24th July 2010 This Friday I am back flashing to 24th July 2010, 7 months ago, when Esther and William were born. You can read the story of their birth in the post Hello World and when we first saw them … Continue reading
I believe in me
I am strong, I will fight for what I believe in
I am love, I cannot love you more
I am warmth, I beam with love and pride
I am loyalty, I will always be by your side
I listen
I learn
I am for keeps
I believe that I will always be here
I believe in you
You are our protector, you hold us in your arms
You are our provider, of all things big and small
You are our comforter, you are always by our side
You are our entertainer, you make us laugh, smile, sing and dance
You are our centre, in everything we see, think and do
I want to keep you
I believe you will always be here
I believe in them
The future
The sunshine of our day
Our inspiration
The reason
Our heartbeats
Our love
Can we keep them?
So tiny, so precious?
I believe they will always be here
I believe in us
Our unit
Our team
Our family
Our fortress
I believe in us
Together
One future
One destiny
One dream
Four heartbeats
Four souls
Can we keep them?
Will we be here?
I believe in us
Together
Entwined
Entangled
I believe that for all time we will always be here
I believe …
Please visit Sleep for the Weak to see what others have come up with for this week’s writing workshop about belief.
Mummy Beadzoid has tagged me and asked me to ‘Fill in the Blanks’ and explain a little about who I am.
So here goes …
I am a worrier. I have always been a worrier for as long as I can remember. And the thing that I worry about most is what other people think about me. Pathetic, I know. I worry about what people think about what I wear, what I do and how I do things. I worry about what kind of teacher I am, what kind of parent I am, what kind of blogger I am! I let these worries impact on what I do. It leads to a lot of loneliness actually and to an inability to really be myself in front of others. Very few people know the real me, I do not let people close. A fear of ridicule, a fear of rejection. I can come across as rude to some people, I know, but it is not rudeness, it is shyness. People find this hard to believe as I am confident on a stage or when teaching a group of children but among a group of my peers this confidence leaves me. Deserts me and lets me down. This worry is quite a handicap for me. It leads to irrational thinking and over reactions to silly situations. Sometimes it is like an out of body experience as I emotionally react to a situation I am telling myself to stop. But I can’t! This worry causes me stress but I cannot stop it. I should be able to but I can’t. I am a worrier and it is something about myself that I hate.
The bravest thing I have ever done is have abdominal surgery whilst 26 weeks pregnant with my twins. Although this is not something that I chose to do, I had no choice, I have never been so scared in all my life. David and I had tried for so long to get pregnant, we had come so far in this twin pregnancy and we were about to lose everything because of me, because of my body. I was letting him down. I was letting his parents down, my parents. I was letting down our children, before they had even been born. From being admitted to hospital to being cut open took 3 days. 3 days of tests and assessments, pain killers, blood, vomit and terror. David was far braver than me, he did not know if any of us were going to survive, no one seemed to know what was wrong or what should be done. I told him that if it was a choice between me and the babies then I wanted to be the one to die. It was awful but worse for David as my recollection of those days is blurred and I know for him the memories are still very clear. After the operation I was in hospital for 7 days recovering. I was heavily pregnant. My bump had been cut from top to bottom to allow the surgeon to save my twisted bowel without disturbing the babies. I could not eat, I was on oxygen. David had to help me in a way a husband should never have to help his wife, let alone fiance to fiancee. I was so swollen with water retention I could barely sit, stand or walk. I had to fight on to get fit and well for the babies. When I was discharged on the 21st July I did not expect to go to hospital again until October but in spite of my best efforts and those of all the doctors the babies were born on the 24th July 2010 at 27 weeks plus 3. I am so sorry babies that I was not able to keep you safe inside me for longer x I will always feel sad about that.
I feel prettiest when I forget to worry about what other people think.
Something that keeps me awake at night is my son, William. Bless him. Born at 27 weeks, now 7 months, there is nothing my little man likes more than Mummy’s milk. Every 2 – 3 hours right around the clock. I always complain about this but actually I love feeding him and will miss it so much when this special time is gone. But it does mean a severe and prolonged lack of sleep.
My favourite meal is fajitas. David and I started eating fajitas regulalrly when we started IVF as a good way of eating lots of vegetables. When I make fajitas they are filled to bursting with veg – peppers, onions, mushrooms, chillies, tomatoes, spinach. We have lots of different varieties of mushroom and they are really filling and flavoursome. We started IVF in January 2009 and we still eat fajitas at least once a week even now. Yum – Yum!
