie will be christened
Something we never got to do for Matilda Mae
We were waiting for a time when all our family could be together
We will never make that mistake again
Any occasion like this is really hard for us
As we welcome our much loved rainbow baby
To our family and the church
Our heart breaks for the baby we lost
And the five year old girl who should be with us in the pews
In the order of service
There is a moment for Matilda
A moment I wanted to fill with words
About Edie
About Tilda
About our journey as a family
But I cannot find them
And it is driving me crazy
I know the sentiment of what I want to say
But I cannot find the words
Partly because I think
Many of the people there
Just do not want to hear them
It is so much easier to celebrate the living
Than honour and remember the dead
And so I am doing
What I always do
Turning to my blog
Where the words will spill
In a turbulent jumble of emotion
And I might write something worth saying
Some words worth hearing
So here goes
A Moment for Matilda
Today I stand with a 6 month old baby girl in my arms
Edie Mae
We welcome her with such love into the church
And into our family
We celebrate her
We wish her well for her future
And share all the blessings that we hope will come her way
It is an honour, a privilege
Such a very special day
Five years ago
I held a baby girl in my arms
Matilda Mae
A daughter so longed for
So loved
We of course had no idea of the heartbreak to come
When you have a baby
You plan for them to be with you for your whole life
You do not expect one of your children to die
You cannot prepare in anyway for that eventuality
It is not in the order of things
If you lose a spouse, you’re called a widow, or a widower
If you’re a child and you lose your parents, then you’re an orphan
But what’s the word to describe a parent who loses a child?
There is no word
The loss is incomprehensible
Even almost five years on I cannot explain the intense pain
Of losing our child
When you lose a baby
You lose so much more
You lose everything that child was
And all they should have grown to be
You lose any naive belief that the worst will never happen to you
When your baby dies
A huge part of you dies too
And nothing can ever be the same again
Every single silver lining you see
Has a cloud
Every single one
Every family feast
Has an empty chair at the table
Even if you are the only one to see it
It has been five years since Matilda died
And missing her still hurts every single day
Today is about our family
All of our children
And days like this must never pass
Without a moment for Matilda
Today is also a time
To make a promise to our living children
Esther and William
Edie and Bea
Today we promise not to be lost in what might have been
Today we promise not to forget to live
Today we promise to carry Tilda in our hearts and live
To misquote JM Barrie
To live would be an awfully big adventure
To help us make this promise
To support us in our pledge
We ask you to join us in singing
One More Step Along The World I Go
A hymn we sang at our wedding
And Esther and William’s christening
But have not felt able to sing since Tilda died
Help us, support us, join us
As we celebrate our little family
And begin to move forward with God and Tilda in our hearts
What do you think?
That’s beautiful Jennie. And of course people who are there will want to hear it. They want to remember Matilda as well, and support you all in carrying on the best you can.
Nat.x
I think that is absolutely perfect and beautiful. A lovely balance between celebrating Edie and reminding others of Matilda Mae. I hope you’re able to sing the song! Xx
That sounds perfect to me!! The people who are there will want to hear it. They will all remember her and miss her in their own way. Their silence is because they don’t want to upset you and they don’t realise that actually that probably upsets you more. But those words are definitely from your heart and that’s what makes them special xx
Beautiful ❤️
Friendly reply. The day is Edie’s special day. You only mention Edie in a few lines the rest is written about Matilda Mae. I think you need to balance it more and relate more to Edie as it is her day.
Utterly beautiful x
Perfect words. Hope you have a lovely day x
Jennie – it is beautiful. Very moving. And a perfect choice of song too. x
Aww! That is just beautiful! The song is just perfect too x
I think it is lovely, really lovely. X
I think it’s lovely and although people won’t always know how to talk about Matilda I do think they’ll want to hear this. It’ll help them understand how to talk about her to you all and that she’s still a big part of your daily lives.
Our new neighbours daughter died just over a year ago and at a recent event with all the neighbours everyone talked about her throughout the evening. It was so lovely and I think it’s because her parents talked about her, the things she loved, the things she wouldn’t have liked. It was good to see we could talk to them about her too.
Love it and I think you should say exactly that, if you have the strength. Don’t worry about other people’s feelings; this is about your family and your path through life. Hope the day goes well xx
Dear Jennie,
You are a wonderful writer and your words are so beautiful. However, being really honest, I think this is too much for this occasion. I really think a celebration of Edie should be all about Edie. I love the idea of a moment for Matilda, but I think that’s more than a moment. I think your beautiful words are powerful but maybe a bit somber for the occasion. I’d perhaps suggest keeping the moment for Matilda a bit more simple – simply a moment where you ask people to remember the sister who couldn’t be there. And perhaps you could print the above words onto the order of service so people can read them and understand why you have chosen the next hymn etc without the mood darkening too much. I hope that doesn’t sound unkind. (We have someone missing in my family whom we try to remember always but there have been times when I’ve felt it’s been too much – and other times when it’s been perfect. It’s very personal so you should definitely do what YOU want).
I think there is no hiding the fact that our daughter died, that our children have lost a sister
The other children are there singing, laughing at jokes, listening to the readings
I cannot see how anyone would begudge 2 mins of a 60 min service to remember something that we have to live with every single day, forever?
Jennie, it’s a very personal choice how you choose to include your star in the sky. However I have to agree with the comment it is a bit much for this occasion. Personally I have always thought a christening is about the baby whose special day it is. You should of course remember Matilda but maybe take a minutes silence to remember her, choose a special hymn, but I think it will turn the occasion in to one of rememberance rather than celebration. It may only be a few mins but it will have a huge impact on your guests.
It is of course up to you and David as you know what is best for your family and friends. Xx
it may only be a few mins but will have a huge impact on your guests – what about the impact our daughters death has had on our whole life, our whole family?
I said at the beginning of the comments it was Edie’s special day. I also agree with the other two comments of having a minutes silence or hymn for Matilda Mae. You did ask for honest comments . Hope you have a lovely day .
Dear Jennie,
I believe it would be wonderful to honor Matilda Mae with a moment of silence, but I do agree with Gill, Jemma, and Lucy. I am so sorry that Matilda cannot be with you in more than spirit and heart, but I am joyous that you’ve been blessed with Edie. With God’s blessings Edie will have a lifetime of firsts that should be hers alone.
I was my Mom’s Rainbow Baby but would hate to think that I was a replacement for my sister Natalie. I’m certain that with my every new occasion and milestone my parents thought of their little one lost, but I was never made to share my special time with the baby who died before I came along.
When my Mother knew she didn’t have much more time, she admitted to me the joy she felt that she would once again be able to hold the baby she’d lost. I’m sorry that she carried that in her heart for so many years but am forever grateful that they celebrated me and that I never once wondered that had she lived, would I have been born.
I wish you joy, love, and peace of heart.