I met David in May 2007
Right from the start
We knew we wanted to be together forever
We knew that we wanted to have children
We were so happy
And so in love
Our future was open wide
We planned
We plotted
We hoped
We dreamed
We decided right at the beginning
To not try to not try to have babies
And when after almost 18 months
Nothing had happened
We began to be concerned
In November 2008
I had a laparoscopy to explore possible reasons for painful periods
It was discovered that I had pelvic endometriosis
And some scarring on my left fallopian tube
They did a dye test and at high pressure they were able to push the dye through my tubes
This together with other factors meant that David and I were going to find falling pregnant very difficult
The doctor recommended six months of injections to control the endometriosis
Six monthly injections called GNRH analogue
It was our understanding that these would stop me from having periods
And so stop any chance of me conceiving naturally
David and I realised then just how much we wanted children
And that we did not really want to wait
There was no guarantee that the injections would make me better or make falling pregnant easier
And we knew that the other way endometriosis could be relieved is by falling pregnant
And giving birth
David and I decided that instead of waiting
We would start IVF straight away
Though soon discovered that the NHS waiting list was long
We decided with parental support
To go to a private fertility clinic
We felt certain that we would be having a baby
Or babies
Very soon
We started IVF
A young couple in love
Desperate to start a family
We were energetic and healthy
We were full of positivity and hope
We had no idea how crushing IVF would be
How it would take over our lives
How it would be almost two years
Before we had a viable pregnancy
We had no idea about the pain and losses to come
IVF is not an easy option
It is invasive, intrusive
It hurts
Even when it works
It hurts physically and emotionally
In ways that stay with you always
Your health and lifestyle
Your body and fertility
Are scrutinised
Everything is recorded
Adjusted
Supported
Suppressed
Stimulated
Your body is not your own
There is no dignity
No privacy
Scans
Examinations
Injections
Pessaries
More scans
More injections
And you keep telling yourself that it is okay
That it will all be worth it
When your baby is in your arms
So when at the end of a cycle
There is no baby
The lows are heavy
Crushing blows
But there is no time to be sad
At least that is what you tell yourself
It is time to get back on the cycle
Time to try again
More questions
More tests
More investigations
More diet adjustments
Time to try again
As dates are put in diaries
Dreams begin
Plans are made
Hope rises again
Our baseline scan will be Monday 30th March 2009. Baby twins would be due on Wednesday 9th December and a single baby would be due on 31st December 2009. Dear God, please let it work this time. Please let it work, Amen.
Nothing is straight forward with IVF
Our bodies can be cruel
Cycles can be cancelled
Postponed
And with delay
Comes pressure
And worry
And fear
You begin to hate yourself
I hated my body for letting me down
Letting us down
Again and again and again
With every postponement
A new set of diary dates
Including these
If IVF works this time our baby will be due on the 5th of February 2011 and twins would be due in early January. Please, please let it work this time!
I know when every one of our lost babies
May or might have been born
I planned their lives in black and white
I listed things I would buy them
Names we might call them
They were my babies
One and all
By the time we got to our fourth cycle of IVF/ICSI
I was a wreck
A physical and emotional wreck
This is the worst cycle for me so far – our 4th go really. I am just an emotional wreck. I cannot seem to hold it together at all. One minute I am fine then I am shouting and screaming with anger then really sad and collapsing in floods of tears. I am really irritable too – so all in all a nightmare to be around. I just don’t know what to do.
I can’t feel positive because we have been let down so badly before.
IVF is a cruel cruel game
Our fourth cycle failed
We had to take a break
For our own sanity
We had to walk away
We found a new clinic
The ARGC
For when we felt ready to try again
Our fifth cycle was tough
Through the worst winter in 30 years
Travelling to London at 5.30am every morning
Spending my days hanging around the clinic
Waiting
Always waiting.
Through this time I had blood taken every day
Sometimes up to 17 vials in one go!
I learned a lot about myself through this time
About David and our relationship with each other
And the determination and passion in women who are desperate for a child
I was desperate for a child!
IVF is one of the hardest things I have ever done
The daily, twice daily injections
The testing
The waiting
The repeated disappointments
The feeling of being inadequate and constantly letting people down
The beating yourself up for not being able to do what should come naturally to every woman
The loneliness of longing for a child you know you may never have
I thank God every day
That we did finally get our babies
Esther and William were two of the only four embryos we have had
That made it to 5 days old
Those four embryos came from a total of almost 100 eggs
And the best part of £20,000
They are totally worth it
More than worth it all
But the pain
The scars
Physical
Emotional
Mental
Will never go away
Four lost cycles
They were our babies too
They were our babies too
https://www.edspire.co.uk/year_2011/10/19/misleading-ivf-news/
https://www.edspire.co.uk/year_2011/01/14/our-ivf-journey-part-2/
https://www.edspire.co.uk/year_2010/11/16/our-ivf-journey-part-1-diary-and-forum-entries/
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