The way to my heart is to surprise me. Tell me something nice, make me laugh, write me a story, cook me a meal. Be thoughtful and kind and spontaneous. Treat me in some way, make me smile. Show that you have been thinking about me enough to plan a surprise no matter how small. Do this and my heart will be yours x
I would like to be thinner. Since starting IVF and being pregnant I have gained over a stone in weight. It is coming off slowly but I still have a way to go before our wedding in September. I am struggling to lose weight and tone my stomach because of the scars from surgery. I will keep working at it and hope that by September I will be somewhere near to where I used to be in tone and weight. If not, well, I have two beautiful babies to show for it, and at the end of the day, I am alive.
This is me, I am what I am.
Thank you Mummy Beadzoid for the questions x
This weekend Life in a Pink Fibro has asked us to think back to June 2010 for the Weekend Rewind.
My blog was not even concieved last June. I was 5 months pregnant and thought I had 4 months of my pregnancy still to go. In reality the birth of Esther and William was just a few short weeks away.
HYTHE JUNE 2010
Here I am, bustin’ out all over, with my lovely twin bump!
To help jog my memory about June 2010 here is my month in Facebook Statuses!
June 1 – Jennie is having a lovely half term catching up with family and friends.
June 1 – Jennie has had a lovely day in the sun with Mary, Clare and Rohan.
June 3 – Jennie thinks she should have planned to do something this morning rather than just sitting and waiting for her scan!!
June 4 – Jennie is happy and relieved after seeing two active, healthy babies on screen today. And only two weeks to wait til next scan!
June 4 – after a day learning BSL is now getting on with the baby budget!!! So exciting!
June 5 – Jennie begins her last two weeks at school for the forseeable future!!!
June 7 – Jennie has decided to stay at school one more week! Now finish 25th June all being well!
June 9 – Jennie got a bit emotional in Mothercare today and bought the twins some teeny tiny newborn socks! So cute!!!
June 11 – Jennie got a bit emotional in Mothercare yesterday and bought the twins some teeny tiny newborn socks! So cute!!! Now she is sorting all the contents of her hospital bag!! Just in case!
June 12 – Jennie is tired and the day has not even really begun!
June 14 – Jennie is looking forward to some retail therapy on Thursday.
June 14 – Jennie has no more work til Monday!
June 15 – Jennie is finding choosing a name for our girl twin sooooooooooooooooooo hard!
June 18 – Jennie decided to scale back rather than leave altogether!
June 23 – Jennie really wants to make a start on cleaning and sorting her house but after school and home tutoring just feels too tired! Roll on 9th July when I will be finished school and can spend my days getting ready!!!
June 23 – Jennie and David have exciting plans for their house!!!!
June 24 – is looking forward to introducing Maia to Rohan!
June 26 – Jennie is listening to 90s Indie classics and sorting through baby clothes!!!
June 27 – Jennie and David have been to the sea!!
June 27 – Jennie would like some advice on what to do about her fat, pregnant, painful swollen ankles and feet!!!! Ow!!!
June 28 – Jennie is home from 24 week scan and all is well. Hooray
This all seems like such a long time ago. I had a job and went shopping! The twins were so longed for and now they are here!!! 7 months old when they should really only be 4. And they are doing so well. Growing bigger and stronger every day.
This week Sticky Fingers has asked us to photograph expression and it just so happens that today I was taking pictures of little Esther’s smiles. These are some of my favourites.
See in what direction other bloggers take this week’s brief over at Sticky Fingers’ Gallery.
I am so thankful to have this to do today as I am having the worst few days ever with Esther and William, well William really. He is teething with a temperature and refusing to eat or sleep. I love him with all my heart but he is exhausting at the moment as he is often inconsolable. David works from home and is getting increasingly stressed that he is needed to help with the babies rather than focus all his attentions on his work. I think we are both nearing breaking point, so taking 5 minutes (albeit with William in my arms!) to ponder on what would be a perfect day for me right now is a really rather nice thing to do.
What would make my perfect day right now?
1 – I would wake up to a warm, sunny morning. The babies would wake smiling in their cot and we would go downstairs where I would put them down to play on the lawn whilst I got a breakfast of coffee, orange juice, fruit and croissants. I would sit in the warmth of the sun and watch my children playing happily together. It would be quiet apart from their beautiful coos and babbles. There would be periods of warm hazy silence.
2 – The postman would deliver a letter from my sister telling me that she is pregnant and that she is moving home from Australia not just to the UK but to Kent where we will be sisters, friends and neighbours and our children will grow up knowing each other like cousins should.
