From Just One More To Done In A Day

The last 24 hours have been a true emotional rollercoaster

An erratic journey from wanting another baby so badly

To feeling truly blessed with my lot

And excited about the future

large family

Knowing that I am ready

At almost 42 years of age

After 10 years of fertility treatment

Pregnancy and breastfeeding

After experiencing loss through five invasive rounds of IVF ICSI

Loss through prematurity

Two horrible miscarriages

And losing our beautiful daughter to SIDS at 9 months

After all I, we, have been through

I am ready to leave our baby days behind us

And focus on the adventure to come

I think I will always want another baby

I think I will always feel that longing

But it is not for a new baby

I know that deep inside

The longing is for the one that is missing

The daughter that we lost

This week so many people have told me that they are pregnant

And I have found it so hard

I find pregnancy announcements

Pregnancy and babies really hard

Ever since Tilda

Even now

I know that people find this impossible to understand

When I have babies of my own

But it is the truth

It is part of my grief

My PTSD

And my goodness it triggers my anxiety!!

2018-06-10 16.39.53

Today’s episode has been horrible

But it is over

For now

And this emotional whirlwind

Which saw me thinking my life was over

And I had nothing to look forward to

No real purpose anymore

Led to some real positives

David and I talked

Really talked

For the first time in a long time

About where we go from here

About what we do

Now our baby making days are done

How we make the most of our child raising days

How we do the best we can for our four living children

In honour of our star in the sky

How we find time for one another

And fall in love with each other all over again

We have been through so much in the 11 years we have known each other

So much more than most people know

And we love each other so much

Yet rarely have a moment to show it

Today I have made my peace (again!)

With the fact that we will not have any more babies

Instead we are going to count our blessings

And give our four living children

All the presence that they need

For Esther, William and Bea

I have been pregnant, breastfeeding or grieving for their whole lives

It is time to give them each more of me

Give them the presence they crave and deserve

And I am so excited about being able to do that

It is also time for me to make some time for me

To prioritise my mental health

My physical health

And my relationships with people I care about

2018-06-09 16.03.22

At almost 42 years old

This is it

My baby days are over

Our family though never able to be all together

Is complete

And as final pieces of puzzles go

They do not come much cuter than this one!

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One thought on “From Just One More To Done In A Day

  1. Jennie, you’re the same age as me. I was 42 in January.
    I have experienced the grief of miscarriages and threatened miscarriages, but my grief could never be compared to all you have been through.
    I understand how a mother’s love swells for their children and the idea of a larger family is so appealing, but when you come to terms with being content with your family, it’s a good feeling.
    After our fourth, I convinced myself that a fifth was the right thing, but it didn’t happen and we don’t know why, but 14 months later I just changed my mind. I felt our family was complete and that I didn’t want to go through another pregnancy full of anxiety and problems, or worse, to end my baby-making days with a miscarriage.
    I quickly became accustomed to my decision and although newborn babies are utterly captivating to me, I truly never felt a pang to have another of my own again.
    I hope you also find that you never go through such an emotional day again and enjoy your complete family, and yes, Edie is the perfect way to end this chapter. x

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