Sorry Tale Conclusion Part 1: Falling Pregnant (24th August 2013)

I am pregnant.

Fallen as we hoped we would

Baby due between but not in February or May.

I am so pleased to be pregnant.

I am also absolutely terrified of all that is to come.

I know now that the journey is not going to be easy.

I know that anything can go wrong at anytime.

I am all too aware of the fragility of a pregnancy

Of a baby

All too aware.

I knew at about three weeks when I had an implantation bleed

I wiped, I saw, I knew

I refused to test when my period was late

Though I knew, I also could not face a negative test again

I waited until the eve of our holiday

David went out and bought the tests

I tested straight away and it came up positive

I tested again in the morning

Still positive

I was

I am pregnant

It was 4 weeks and 3 days

The morning of that second test

I tested again on holiday when by my dates I should be 5 weeks pregnant

This time I used a digital test

The conception indicator said 3+ weeks

Matching up to my thoughts of me being 5 weeks pregnant.

There is nothing now to do but wait

Until we go home and I can get an early scan

Just as I did with Tilda

To check baby is in the right place

I am very paranoid about an ectopic pregnancy

I am panicking over every cramp and twinge

I am also worried that people will think if this pregnancy goes well

If this baby survives

Then I will not be missing Tilda anymore

That I will somehow be recovered

Be healed

But what I really need

Is more help and support than ever

As I struggle with pregnancy and grieving for my baby girl

I do not want to tell anyone that I am pregnant

Not until I absolutely have to

Because I do not want everyone’s memories and love for Tilda to fade away

I do not want people to stop helping me create her legacy

I do not want people to stop raising money for The Lullaby Trust

A rainbow baby will be a wonderful baby

But they will not be Matilda Mae

And that is something I am coming to terms with

And something I feel I may need to remind people of along the way

This baby will never replace Baby Tilda

This baby will not take all the pain away

This will be our rainbow baby

Matilda’s younger brother or sister

I am coming to terms with that.

6 thoughts on “Sorry Tale Conclusion Part 1: Falling Pregnant (24th August 2013)

  1. I’m so pleased for you, I was refreshing all last night hoping for this post to come up. No child will ever replace Matilda Mae, but they will bring some hope back to your life. Your little one will be so blessed, having a guardian angel in the sky always looking out for them x

  2. Maltilda Mae, the beautiful baby girl who’s death I learnt of through another blogger. I felt sad and cried as I hugged my 4 month old son. I googled to find your blog, I read your posts but was too shy to comment. I had moaned about a sleepless night just moments before I read a post where you told the world to cherish every cuddle. You changed the way I parent my son. I no longer moan at the sleepless nights (and at 17 months there are still at least 4 wake up calls a night) instead I hold my son, I cuddle him, bring him to my bed and cherish every moment awake and asleep that we have. Matilda Mae will never be forgotten, never replaced, never not missed. She will be remembered always! :-)

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