3 – I would have lunch in a cafe courtyard in the sun and enjoy drinking wine and eating finger foods with good adult conversation with a group of friends. We would laugh and joke and be playful. We would discuss and debate. We would not notice the sun beginning to set and day turning to night. It would be wonderful.
4 – I would go to a salon and have a relaxing back massage, facial with Indian head massage and have my hair cut and styled. I would take a lovely outfit with me to the salon and would dress there ready for an evening out.
5 – The evening would be with all my family and friends together at a function rather like a wedding reception with good music and good food. There would be dancing to cheesy music. There would be fun and frolicks and laughter. Lots of laughter. Everyone would be loving the company of everyone else. It would be riotous and yet so peaceful. Like being home!
And if there were just one impossible thing that I could make happen right now, I would like to go to 167 Grange Road for a cup of tea, a game of scrabble and a cuddle with my Nan. Because I miss her so much even now, everyday. That would be a perfect day.
I love Dodgy and adore their album Free Peace Sweet from 1996. I had just left school when this was released and bought the CD whilst a Fresher at University. I would listen to this album over and over again.
When I met David, he and I would often listen to this in the car over and over again. Singing at the top of our voices, driving fast, windows down, sun on our faces, wind in our hair!
One of the songs from this album, One of Those Rivers, is one of ‘our songs’ and will feature in our wedding in September. It contains the lyric
Let’s not worry about, what we haven’t got
And let’s not choose the life, that will have the cost
As long as you and I can live happily
then surely all I want is staring back at me
That is how I feel about David, it matters not about anything else, as long as we have each other that is all I need.
Another song, Homegrown, will be played at Esther and William’s christening next year. Homegrown is the way that it should be – those words fit so perfectly over photos of our gorgeous homegrown babies.
These songs just fit us. They mean so much.
David and I were supppsed to get married in August 2010 and I wrote to Dodgy who said that they would record Homegrown for us specially for the service. I didn’t remind them and they have never been in touch again but I might send a link to my blog, explain that the wedding postponed and see if they will do something for us this time. It would mean the world to David and I, and be a treasure for the babies to keep.
Back to the album …
If You’re Thinking of Me is a beautiful, sad song that has gotten me through some sad and lonely times over the years, but now Dodgy reminds me only of my first summer with David and a video he made for me on my birthday that year.
Dodgy are easy to listen to, they have simple and meaningful lyrics which tell a story. The melodies are catchy with some of their faster songs being true Brit Pop anthems.
This band have grown with me from school through Uni to parenthood. They are a shared favourite with the man I love, we listen to them in the car and In a Room; and I can picture us, in the future, as a family Staying Out for the Summer with Dodgy!
When Esther and William were born I bought them each a book. Because they are twins I wanted the books to be by the same author and so I chose Oliver Jeffers. I wanted each baby to have a story chosen especially for them, that could mean something to them all of their lives. I also wanted them to have a story to share. The three books that I chose are: The Way Back Home; Lost and Found and How to Catch a Star.
Lost and Found was William’s book. It was first read to him on the day that he was born by his Daddy. David and I sat by his incubator and shared this story with our newborn son, who weighed in at just 2lb 11ozs and could not open his eyes or breathe without assistance. We read to our little boy lost hoping that he would find his way, that we would find a way to be together as a family. Lost and Found is about a little boy who finds a penguin. Penguins (along with giraffes!) are my favourite animals and I want to pass that on to my children, to share it with them. The little boy thinks that the penguin wants to go home and the boy does all he can to help him find his way but then he realises that the penguin was not lost at all but was lonely, he didn’t want to go home, he wanted to find a friend. It is a very touching story about friendship, told very simply with beautiful illustrations. It explores loss and loneliness which seemed very apt for our William who was all alone in a plastic box when he should have been in our arms with his sister. It tells how two people can find comfort in one another and help each other along the way. it is a story of the journey of friendship, through words and pictures it shows the strength and determination of one little boy to help another. We dedicated this to our Mr Strong, our braveheart, our William. This is a wonderful first story for a little boy. For our little boy.
Our daughter’s first ever story How to Catch A Star. I chose this for Esther because one meaning of her name is ‘Star’. I read her this book for the very first time on the day she was born. I sat beside her blue lit incubator and read it to my 2lb 4oz baby, who I had known just hours but already loved with all my heart. This was the prefect choice of story for Esther. It is about a boy who loves stars and tries everything that he can to find one. This is a story with the message of never giving up, of doing all you can to achieve your dreams, of fighting for what you believe in, of striving for your goals, of being strong and reaching for the stars. This was the perfect message for my tiny, fragile daughter fighting for her life in an incubator rather than celebrating the start of her life in my arms. I read this story with broken voice and eyes full of tears. My little star was going to need all the strength she would muster and all of our strength too. This book is so beautifully illustrated I just know that it will be treasured for always for its message and devoured time and time again for its lovely language and exquisite illustrations. Thank you Oliver Jeffers for helping us give our children such a lovely start to life and the world of literature.
