Funny the things you think of on the train.

I’ve been awake since 4am.

Watching the clock.

Checking the time every five minutes.

Note to Self

Set an alarm on the eve of an important morning appointment

At the station

Watching the morning rat race

Filing over the bridge

To join the London bound platform.

Mostly men I notice.

On their way to the world of work.

I realise that even with a distinct lack of sleep

It is nice to be up and out early

On a bright sunny summers morning

My hand rushes to my betrayal

The axe of betrayal strikes me

I am not wearing Tilda’s bracelet

I’ve forgotten Tilda’s star

On days like these I should be wearing it

Wearing her

Especially on days like these

I am going to London

For a mid cycle scan

An examination of my ovaries

An undignified assessment

Of my literal fitness to be a mother

An assessment

I am terrified I’ll fail

I have already failed the biggest test of parenthood

I have had a beautiful baby die.

But today is a day for positivity

I look to the future

With Tilda secure in my heart

I wish I had not forgotten her bracelet

I think I have found my new style today

It is a little Kirstie Allsop

I am wearing a flared knee length

Polka dot skirt

A cream vest

Livie and Luca pumps (of course!)

Old denim jacket

Cream and floral scarf

I think that this could be the new me

The late 30s (eek!) me I have been searching for

I am still reeling from Brit Mums

All the love for Tilda in the room

I cannot wait to see my blogging friends again

I need to focus more on life at home though

David is feeling poorly

Seems to have been going on for a week

He looks ashen, eyes sunken

Illness or grief?

A cruel combination of the two?

I am not sure we are handling our toddlers very well

There are lots of tantrums

Lots of fights

Even at preschool

The fisticuffs are becoming more frequent

Is it just the way it has to be?

With twins who are toddlers

Are two?

And if we can’t handle the children we’ve got

Are we wrong to long for more?

I cannot imagine never again holding a baby in my arms

I have not held a baby since Tilda died

The strike of that axe again

In one week Tilda will have been passed 5 months

I want to start trying again

I also want to be a better mummy

For Esther and William

A better wife than I’ve ever been

Photo by Schryver Photography

I want to sort our house out

Keep it tidy, keep it clean

I want to catch up

With all my blogging commitments

Case studies, comments, reviews

I do not have time to do them all

My family has to come first

PS) I passed the test! Fit for motherhood! Fit for an IVF cycle to begin!!

Yesterday we woke Esther and William very early in the morning and drove to Henley on Thames.

Esther and William were very confused.

‘The sky has gone!’

The sky had not gone of course, but we could not see it, we could not see much, because of the fog.

We travelled to the banks of the Thames through the fog all the while thinking about Uncle Simon and his friends swimming in the freezing cold water through the thickest fog.

Arriving at the riverside and seeing all the athletes preparing to swim was wonderful.

I don’t really know why it made me cry but it did.

There was a real sense of purpose, community

Something special lingered in the fog that morning

We arrived just in time to see the first swimmers leave the water

They were being pulled out of the water by the support team

As they reached dry land some suffered from terrible cramp that had to be massaged away

Others were immediately on the run, stripping off their wetsuits as they ran

Making the transition from the swim to the bike

Watching all these athletes coming out of the water

Was awe inspiring

It was also incredibly emotional

And I felt strangely proud of everyone I saw

Especially Baby Tilda’s Uncle Si

Esther and William had colourful bells to ring for the athletes

As we all applauded and cheered them on.

The Iron Distance Triathlon consists of a 2.4 mile swim, a 112 mile cycle and to round it off, a 26.2 mile run. All within 16 hours!!

Seeing the athletes running from the water to their bikes

Knowing what they had done and what was still to come

It was wonderful and you could not help get involved with cheering every single person on.

Once Uncle Si and his friends were safely and speedily away on their bikes

We drove in convoy with David’s parents and siblings and their families

To a great viewing point where we would be able to see Uncle Si six times as he rode up and down Howe Hill

We stood at the road side clapping and cheering and ringing our bells for all the cyclists that we saw

And our cheering and support seemed to be appreciated

The athletes waved and smiled and thanked us

I really enjoyed being there to see them and congratulate them on each stage of their difficult ride.

It was very strange each time we went to a pub or cafe for lunch or a break

To think that all those men and women were still focused and still cycling

On and on and on for hours and hours and hours

Before starting a marathon around Henley and along the banks of the Thames.

Supporting the run was great fun

Again we found a spot where we would be able to see people more than once

To give them as much support and encouragement as we could

As we went to the finish line to wait for Uncle Si and Pirate Princess Em

It was just so wonderful

Seeing the athletes crossing the finish line

Surrounded by friends and family

And sometimes holding hands with their children.

This was an immense challenge

I have so much respect for every single person that took part

And I am especially proud of Si and Em

We were at the event for 12 hours

Esther and William were incredibly well behaved

And I am certain that Tilda was watching too

There were incredible skies over Henley yesterday

After the fog, when ‘the sky came back!’

Si, Em and their friends all completed the Iron Man Triathlon in Henley yesterday with fabulous times. They all took part in this incredibly difficult challenge with determination and courage and smiles on their faces. I am so proud of all of you.

And thank you Simon, for doing it for Tilda. She would be so very proud of her roly poly uncle.

If you have a spare pound or two, please do sponsor Baby Tilda’s Uncle Si.

He was amazing yesterday.

http://www.justgiving.com/challengehenley/