My darling baby daughter

I hope you are happy today

I have been collating photos of your cheeky grins and breathtaking smiles

I want to share them as part of the celebration I am planning for you

I have probably spent too much time dwelling on you today

It may have to be less tomorrow

Esther and William are not doing so well

They need my attention too

Esther has refused to go in the bath since Monday

I think it may be because you are not there

She is struggling having lots of people around

Tonight she would not go to bed

I think as she processes all that has happened and all that she hears

She is frightened

They saw you at bed time and in the morning you were gone

It makes me frightened too

We let Esther and William stay up late

Aunty Clare came round to play

Then Esther fell asleep in Daddy’s arms

We put her in her cot where she is sleeping soundly now

William goes to bed just fine but his sleep is very disturbed

They are missing you and mourning you in their own very different ways

William is loving all the people coming to the house

He loves his aunts and uncles and thinks they are there just for him

He is such a funny boy

I hope that you do not mind when we laugh with him

They need our laughter too

William sat with me today and looked at photos of you

He likes to see your pretty face

He saved some cake for you when playing tea parties

He knows that you are in the sky

Way up high in the sky

He asked to see more pictures of Baby Tilda

We looked at so many and you were smiling in every one

Were you so happy all the time because you knew you would not be with us long?

Esther was playing with the baby monitor today

She put it to her ear

I asked her what she could hear

She said she could hear Baby Tilda

These were her exact words

I can hear Baby Tilda?
I can hear Baby Tilda up in the sky.
She’s in the sky.
We loved her.
We lost her.
She died.
She’s in the sky.
There’s an aeroplane up there.

She brought tears to the eyes of everyone in the room

We miss you Matilda Mae

After your funeral my darling

Which I am trying so hard to plan

We are going to have some bubbles

You and the twins love them so

We will all blow bubbles up to the sky for you

Esther and William will have coloured bubbles

You can watch out for them, I’ll tell you when

They will be kisses from your brother and sister

Coloured kisses full of love

We love you so much Matilda Mae

Smile down on us today x

I can’t believe you are gone x RIP Beautiful Girl x

My darling Matilda Mae

9 months ago you were born to us our beautiful miracle baby.

I was not supposed to fall pregnant naturally but I did.

People did not expect me to carry you to term but I did.

I gave birth to you and I fell in love with you the moment that first we met.

I wore you close to my heart most days of your life. You were never a fan of a buggy.

I slept wrapped around you almost every night. You never were a fan of a cot.

The bigger and cheekier and cleverer you grew

The more we fell in love

I had such plans for you Matilda Mae

In my diary I had written down what day you would start pre school, your first day at school.

I was planning our adventures til then.

I planned out your bedroom for when you were moved. Pink horses and teepees, white bed.

You never made it into your own bedroom.

You never slept more than a metre from me for more than just a few hours.

Your cot remained in our room, right by the side of our bed.

Though mostly it lay empty as you attached to my breast through each night.

You woke me each morning with you nuzzling.

Gazing at me with your deep chocolate eyes.

My dearest darling Matilda Mae.

On the 2nd February 2013 you were exactly 9 months old.

You had been out in the world just as long as you were growing inside me.

You learned to crawl that very day.

You had been trying so hard all week but that day you gained power and speed.

The world was yours for the taking.

But instead I fear that you crawled to your death.

You crawled to the angels to take your place there.

Far far far too soon.

The last time I saw you with spirit and soul

I lay you down to sleep

I fed you as I always do then lay you in your cot

You were so beautiful, so peaceful, asleep

Later you cried and your Daddy came to soothe you, to wind you

Later still I came to feed you, just as I always do

I could not hear you breathing as I entered the darkened room

I placed my hand where your chest should be

To feel the movement of your breath

You were not there Matilda Mae

I could not find you where you were supposed to be

I turned on the light so quickly

And a horror met my eyes

You had turned and crawled under your blankets

I pulled you out but I knew

Before I saw you I knew

My beautiful darling daughter lay dead in my arms

She had gone from us while falling asleep

My precious daughter Matilda Mae

I screamed your Daddy’s name at the top of my voice

I shrieked I wailed I cried

Daddy tried so hard to save you

He did all he could til the ambulance came

They tried everything possible they could

But you were gone from us

Our beautiful baby was gone

A mother does not lose a baby

You were physically wrenched from my heart

I cannot imagine my life without you

I don’t know where to start

I love you with all that I am

I can’t bear that I could have saved you

I listened for you, you made no sound I heard

I should have checked you

I should have come to bed earlier

I should have known

I am your mummy

I should have saved you

I cannot believe that you are no longer here

I miss you with all that I am

You are my baby

No words can describe the searing pain in my heart

The mixture of love and loss and confusion and grief and desperation for what I am supposed to do without you

What are we supposed to do without you?

Dear Matilda Mae

You are with the stars now

You will be shining down on us as we remember you and live our lives in your honour

I am going to make you so proud and I am going to make your life matter

Just as soon as I can stop myself thinking that this is all just a bad dream and some time soon you will wake up and cry and I will lift you from your cot and you will wrap your arms round my neck and cuddle me as you have always done.

You are part of me.

You are dead and a part of me has died too.

I am not sure how to find the dawn after the night we found you sleeping.

Matilda Mae, the day she died

We really love our wellies
They keep our tootsies warm
Our wonderful Barratts wellies
Keep tiny toes safe from harm

We could not wait to try them on
The day that they arrived
We pulled them on to our tiny feet
And wore them all day inside!

Barratts sell wellies for everyone
We love the kiddie kind
Why not visit their website
To check out their fun designs

We wear our wellies all the time
We wear them whatever the weather
They ensure we can do whatever we want
They help us adventure together

They are welly good for walking
Welly good for scooting too
Welly good for stopping us slipping
Safer and sturdier than a shoe

Our wellies have great grips on
They keep us safe on ice
Our feet stay warm and cosy
The bottoms of our legs look nice

Wellies are for walking
In muddy puddles after rain
Wellies mean that you can splash
Again and again and again

Wellies are for wading
Through waves and waters still
We love wading in our wellies
And whenever we get chance we will

Wellies are for wanging
For kicking up into the air
Search the ground around our swings
And find our wanged wellies there

Wellies are fun for little feet
They help us play outside
Through rain and ice and snow storms too
Our toes stay toasty inside

William’s wellies show Thomas
Esther has pretty pink hearts
Barratts wellies are good quality
They are comfy and don’t fall apart

They are really great value for money
Especially the character ones
They protect kids feet, make footwear fun
And provide peace of mind for mums

The wonderful thing about wellies
Is that they do just what they should
Protect our feet through any weather
Our Barratts wellies are ‘welly’ good!

We were sent two pairs of wellies for the purpose of this review.