I am pregnant.
Fallen as we hoped we would
Baby due between but not in February or May.
I am so pleased to be pregnant.
I am also absolutely terrified of all that is to come.
I know now that the journey is not going to be easy.
I know that anything can go wrong at anytime.
I am all too aware of the fragility of a pregnancy
Of a baby
All too aware.
I knew at about three weeks when I had an implantation bleed
I wiped, I saw, I knew
I refused to test when my period was late
Though I knew, I also could not face a negative test again
I waited until the eve of our holiday
David went out and bought the tests
I tested straight away and it came up positive
I tested again in the morning
I am pregnant
It was 4 weeks and 3 days
The morning of that second test
I tested again on holiday when by my dates I should be 5 weeks pregnant
This time I used a digital test
The conception indicator said 3+ weeks
Matching up to my thoughts of me being 5 weeks pregnant.
There is nothing now to do but wait
Until we go home and I can get an early scan
Just as I did with Tilda
To check baby is in the right place
I am very paranoid about an ectopic pregnancy
I am panicking over every cramp and twinge
I am also worried that people will think if this pregnancy goes well
If this baby survives
Then I will not be missing Tilda anymore
That I will somehow be recovered
But what I really need
Is more help and support than ever
As I struggle with pregnancy and grieving for my baby girl
I do not want to tell anyone that I am pregnant
Not until I absolutely have to
Because I do not want everyone’s memories and love for Tilda to fade away
I do not want people to stop helping me create her legacy
I do not want people to stop raising money for The Lullaby Trust
A rainbow baby will be a wonderful baby
But they will not be Matilda Mae
And that is something I am coming to terms with
And something I feel I may need to remind people of along the way
This baby will never replace Baby Tilda
This baby will not take all the pain away
This will be our rainbow baby
Matilda’s younger brother or sister
I am coming to terms with that.