Today is Thursday. It is just 4 sleeps since my Mum went back to Spain after helping us for 3 weeks. It already feels like my mum was never here. The house is a mess with laundry everywhere and I am struggling to cope with two 8 month old babies who can do nothing for themselves. As they were born so prematurely they are still very much like 5 month olds, they cannot sit or crawl or hold onto things for any period of time. What they love more than all the world is to be cuddled and played with, and I find it so hard with two at a time. They are quite heavy now as a pair! I find it hard to juggle my time between them; I never seem to be with the right one at quite the right time. William is very demanding which means that Esther is often left mid game or mid feed. She is so placid, she does not complain but it breaks my heart. There must be another way. Today she had to wait so patiently while William demanded to be be held for over an hour while he screamed. When he did settle he would scream again if I tried to give Esther any attention. I know that it is not his fault but I do feel for my beautiful daughter. There must be another way!
I think a big part of the problem is me. For 8 months I have spent every day with the babies, mostly on my own. I miss adult conversation, I miss banter and I miss having time to do things for me. Even as I type this I do so with a sleeping baby in my arms. Every time they do sleep I have to decide what is a more important use of my time, shower, tidying up, personal admin, sleep!?! When they are awake I am constantly trying to keep them happy and entertained. We go out for walks, read books, sing songs, play with toys together and independently, use a swing, Jumperoo and bouncy chair. We even sometimes watch a bit of TV. But whatever we do never seems to be enough for them, for me. One person is always unhappy after such a short time. I feel like it must be that is doing something wrong, there must be something I am missing?
I think it will be better now that the babies are beginning to sit unaided, when they are able to do this it will open up a whole host of new opportunities. I think maybe I am expecting too much, or perhaps I am not doing enough, but how do you know?
After screaming from William and tears from me today David suggested putting Esther and William into nursery but I really do not want that. I want to be a full time Mummy; I just wish that I knew how to be good at it!
I have contacted Home Start today for some help and they are going to get back to me in a couple of weeks, David has also spoken to a cleaner who is coming to meet us next week.
After Easter things will be better, I think. We will be going to Sing and Sign on Monday, Baby Massage on Tuesday, Toddler group on Wednesday, Swimming on Thursday and Baby Sensory on Friday.
Every day we will have something to look forward to, a place to get out too. And that is a huge part of how I feel I think. For the whole of cold and flu season we have been under lock and key. We have not been out and have allowed very few people in. Going to these groups and classes I hope I will find someone to talk to.
Until then readers and fellow bloggers you are stuck with my regular ranting!!
They are asleep now and I should be doing household jobs there are so many to do – sort the clothes, hang out washing, take in washing, clean the bathroom, clean the kitchen, sot the dishwasher, change the bedding … the list goes on and on.
By the time I get some precious time to myself like this though I only want to sit down. Sit down, have a drink and gather my energy, collect my thoughts.
I think that a huge part of my problem when I think about it rationally is that I feel robbed. I do. It is silly I know. I feel robbed of pregnancy because of my operation. After 25 weeks I was hospitalised, operated on and then the babies came. I feel robbed of being a proud new Mummy because of Esther and William’s prematurity, I did not get gifts in the hospital, and I did not pass Esther and William round all of their eager and excited relatives. It was neither celebration nor commiseration when they came, but something in between. I feel robbed of being a new Mummy; I have missed 6 months of classes, clubs and groups. 6 months of social interaction with others like me. Esther and William are 4 months from a first birthday party and they do not have a single friend to invite. When I think about things rationally I feel robbed. I feel sad and I feel lonely. I love my children dearly and I want to do the best I can for them but some days like today I feel that I am just not good enough. What can I do about that?
Oh dear, time for some chocolate me thinks!!