Dear Matilda Mae: Our Earliest Hours Without You

In a little over an hour it will be 72 hours since I found you.

3 whole days without you.

I miss you with every thought, feeling, action and word.

You are missing from everything that I say and do.

I miss you and would give all I have, all I am, to bring you back.

We arrived home from the hospital in the early hours of Sunday morning.

The drive home was silent as Daddy, Granny and I thought our own thoughts of you

I don’t think any of us could believe that we were once again driving from that hospital but leaving a baby behind

They placed you in a moses basket, swaddled in a blanket

We were allowed to see you

I could only cry and beg you to wake up

I just remember begging you

Over and over

Please wake up Matilda Mae

Please wake up Matilda Mae

I told you that I loved you, that I missed you

That I desperately want you back

They say that you can hear me

But I am not so sure

They cannot close your eyes

You are not yet at peace

We have not yet said goodbye

But soon I will see you again

Before we send you to the sea, the sky

I will tell you that I love you, that I am sorry

That you will be part of me for always

Even though we will say goodbye

The hours are passing slowly

William is having a wonderful time

Lots of people he exclaims

As his family rally round

Aunty Louise is The White One, Uncle Simon The Grey!

Esther is not so sure

She is quiet, she is tearful

We all miss you Matilda Mae

Esther and William know that you are missing

They sense there is something wrong

But they are just too little to really understand

William has his uncles making train tracks and doing roly polys

I hope you are giggling at your funny family

From wherever you are right now

Granny and Grandad are our rocks

They make sure we make it through each day

They talk to us

They listen

They hold us when we cry

Everyone is crying for you Matilda

But we are remembering you too

And holding your beauty and happiness in our hearts

We have to stick together more than ever

We have to make things right for Esther and William

We tried to tell your siblings that you are gone

The first day they did not seem to understand

We said that they would not see you anymore

That you were in heaven, up in the sky

William asked for more shreddies

On the second day we told them you had died

That you were in heaven, up in the sky

Esther asked for a drink

Today, the third day, we went out in the car

And of course you were not there

Esther was very upset that Baby Tilda was not in the car

She would not let anything be put in the place where your car seat should be

We told her that you could not come in the car because you had died

She repeated it back to us

Baby Tilda has died

She kept saying it

She died, Baby Tilda is died.

Then William said a wonderful thing

That you are up in the sky, up there, high high in the sky

They have been listening Matilda Mae

And they are starting to understand

Your cousin Mason understands

He says that Great Grandad will be helping you up in the clouds

I so hope that is true my darling angel girl

I hope that you are happy

That your smile is lighting up the skies

As it lit up our lives and every room that you entered

We are not coping well without you

We are all grieving in different ways

I hope you don’t mind me writing

It is all I can think of to do

I love you Matilda Mae

I wish I could hold you in my arms

I wish you would be here to clap along to my singing

To flap your arms with excitement whenever I enter a room

To smile your wonderful smile

To cling to me when I cuddle you

To pinch and scratch me as you feed

To practice your blinking, your nodding and shaking your head

I wish I could hear you giggle

Play a game of peekaboo

I wish we could have our time all over again

My heart is breaking

How can you possibly be gone?

My beautiful angel Matilda Mae

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28 thoughts on “Dear Matilda Mae: Our Earliest Hours Without You

  1. simply beautiful words jennie, write all you need to if it makes it easier to get your feelings out, you have such a wonderful way of writing, still thinking of you all and sending prayers to you all x

  2. my heart aches for you all. Wishing the days ahead are not too long and that the twins bring you joy even though in their understanding their words at times may cut through you like a knife.
    xxx

  3. Such a heartfelt post. I am cradling my poorly boy twin as I read and realise how lucky I am. I cry tears for the loss of Matilda Mae, for all your pain because I cannot imagine how cruel this must feel. You don’t know how strong you are until you have to find the strength xxxx

  4. Oh jennie, I am terrible with words, unlike you, but I am thinking of you, your family and beautiful Matilda Mae constantly. I know that is no help to you but I just wanted you to know. If I could take away this pain I would. Xxxxx

  5. I’m so pleased that you are finding some sort of comfort through writing all this down Jennie. I wish there was more we could all do to help you through this, to ease the pain somewhat but I know there isn’t. No parent should ever have to walk this path. Sending you all my love xxx

  6. I wish there were some words that would do justice to the pain I feel for you as I sob my way through this post. As a mother, it rips me up inside to even imagine what you are going through. I’m more sorry than I can ever express that this has happened.

    The photos are beautiful of your amazing baby girl, Matilda Mae.

    xxxx

  7. terribly, terribly sorry for your loss. She is such a beautiful baby girl. I have twins too and have been following you for about a year. Your story has broken myself and my partner’s hearts. We have shed many tears for you and your family. I admire you for continuing to post on your blog. Your words are so eloquent and beautiful and a testimony to what a wonderful mother you are. You are a strong woman, even though it may not feel like it at the moment. We are sending you much love and you are in our thoughts xxx
    @squinsee

  8. Again, Im still crying a thousand tears for you, for someone I’ve never spoken to before, I wish I could take your pain away. I wish I could help.

