I can’t believe you are gone x RIP Beautiful Girl x

My darling Matilda Mae

9 months ago you were born to us our beautiful miracle baby.

I was not supposed to fall pregnant naturally but I did.

People did not expect me to carry you to term but I did.

I gave birth to you and I fell in love with you the moment that first we met.

I wore you close to my heart most days of your life. You were never a fan of a buggy.

I slept wrapped around you almost every night. You never were a fan of a cot.

The bigger and cheekier and cleverer you grew

The more we fell in love

I had such plans for you Matilda Mae

In my diary I had written down what day you would start pre school, your first day at school.

I was planning our adventures til then.

I planned out your bedroom for when you were moved. Pink horses and teepees, white bed.

You never made it into your own bedroom.

You never slept more than a metre from me for more than just a few hours.

Your cot remained in our room, right by the side of our bed.

Though mostly it lay empty as you attached to my breast through each night.

You woke me each morning with you nuzzling.

Gazing at me with your deep chocolate eyes.

My dearest darling Matilda Mae.

On the 2nd February 2013 you were exactly 9 months old.

You had been out in the world just as long as you were growing inside me.

You learned to crawl that very day.

You had been trying so hard all week but that day you gained power and speed.

The world was yours for the taking.

But instead I fear that you crawled to your death.

You crawled to the angels to take your place there.

Far far far too soon.

The last time I saw you with spirit and soul

I lay you down to sleep

I fed you as I always do then lay you in your cot

You were so beautiful, so peaceful, asleep

Later you cried and your Daddy came to soothe you, to wind you

Later still I came to feed you, just as I always do

I could not hear you breathing as I entered the darkened room

I placed my hand where your chest should be

To feel the movement of your breath

You were not there Matilda Mae

I could not find you where you were supposed to be

I turned on the light so quickly

And a horror met my eyes

You had turned and crawled under your blankets

I pulled you out but I knew

Before I saw you I knew

My beautiful darling daughter lay dead in my arms

She had gone from us while falling asleep

My precious daughter Matilda Mae

I screamed your Daddy’s name at the top of my voice

I shrieked I wailed I cried

Daddy tried so hard to save you

He did all he could til the ambulance came

They tried everything possible they could

But you were gone from us

Our beautiful baby was gone

A mother does not lose a baby

You were physically wrenched from my heart

I cannot imagine my life without you

I don’t know where to start

I love you with all that I am

I can’t bear that I could have saved you

I listened for you, you made no sound I heard

I should have checked you

I should have come to bed earlier

I should have known

I am your mummy

I should have saved you

I cannot believe that you are no longer here

I miss you with all that I am

You are my baby

No words can describe the searing pain in my heart

The mixture of love and loss and confusion and grief and desperation for what I am supposed to do without you

What are we supposed to do without you?

Dear Matilda Mae

You are with the stars now

You will be shining down on us as we remember you and live our lives in your honour

I am going to make you so proud and I am going to make your life matter

Just as soon as I can stop myself thinking that this is all just a bad dream and some time soon you will wake up and cry and I will lift you from your cot and you will wrap your arms round my neck and cuddle me as you have always done.

You are part of me.

You are dead and a part of me has died too.

I am not sure how to find the dawn after the night we found you sleeping.

Matilda Mae, the day she died

We really love our wellies
They keep our tootsies warm
Our wonderful Barratts wellies
Keep tiny toes safe from harm

We could not wait to try them on
The day that they arrived
We pulled them on to our tiny feet
And wore them all day inside!

Barratts sell wellies for everyone
We love the kiddie kind
Why not visit their website
To check out their fun designs

We wear our wellies all the time
We wear them whatever the weather
They ensure we can do whatever we want
They help us adventure together

They are welly good for walking
Welly good for scooting too
Welly good for stopping us slipping
Safer and sturdier than a shoe

Our wellies have great grips on
They keep us safe on ice
Our feet stay warm and cosy
The bottoms of our legs look nice

Wellies are for walking
In muddy puddles after rain
Wellies mean that you can splash
Again and again and again

Wellies are for wading
Through waves and waters still
We love wading in our wellies
And whenever we get chance we will

Wellies are for wanging
For kicking up into the air
Search the ground around our swings
And find our wanged wellies there

Wellies are fun for little feet
They help us play outside
Through rain and ice and snow storms too
Our toes stay toasty inside

William’s wellies show Thomas
Esther has pretty pink hearts
Barratts wellies are good quality
They are comfy and don’t fall apart

They are really great value for money
Especially the character ones
They protect kids feet, make footwear fun
And provide peace of mind for mums

The wonderful thing about wellies
Is that they do just what they should
Protect our feet through any weather
Our Barratts wellies are ‘welly’ good!

We were sent two pairs of wellies for the purpose of this review.

This week David is away every day working an exhibition in London. Though he is coming home at night the running of the house is down to me as he will be out early and home late. To make this work I have my mother staying but as she only sees the children three or four times a year she does not know our routine or where anything is in our house so though she is an extra pair of hands, for which I am absolutely grateful, I do have to be super super organised.

I have already sorted out clothes for all of us up until Wednesday. I have tidied the playroom and planned our play activities for the week.

And now, the final piece of my organisational puzzle, is planning all of our meals.

Monday
Lunch: Smoked Salmon, ham, Philadelphia and Ryvita breads (Esther and William call this a party lunch)
Dinner: Quiches and Salad

Tuesday
Lunch: Spready cheeses, ham and crackers
Dinner: Spinach and Ricotta Cannelloni with cheesy garlic bread

Wednesday
Lunch: Tomato soup, crumpets and pork pies
Dinner: Garlic and Herb Prawn Spaghetti

Thursday
Lunch: Apples, cheeses, rice cakes and crackers
Dinner: Beef Steaks in Peppercorn Sauce with brown rice and vegetables

Friday
Lunch: Cheese and crackers
Dinner: Fish Goujons, cous cous and corn

Saturday
Lunch: Out or Cheese on Toast or Eggy Bread (Yummy!)
Dinner: Chilli Beef Fajitas

Sunday
Lunch: Sausages and Mash with root vegetables and red cabbage and apple
Dinner: Bacon and Egg sandwiches with a large mug of tea

Some lovely comfort food as I will end the week with hubby home and my mummy with us too.

I am really rather pleased with this meal and it has made me rather hungry.

Off to put the kettle on!