36 months ago I found out I was pregnant

My period had been due around Esther and William’s first birthday

But it did not come

I had some pregnancy tests in a drawer

I had lots left over from years of IVF

I peed on a stick thinking nothing of it

But there it was

The tell tale blue line

Pregnant

With our miracle baby

Our daughter Matilda Mae

27 months ago

Exactly on one of her three due dates

Matilda Mae was born

Contractions started at 10.30pm

We went to hospital at half past five

At 10.25am our beautiful daughter was in my arms

And I will always be proud that we were home in time for tea

To introduce Baby Tiger

To her older twin siblings

Month of Mae

18 months ago

2nd February 2013

Baby Tilda died

She went to sleep as she always did

Only this time she never woke up

SIDS

Sudden Infant Death Syndrome

When a perfectly healthy baby, for no apparent reason, just dies

18 months ago

My world fell apart

And I still have no idea how to even begin

Putting the pieces back together again

Life is going on

There are smiles and laughter and tears

But there is not a moment

Not one moment

That my chest does not feel heavy

And I do not feel guilty for being alive

Time is a healer in many things

But not when your baby dies

For everyday is a reminder of the beautiful baby you lost

And everything that she, that we, should be now

When a baby dies

So does all her potential

So does a large part of her mother

And it cannot be reborn

In the dappled sunlight

9 months ago

We walked in our wellies

In memory of Matilda Mae

On that day I had my period

From that day my pregnancy is dated

This pregnancy

Creating our Rainbow Baby

A baby sibling for Esther, William and Matilda Mae

Making me 40 weeks today

Another 9

Another 2nd

Another break in my heart

Another stone on my chest

When your baby is born]

You assume they are yours forever

To guard and protect

To nurture and help grow

You do not expect to lose them

Cremate them

Mourn them

Outlive them

You do not expect to have to say goodbye

Nothing can prepare you for that

Nothing can make life better

Once a baby is gone

It has been 18 months

18 long months

And yet no time at all

18 months

And I am still lost

Still longing

Still losing

Still hurting so badly

Still loving my baby

Our beautiful baby

Our daughter Matilda Mae