Struggling With Christmas This Year

Christmas is upon us

5 sleeps until Christmas Eve

My children are counting down the hours

William and Bea are especially hyper

Christmas is very slowly creeping into the house

But we are not yet decorated

We have a tree

But no lights or baubles

We have done lots of festive things

Had magical Christmas experiences

But I am really struggling to bring Christmas into our home

We have done lots of creative Christmas play

Watched festive telly

And completed Christmas crafts

I am just not feeling it this year

I think there are a whole host of reasons

Life has not felt easy recently

I feel very lonely and tired

I am struggling

PTSD and anxiety have both reared their heads I fear

And some days I feel like I am drowning in grief

My missing Tilda is very physical at the moment

My chest is heavy

I am getting a lot of headaches

And I feel like I would just like to shut down

And shut the world out

I miss my baby girl so much this year

Christmas is always hard

But this year feels especially so

Maybe it is because Tilda would have been 6 years old

She would have been so excited for Christmas

I always wonder when buying gifts what she would have liked this year

I always wonder when buying coordinating outfits

What I would have dressed Tilda in this year

I wonder what all of our lives would be like now

If our daughter had not died

I feel her absence so much this year

I would give anything to have her here

I also think I am struggling because Edie is the exact age Tilda would have been

On her second Christmas

Christmas 2013

Our very first without her

I am finding that very hard to process

Edie is so amazing

And it makes me realise all that we have missed out on

We did not just lose our baby when Tilda died

We lost the little girl that she would have become

And that loss is incredibly raw this year

I have put so much energy into making advent awesome

I think I have been trying to make sure I do not have time to sit and think

And now that I have it

I feel like my heart is breaking

And I cannot shake the sadness

I know I will

As I always do

Put on a fake face

And get through Christmas

Make it magical for our living children

But I am really struggling with Christmas this year

And as December races by

I am all too aware that February is coming

And a whole other year will have passed without our baby girl

2019 will be six years since Tilda died

The year she would have turned 7

So much has happened these past six years

And yet I cannot believe that so much time has passed since she died

It makes no sense to me

This Christmas

I also have this overwhelming feeling

That I am wasting my life

And all too soon it will be over

And I will have lost my life

In a fog of misery and bitterness

Anxiety and grief

And my living children will never have seen the best of me

That is playing on my mind this Christmas too

I am struggling with Christmas this year

Tears are falling instead of snow

Tears are falling

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3 thoughts on “Struggling With Christmas This Year

  1. Dear Jennie,

    I can’t read this and not reach out. I have no words of wisdom as I haven’t ever walked in your shoes and can empathise and sympathise to a point but the acute pain is something only you know.
    All I can say is that I believe you are a wonderful mother and your purpose in life is to bring up your beautiful family the best you can and I can see that you are doing that not only to the best of your ability but with with excellence.

    Your pain is raw. I still mourn miscarriages from 21 and 12 years ago. Your loss is different because Matilda was born, developing into a bubbly little girl and was special because of being your miracle. You had her physically with you and she was wrenched away so cruelly. She was a beautiful little girl and I think it’s wonderful how you make her still very much part of your family.

    Christmas is a tough time and I think we often all sit and reflect. Your reflections are so sad and heartbreaking and so all I can do is wish that you have the best Christmas you can. I know you’ll make it happy for the children regardless.

    I hope you have lots of support from the adults around you who understand. Be gentle on yourself. Allow yourself time to think of Matilda, maybe write her a letter to get everything in your head out of it. Whatever is right for you, be gentle. As an outsider who only reads your blog, I can see you are fulfilling your life purpose. You are not wasting it. You are an amazing mummy.
    Take care xxx

  2. Hello Jennie, I just wanted to express how brave I think you are. Losing a child is known as the pinnacle of human pain, yet you have the strength to carry on, I think that makes you amazing. Please be kind to yourself and put less pressure in yourself as a mother, you are obviously a wonderful one. Also, you are coping with the challenges of dyslexia and autism within your family and that in itself is very very chalkenging (my own children have these two conditions.)
    I admire you greatly x

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