Dear Matilda Mae: For Your First Birthday in Heaven

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Dear Matilda Mae

I am writing to wish you a happy birthday for tomorrow.

I hope that you are watching us and can see all we have planned and prepared for your very special day.

Keeping busy helps me to try and carry on without you.

Making moments as magical as they can be and doing things in your memory and honour.

I love you so much, we all do and we miss you every day.

Tomorrow is your birthday.

Your first birthday.

It is going to be a hard day for us on Earth

But I hope with all my heart

That in heaven you are happy.

We wish you a happy first birthday in heaven Matilda Mae

We think you might look like this.

We read this book every night and kiss your picture goodbye.

We think this picture looks like Toddler Tilda.

Angel Tilda as you are now.

Esther and William are very excited about your birthday.

They think that you might have balloons and cake up in the sky

So we will be having them too.

Because you are not here to open presents

I have bought some bits for Esther and William

Duplo trains and tractors

I hope you do not mind

We will think of you as we open them

And play with them on your special day.

We are going to be doing some lovely things

That will help us feel closer to you

Watch out for our bubble kisses

As they dance up in to the sky

See our wooden boats

Racing on streams and sailing in the sea

Everything we do tomorrow Matilda Mae

We do with love for and in memory of you.

We are on holiday at the moment at a very special place.

We booked this holiday on Christmas Day.

As a first birthday present for you.

You would absolutely love it if you were here

I think you would like the rabbits best

Or perhaps the baby lambs?

There is one lamb here in particular I think that you would like

Her name is Matilda Mae

I have spent most of this holiday trying to make sense of all this.

I am not doing very well.

I carried you inside me for 9 months.

You lived at the heart of us for 9 months.

Then you died and have been apart from us for 3 months.

We named you Star of the Sea

We chose this perfect peaceful safe place to be on this day

Nothing makes sense

But I have a strong feeling that not all of these things can be coincidences

Were you truly always going to leave us?

Were you only ever able to stay that perfect 9 months?

Were you born to us to be an angel?

I don’t know.

What I do know

Is that I love you with all my heart

Your death has changed me for always

I will never ever let anyone forget you

I will say your name every day

I will always find new ways to remember you and honour you

To make your 9 months count

I miss you so much

And I have so much to thank you for

The strengthening of friendships old and new

Making me a better mummy to Esther and William

You came into our lives one year ago

You turned our world upside down

And as soon as you came you were gone again

Challenging us again to find new ways of being and doing together

I am writing to wish you a happy first birthday in heaven

I am writing to tell you how much I miss your smile

Your smell

Your giggles

Your wriggles

Your cheeky looks

Your chubby hands

Your beautiful eyes

Your babbles and coos

Your love of life

I am so sad that I do not know you now you are one

What do you look like?

How much do you weigh?

What do you like doing?

What can you say?

I have only my memories and my imaginings

My mothers instinct

That tells me what you would be like now

Now that you are one.

I miss you Baby Tilda

Baby Tiger in the sky

We will remember you tomorrow

We will celebrate the times that we had together

We will wonder what you might be doing

If you were with us now

And we will plan a family future

That will make you so so proud

You will never be forgotten Matilda Mae

One or a one hundred and one

You will always be at the heart of our family

Have a wonderful birthday Baby Tilda

A happy first birthday in heaven x

58 thoughts on “Dear Matilda Mae: For Your First Birthday in Heaven”

  3. I can’t really see what I am typing because of the tears, but I wanted to say something to let you know that I am here. I am always thinking of you and baby Tilda, and especially will be thinking of you all day tomorrow. Sending you so much love xxxx

    Reply

  8. Jennie, I hope you find the strength you need to get through Tilda’s birthday. The day you have planned sounds so very special. I admire you so much for the way you have focused your attention on positive activity and purpose and I know this could only be possible by having what sounds like a very special husband. I will be thinking of you all tomorrow x x x x

    Reply

  11. Hey Jennie,

    Its Lou here from Jumping Beans – Bella-Rose’s Mummy.

    I’m nowhere near as talented with words as you are so I will try to write this in the best way I know how, in the hope that I won’t upset you in any way but with the sole intention of expressing how much you are in my thoughts.

    Today, just like every day, but today in particular, I have not stopped thinking about you, Tilda & your family. This morning I went to Jumping Beans and, as there has been for 3 months now, there was a huge “Tilda shaped hole” in the session. I needed to take my 3 year old daughter with me today. It made me think about how E & W used to play around the babies, how they loved the parachute & how they would catch the bubbles.

    At free play time, the small bucket of feathers was waiting to be explored.

    First of all I was frightened to go near those feathers – they are mine & Bella’s special link to Matilda and I didn’t want to cry in front of anyone especially my eldest but Bella made the decision for me. She headed over as soon as she saw them. She started taking them out of the bucket one by one, then her big Sister came over to join her. Together they felt them, dropped them, took them out of the bucket, put them in, took them out again & then Bella began to pour them over her face – she had a look of pure excitement.

    She should have been playing with Tilda. I just know they would have been good friends. I feel so desperately sad that we will never know.

    I so wish I could help you in some way but I can’t. All I can do is think about you all & as I have said once before, make sure that your beautiful baby girl is remembered in my family forever.

    Tomorrow will of course be a special but challenging day for you and David but please know that, like so many of your friends, family, followers & acquaintances, we will also be having a Tilda day. At my house my girls & I will be dressed in pink & purple, we’ll play in the garden with bubbles & balloons, we’ll eat cake, sing songs & I will take photos so I can, as promised, show Bella what we did to remember Matilda on her special day when she is old enough to understand.

