Re-posted for Baby Loss Awareness Week 2013

Is it possible to get a single poem published?
I have edited this to read in the church next Thursday.
Though I think I may have to record it.

Born to be an Angel?

You had the most infectious smile
A hearty giggle too
You were so happy and content
Nothing seemed to phase you

You were bished and bashed by both the twins
They found you such a trouble
But I know that if they had the chance
They’d march you back here at the double

You loved to play with jingle bells
You clapped your tiny hands
You loved your mummy’s singing
You were my number one fan

Your eyes lit up for wheels on the bus
You chattered along to stories
You nodded your head when something was said
You never found anything boring

You sat up from an early age
Your posture was just outstanding
You were learning to crawl the day you died
But often fell with a crash in your landing

You did not like to be alone
You cried if I left a room
I would never ever have put you down
If I’d known you’d be gone so soon

You were not very good at rolling
You often got stranded on your back
But you used to try things over again
Determination you did not lack

You wanted always what you couldn’t have
Especially when it came to toys
You loved watching Esther and William play
You enjoyed their fun and their noise

You loved it when your Daddy was there
You liked sitting with him as he worked
You used to stare at our computer screens
As though you could read every word

Your favourite thing was a waste paper bin
You loved rummaging with what was inside
You loved nothing more than an old magazine
You destroyed them with gusto and pride

You loved to sleep wrapped in my arms
It was wonderful having you there
I am struggling to sleep at night right now
The emptiness of not having you there

I hate waking without your nuzzling
Without your chubby fingers poking my face
Without you pulling or chewing my hair
Nothing will ever take your place

You flirted and wooed every stranger you met
With your intense sparkling chocolatey eyes
Everyone commented on beautiful you
Perhaps they realised

You were too special for this earth
It is becoming clear to me
You have touched so many lives
I am certain this has to be

I think my darling Matilda Mae
You were never meant to stay
You came to teach us, help us, better us
But you were always going to be taken away

In the moments I am strong enough
I think in my heart I know
You were born to be an angel
God has made this so

He chose us to look after you
To help you earn your wings
Now he has reached down and taken you back
On to better more beautiful things

Your memory will live on in each of us
In every person you touched
This is what I have to believe
When the sadness gets too much

You are our precious daughter
We loved you all we could
And now you are with the angels
For earth you were just too good

Be happy my beautiful darling
Look down on us from the sky
Please know my heart is breaking
I will love you til I die

Then we will once again be together
We will giggle and cuddle and play
For I am always your mummy
And I will get you back one day

Until then I will live my life
In such a way to make you proud
I will care for siblings old and new
And talk to you in the clouds

I will look after your Daddy
Help him to be strong
We are a family including you
Nothing will ever break our bond

Thank you for being wonderful you
Thank you for all your love
Thank you for magical memories
Keep watching us from above

I promise to say your name every day
I promise to include you in our lives in every way
I promise to love you with all that I am
And I promise to find you as soon as I can

I love you Matilda Mae
Please please be at peace x

Here is a first attempt at recording me reading the poem.
Would love to know what you think?

Today we travelled from Kent to Bournemouth for our break away.

A lovely parent blogger is letting us stay in their family holiday flat.

We still had a lot of packing to do this morning and so had a usual breakfast and play before we were ready to set off.

The car journey was long and even with music playing and story CDs to listen to I could not stop my mind wandering with such a long time with nothing to do.

David was doing the driving.

I was reliving the night Matilda died.

I am not really sure why.

A series of flashbacks.

Not in any order.

But of moments I remember from the night.

The flashbacks come to me whenever I am too still or too quiet.

It is why I have to keep busy.

Silence is no longer golden for me.

I hate it.

At Matilda’s funeral I have asked the vicar for there to be no silence.

There will be times for reflection and personal prayer.

But they will be filled with photos and music.

To keep the haunting flashbacks at bay.

We were busy once we arrived at our destination today and everything was okay for a while.

The children belonging to this house are obviously Thomas fans too though Esther and William thought that the engines they found had been placed here just for them!

It was wonderful to see them settle down in the lounge and play with the engines. Their engines!

I think when we look back at this time we will always be thankful for Thomas.

Esther and William had a wonderful bath time.

Yesterday they had their first proper bath together since Tilda died.

Today they built on that in the big bath here where they can practically swim around together.

After the bath we did a Thomas puzzle together and had some stories before bed.

Esther and William were very excited at first to be sleeping in their special holiday beds.

But they were not really very tired after a long day in the car.

So they took longer than usual to settle.

David and I struggle now when they are not happy in bed.

David in particular finds it hard especially if Esther cries out for him as she so often does.

It was at this point too that we realised we had forgotten to bring a monitor!

Panic set in.

We would not be able to hear them.

We would not know if something was wrong.

We talked about going out to buy a monitor.

Thought we could wait til the morning.

But what if something was to happen over night?

There is no longer room in our life for ifs, buts and maybes.

We have to be sure we have done all we can.

Follow our instinct.

Act on our fear.

And we did feel frightened.

I am terrified now as I write this alone.

David is out hunting for a monitor.

I am responsible for two little lives.

That responsibility has a whole new sense of meaning to me now.

Soon he will be back.

My strength, my security, my husband, their Dad.

And only then will I even think to relax.

I have always hated being without David.

We are a very close couple.

An extremely tight team.

We need each other more than ever now.

For the world to have any hope of making any sense at all.

We need us to be together.

I hate him not being here.

I feel physically sick.

And my heart is painful.

Like it is pressing hard against my chest.

I am not breathing as I should.

It is like I am holding my breath.

And waiting.

Waiting for David.

The clock is ticking.

Time keeps ticking on.

Tick follows tock follows tick follows tock (Thank you Leftfield!)

He is back.

I can feel my whole body releasing.

He has bought a monitor.

The responsibility is no longer mine alone.

Let our break away begin.

As we listen to our terrible twosome sleeping.

Never has the gentle sound of snoring tugged quite so hard on our hearts.

Every night time sound is a reassurance.

A reminder they are okay.

They will be okay.

Matilda had the most beautiful sleeping sounds.

Snuffles and snores and simpering sighs.

I miss them every night.

As I miss holding her in my arms.

And her nuzzling at my breast.

Helping herself to milk through the night.

I miss my baby girl.

I feel robbed of our nights.

Our days.

Of the toddler and child you would have become.

I miss you Matilda Mae.

You should be here with us little Baby Tilda.

We love you Tilda Mae x