  9. We do not know each other but I so wish I could help in some way, I have been reading your blog posts and tweets. Words can not express how sorry I am for your heartbreak. Matilda Mae has touched so many people’s lives and her beautiful smile will always be remembered. I have so much respect for how strong you are being for your twins, you are an amazing Mother. You have all been in my thoughts and remain in my prayers. God bless you all xxx

  10. Although I don’t know you I’ve been following your words on facebook. I cry tears of sadness for you and your family. And as I feed my baby I hold him so very tight and we pray for you and your familythat you find comfort and strength in each other and come to terms with such a devastatingsituation. Know that you and Matilda Mae have touched the lives of people you never even knew. And know that we are all thinking and praying your you. And grieving with you xxx

  11. I don’t know you very well Jennie, but I have followed your blog and your story, I didn’t want to read and not comment. I know nothing I can say will make things easier, but I am thinking of you and Matilda Mae. xxx

  12. Oh Jennie, If tears could fix things us bloggers would have sorted this. I just read this post, I got half way down and started crying, and now to be honest I’m crying rather alot. xxx

    Was the words from Esther and William about Baby Tilda that did it.
    I know I didn’t talk to you before this tragic news, but I had read your blog and tweets before as we have many mutural blogging buddies.
    I just want to hug you all, its heartbreaking, and cruel and I so want to do something for you, anything.

    I’m sorry xxx

  13. Such beautiful memories. I have sobbed many times for you and your family over the past few days and you have been constantly in my thoughts. Wishing you strength and love to get through this. Xxx

  14. So very sorry to hear of your tragic loss, your pain must be immense and overwhelming. I cannot imagine what your going through but you sound a wonderful family that was all too briefly sent an angel. Allow yourself to grieve fully and the days will one day get brighter xxx

  15. There is not anything in the world I can say to make it all better, but every day I think of you and your family Matilda Mae you are a beautiful little girl and will be loved by all x

  16. I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. No words can express how saddened I am and I can’t begin to imagine how you must be feeling. Sending you all the strength and love in the world. Rest in peace Matilda Mae.
    Xxx

  17. As a mum of 3 children my heart is breaking for you. Life is so cruel at times :-( I wish you and your family love and strength to get through this terrible tragedy. The photos of Matilda Mae are beautiful-may she rest in peace as a wonderful angel in heaven xxx

  18. Jennie,
    I heard about the loss of your daughter via The Imagination Tree and I am at a loss for words over what has happened to your beautiful angel Matilda Mae. As I read your words tears are falling and my heart breaks for your family. I am so very sorry for the loss of your sweet girl and will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Rest In Peace Matilda Mae. xoxo

  19. dear Jennie,
    What tragedy, yet what strength you have. I can identify a little with you as I had a stillborn baby (born a week before his due date) and people comment on my strength, but it is the fact that I had a 2 year old to look after that kept me going- and smiling and laughing, at a time when I thought I would never smile or laugh again.
    You too have an amazing husband there to support you too and if I can advise one thing, it would be that as time passes (and unfortunately time will keep ticking and nothing can be done to bring back your beautiful angel) keep communicating with your husband, sharing both the happy memories and the pain too. Be honest about if you need time to yourself to reflect – there’s nothing wrong with that. Nearly 3 years on ( and a little minx of a baby girl later, now 20 months!) I still would do anything to go back and have precious time with my Toby Joe again. the 7 hours I spent after giving birth to him. My initial reactions was how much harder it must be for you, Matilda Mae having been part of your family for 9 months, but actually, I feel envious that you got to spend as long with her as you did- I would have loved to have just a minute with Toby alive and looking at me- seeing how much I loved him.
    I think you’re incredible Jennie. A wonderful mother, don’t blame yourself for anything – she, like Toby, for some reason that I can’t understand, we’re too precious for this earth. Matilda lives on in your heart, and will be with you all everyday. At times that my son cannot sleep, or is nervous, I tell him that Toby is with him – and he often says he’s in his pocket :o)
    Whether its right or wrong, we talk about Toby all of the time- when it rains, we say its Toby jumping on the clouds. Every year we make sure we do something special (dinosaur park on his first birthday, thomasland at Drayton manor last year and this year we are going to go to legoland)
    I bet you can’t imagine time passing, and at the moment just take things day by day. Even now, I still cannot make sense of the shock at realising that Toby was dead. There are no words – nothing that anyone can do to ease your pain. I wish I could bring her back for you Jennie, she is beautiful and remains beautiful up in the sky- where Toby will be looking after her. Look after yourself and no matter what you do, you will be making Matilda Mae proud. Xxxxxxxxxx

  20. I often think of this post. I have a picture of you coming home from the hospital without Matilda and it breaks my heart. I still cannot believe this happened and I promise I will do all I can to help you build a legacy she would be proud of. Still thinking of you so much every day
    xxxxxxx

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