The final book , I bought for the twins to share. It is called The Way Back Home. Inside the front cover I wrote:
Dear Esther and William
We can’t wait to show you the way home to our house, your house, your home. We love you now and always.
Mummy and Daddy
This Oliver Jeffers book is about finding your way home. This was all we wanted for our two babies, to find a way to bring them home. This story is about a young boy who gets stuck on the moon with an alien and together they must find a way to get each other home. It is a tale of friendship and what can be achieved when friends work together. I hope that Esther and William will be life long friends as well as twin brother and sister and whenevr they fight or fall out I am going to remind them of this book, the first time we shared it and how far they have come.
Oliver Jeffers is a brilliant writer and illustrator of unique and exciting books for children that can be enjoyed by all the family over and over again.
Simple stories with complex messages and meanings, filled with heartfelt love and warmth.
Please, if you have not yet discovered these books and enjoyed them with your children, please do, I am certain that you will not be disappointed.
Thank you Oliver Jeffers! Keep writing please!
For the first ever Flashback Friday I am exploring Februarys past.
FEBRUARY 2011
This February has been all about my sister’s wedding. My wee sis got married to her lovely man, Hugh. They are now in the US on honeymoon before they return to Oz where they live. Well done again, wee sis. So, so proud x
FEBRUARY 2010
February 2010 featured another wedding. On a beautiful winter day David and I went to our dear friends Rich and Lex’s wedding. I was about 5 weeks pregnant in this picture and we were not sure yet if it would be twins or not!!
FEBRUARY 2009
February 2009 is when we moved into our house. It has snowed a lot since we started living here. It is a perfect house for snow and Christmas. More about that next Friday as I plan to feature the house again in my Friday Flashback post.
FEBRUARY 2008
This was the month that my parents left for Spain but here I am with my Dad on his February birthday before they left. It his birthday on Sunday actually, so …
Happy Birthday Dad!!
So there you have it, a little flash through my februarys past. What will you choose to reminisce about? What have others chosen to share? Why not hop on over to Cafe Bebe and begin your own trip down memory lane.
Thank you for a fun Friday meme x x
WOW! Has there really been another week? I feel like I have achieved nothing this week but I am sure that there must be some cheery bits somewhere?!? Oh yes, yes, yes, yes!
1 – I am now the proud owner of a dishwasher and a washer / dryer!!
This decision to obtain a dishwasher and a tumble dryer is going to change the quality of my life by giving me just a few spare minutes a day to do something for me. It will mean that I am not searching the house for places to hang washing on a rainy day and that my airing cupboard will not be full to bursting with damp baby gros! A little luxury! My first reason for cheer!
2 – William can roll from his front to his back and his back to his front! Tick follows tock follows tick follows tock!
William is on the move. He can roll around the room now with great groaning effort. He has realised that by throwing himself around in this way he can travel and get to places he wants to be. It also means that he can amuse himself for longer periods of time, just rolling! Esther, not wanting to be out done by her little brother, has started trying to roll today but she is not so successful. At under 10lbs she is such a tiny little thing and seeing her try to propel herself across the floor with no power or purchase is heartbreaking. But she will get there, I know she will, and in the meantime I take great delight in her being photogenic.
3 – I have taken some beautiful pictures of Esther this week that I am very proud of
David bought me a camera for Christmas and I am finally starting to get some good results with it. I adore looking at people’s baby photographs and have been trying to take good shots of my own. This week I finally feel like I am getting somewhere!
4 – My blog has reached over 20, 000 hits and I feel like I have made my first blogging friend in TheBoyandMe (Hope that she does not mind me saying so!)
This week my blog reached over 20,000 views. I know that is probably not a lot in comparison to others but I feel like it is a real achievement for me and it has filled me with blogging confidence and cheer. This new found cheery confidence has led to me commenting more on other people’s blogs and trying to interact more on Twitter. Through my endeavours I have found a blog that I love, http://www.theboyandme.co.uk/, and have started chatting a bit to its author, who seems to be lovely. Please try and read her blog if you haven’t already as it is brill! It has played a major part in making me cheery this week!
To see what is making other people smile this week pop on over to Michelle’s blog and join the hop!
Have a great weekend one and all!