Today I Felt It

Today I felt it.

I felt the snap.

I would like to say that I have controlled it but I don’t think I have.

I think maybe I can though.

I put the babies to bed at 10am and listened as I always do to their monitor as they battled against sleep.

I think Esther actually fell asleep quite quickly. William took the best part of an hour.

I sat and listened.

I was doing other things but I was also listening.

I could feel the bubbling beneath as my nerves began to fray.

Then I felt the snap and I had to stop listening.

I checked for mail.

I considered going out in the garden.

I settled for shutting myself in the bathroom, washing machine on, and vigorously cleaning my teeth.

I know I need to tell David that I need a break soon.

But he is too busy for that.

He is working this weekend.

But I will be alright.

I’ll keep us busy.

I can feel it now though.

It is like a nervous energy has taken over my body.

Has anyone else ever felt like this?

Five minutes of peace over

The boy he sleeps

But now the girl is awake

No rest time for Mummy today x

Firework Flashback

What a difference a year makes!

We have just had a lovely evening with family, fireworks, a bonfire and hot dogs.

There is something wonderful about bonfire night.

I have fond memories of this night as a child. My parents hosted our family bonfire nights serving hot dogs and steaming mugs of soup as I did tonight. We would all stand around a bonfire and have sparklers too.

Tonight we had a very smoky bonfire and some fireworks too. William loved the fireworks but Esther was not so sure.

Last night we did not have fireworks of the conventional kind but I did suffer an emotional outburst of my own.

What a difference a year makes!

I had a bit of a meltdown yesterday.
I am just so tired and the babies were screaming all day and I just lost it and screamed back.
I had been home alone with them for 8 hours and had had a couple of bad nights and was just exhausted.
I felt so terrible that I burst into tears and sobbed til David came home and found me.
I scared myself.
It just doesn’t seem to be getting any easier.
I always thought that I would be a good Mum and would find this something I enjoyed but at the moment it just feels like hard work and I feel sad a lot of the time and then I feel guilty for feeling sad.
I am frustrated that the babies have no clue who I am.
I am scared that I am not going to be a very good Mum.
I want to be better, I want things to get better.
Sorry for the rant. I just wanted to get in touch with someone and let off some steam and hope for a friendly reply.
I sound so ungrateful don’t I?
I’m not, I love the babies so much and I am so thankful for them but they really are such hard work and at the moment for very little in return.
Rubbish day x