I lasted half an hour of my final hour before I wanted to be home.
You see in spite of all the sadness and anger and whatever it is that is pumping through me these days, I love my children and I love being with them and with David more than anything in the world.
But it does take a few hours away to make you remember, I think, sometimes.
You get so caught up in the daily grind and repetitive routines that you forget what it is all about.
Esther and William are longed for babies. David and I worked hard to get them and I want to enjoy them.
I thought I knew what being a mother was all about but how can you until you have a child of your own?
Being a mother changes the way that you view the world. It makes you question everything. It makes you reflect on everything you have ever done and worry more about what you may do in the future. What your children and their children may do.
It brings responsibility beyond measure and love beyond dreams.
Every emotion is felt more vividly, every high higher and each low lower. Life means more than it ever did before.
Hormones are raging and feelings are flying and the world as you once knew it does not exist anymore.
I think that anyone is going to find that situation take a little getting used to
I have looked at other mothers today, other children in town and I am not doing such a bad job you know.
I may consider things too much, I may worry too much, I may always look at the worst case scenario but I love my children more than I had ever dared hope I could love anyone. I love their father that way too.
How wonderful is that? How lucky am I?
I am going to be looking at things differently from now on. I know it is still going to be hard, I know that there is work to be done but I don’t mind hard work, I thrive on pressure or I did.
I can still be the old me and bring my old strengths into motherhood. Motherhood and being a wife.
I am still me in these roles just as before I have been teacher, colleague, boss, daughter, and sister they are just two more hats to wear or roles to play.
The most demanding roles I have ever been asked to play but I like a challenge.
Bring it on!
Things are going to be different from today.