    It’s not much but it’s all I have…..

    Always in my thoughts
    Lou
    xxx

    Reply

  12. Beautiful letter. I hope that tomorrow is a special time for your family. Lots of people are thinking of you, I am also not religious but shall say a prayer for you all tonight.

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  18. Such beautiful words as always, I will be thinking of you all tomorrow as you try to get through the day. x x

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  22. It’s hard to know what on earth to say, but I hope the day is as special as it sounds like it will be and you will all be in my thoughts and prayers throughout. Sending happy birthday wishes to your angel in the sky and sending love, strength, and prayers to you all xxxxx

    Reply

  23. Jennie, you don’t know me but I’ve been reading your blog for a couple of weeks now. I think of you, your family and baby Tilda every day. I find myself bursting into tears in the car, on the way to the supermarket, at school pick up. I am crying myself to sleep at night. I feel so desperately, heartwrenchingly sad to hear Matilda Mae’s story – told through your beautiful brave words and gorgeous family pictures.

    None of which is any earthly use to you at all, of course. Although I wish with every fibre of my being that it could be. I just wanted to reach out and say how very, very brave and strong I think you are. And how much I admire your fortitude and immense love for your family. And how I wish with all my heart and soul that this day could be so different from the unimaginable day you are facing.

    I know you know this already but you and baby Tilda have touched so many hearts, even friends who you don’t yet know will be breaking their hearts as they think of you, your family and your beautiful baby in the sky today – and every day.

    Bless you all with so much love and courage

    Xxx

    Reply

  24. Dear Jennie,
    A few days ago I was waiting for my kettle to boil to make a cuppa and this poem popped into my head, so I started writing it down. It’s very simple but thought I’d share it for her first birthday in heaven. (As an acrostic looks much prettier in fancy pink & purple font 🙂 so I might email it to you.)

    Magical Matilda Mae

    Magical Matilda Mae
    Angel born into this world
    To a special, beautiful family
    Inspiring mothers all over the world to be great mummies like yours
    Love is spreading like wildfire
    Due to your extraordinary, beautiful, heavenly perfection
    Achingly missed – as it is so rare that we are visited by a real Angel

    Memories of you are etched into so many hearts
    Always a reminder of pure love
    Earth-Angel for nine months; Eternity-Angel forever; Eternal Star of the Sea –shining magic into the world

    xx

    Hoping she shines some magic down for you today. Lighting a pink and purple candle tonight and saying a special prayer xx

    Reply

  26. What a beautiful letter to your daughter. I can’t imagine how incredibly tough tomorrow will be – so different to how it should be. You have such courage to celebrate baby Tilda’s special day in the way you have planned – when you probably just want to curl up and cry, hide and rage at the unfairness of it all. I will be thinking of you all tomorrow and hoping you feel Tilda’s healing presence very much with you xx

    Reply

  28. Happy Birthday Matilda Mae. I woke at 3.20am thinking of you & your wonderful family. I hope the day is gentle with you xxx

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  29. Happy birthday to beautiful Matilda Mae. As always am thinking of you, your Mummy and Daddy and brother and sister and sending lots of love. Prayers are with you today. Xxxx

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  30. Despite its difficulties, I hope you enjoy today. Your star in the sky is watching down you and I am sure she will enjoy her birthday party from the sunny sky above. Thinking of you today and always xxxx

    Reply

  31. Happy Birthday Matilda Mae x x x

    I will be thinking of you all today, the sun is out as you know in Cornwall this morning. I woke up hoping it would be for you.

    I can’t imagine how hard today is going to be but all the lovely things you have planned are all so right. I am glad you choose the South Coast because there are lots of starfish there, and somehow that just seemed perfect for Matilda Mae.

    Thoughts will be with you all today, so many people will be thinking about all of you. xxxxx

    Reply

  38. Happy birthday Matilda Mae!

    I stumbled across your blog a month or two ago and was devastated to read about your gorgeous angel, you write with such beauty and strength despite the hell you must be going through. It amazes me that you still have the energy and passion to do such wonderful activities with Esther and William.

    I have wanted to post so many times but never quite found the words. My little girl also turns 1 today – it doesn’t seem fair that I should be doing all those things you write about when you so desperately want to. It is a day filled with happiness for us but a corner of my heart is tinged with sadness for a lady I’ve never met who gave birth the same day as me. I just wanted you to know I was thinking of you. x

    Reply

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  46. Happy Birthday Matilda, and I am so pleased that you are able to spend the time with Fiona and her wonderful family; Coombe Mill looks like a wonderful place to be to remember xx

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  49. I have followed your blog for a while now, always wanting to respond to your beautiful words, but never feeling that my words do your pain any justice. However I couldn’t let today go by without writing to say you have been in my thoughts, words and actions all day. I woke up thinking of your beautiful precious angel, Matilda Mae, and of you, her mummy, a beautiful, strong woman that bares unimaginable pain….pain that no mother and family should have to bare. I pray that today as you celebrate Matilda Maes 1st birthday, as you re-live 1 year ago when she was born into your family, as you remember her magical 9 months, as you sail your boat and say goodnight…..that you can know that you were chosen to be her mummy, that you and your family enveloped her in love and that she will ALWAYS be a part of you.

    Happy birthday to your Star of the Sea x x

    Reply

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