Sorry Tale Conclusion Part 3: Waiting to Miscarry

We dared to hope when we saw the little white flicker on the screen

A tiny little heartbeat of life

At the second scan it had gone

Our rainbow was covered in cloud

No flicker

No heartbeat

No rainbow today.

Though we had decided not to tell anyone until after Tilda’s walk

I had been secretly busy

Plotting and planning dates

Choosing and listing names

Dreaming of what life might be like

I had been battling with guilt

Worried and scared

But I already loved this baby

The baby they would have become

It seems that our storm is not yet over

It feels like our grief is only just begun

Our rainbow was covered in cloud

No flicker to be seen

No heartbeat of hope

No rainbow for us today.

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63 thoughts on “Sorry Tale Conclusion Part 3: Waiting to Miscarry

  1. My heart is breaking for you all over again. I know this baby would not have replaced Tilda or stopped anybody missing her and talking about her and working to make her legacy grow and grow. But that doesn’t mean it was any less important. Nobody should have to go through what you and your family have been through. It’s just not fair. You know I am thinking of you and David and sending you all my love xx

  2. I am so sorry to read this Jennie. I still think of the due date of my lost baby and how old they would have been when I think about him or her. I don’t know if you frequent any online forums but I found great support on the miscarriage and TTC threads on mumsnet. I felt like nobody else understood exceot those that had been throught it. Hugs xxx

  3. I’m so sorry Jennie. As you say, your storm isn’t over. But it won’t rain forever, soon it will just be a light drizzle. And although, for you, it will never stop raining completely, you will see that rainbow one day, even if it isn’t in this lifetime. All of your lost children will be waiting for you and they will know how much you have loved each and every one of them.

    Xxxxx

  4. Jennie – I commented earlier but then I remembered this poem that someone gave me after my molar pregnancy.

    The world may never notice
    If a snowdrop doesn’t bloom
    Or even pause to wonder
    If the petals fall too soon
    But every life that ever forms
    Or ever comes to be
    Touches the world in some small way
    For all eternity.

    The little one we longed for
    Was swiftly here and gone
    But the love that was then planted
    Is a light that still shines on
    And though our arms are empty
    Our hearts know what to do
    Every beating of our hearts
    Says that we do love you.

    I have a copy of this secreted in my purse. I know words don’t really help or change anything but I hope you like the sentiment behind it.

    xx

  5. Oh Jennie, I am so sorry to hear this. Of course you loved that baby too, and you shouldn’t be feeling guilty at all as you will always love your Matilda. I still think of the one I lost through miscarriage. The Miscarriage Association also provides a great deal of support. I am wishing with all my heart that one day you will indeed have your rainbow baby, and in the meantime sending you lots of love and thinking about you as you go through this. Xxxxx

  6. This poem was also given to me and it gave me great comfort and also hope for the future. Thankfully I was blessed with my little girl shortly after, and I am praying it is the same for you. I hope you don’t mind me sending it on too.

    An Angel Never Dies.

    Don’t let them say I wasn’t born,
    That something stopped my heart
    I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
    I’ve loved you from the start.

    Although my body you can’t hold
    It doesn’t mean I’m gone
    This world was worthy, not of me
    God chose that I move on.

    I know the pain that drowns your soul,
    What you are forced to face
    You have my word, I’ll fill your arms,
    Someday we will embrace.

    You’ll hear that it was meant to be,
    God doesn’t make mistakes
    But that wont soften your worst blow,
    Or make your heart not ache.

    I’m watching over all you do,
    Another child you’ll bear
    Believe me when I say to you,
    That I am always there.

    There will come a time, I promise you,
    When you will hold my hand,
    Stroke my face and kiss my lips
    And then you’ll understand.

    Although I’ve never breathed your air,
    Or gazed into your eyes
    That doesn’t mean I never was,
    An Angel never dies.

    Author: unknown.

    Thinking of you all. xxxxx

  7. Dear Jennie, how can one family go through so much. I am so sorry and so angry for you that you have once more been faced with a tragedy. I have no words to tell you how sorry I am. You do not deserve any of this pain. Thinking of you always especially tonight on a Saturday night xx

  8. Am once again in tears for you Jennie. You must feel so battered by life at the moment. I’m so sorry for the babies you have lost, but feel sure that your rainbow will come. In the meantime carry on being the wonderfully strong woman you are xxxx

  9. I am so Sorry to hear about your Loss. I have miscarried 3 times and can Share your pain. Even if all of this seems like too much to bear for you, I wanted to say Thank you for Sharing your pain and for being so honest. Never met personally, living on another Continent, you, David, the twins, Baby Tilda and your rainbow Child have a Place in
    My heart.

  10. I am so so sorry you are having to face more loss, life can be so unkind. I fell pregnant with my sons straight after both my miscarriages and am praying you get your rainbow baby soon. Sending every best wish to you and David xx

  11. I think about you and your family often and keep you in my thoughts, but having read these posts my heart goes out to you. I have have been in that situation twice but not with your added grief and history behind me. I wish there was something that could be said or done to help you feel better, hopefully knowing that you have so much love and support amongst others, some of whom you have never met will provide some comfort.
    As ever, thinking of you. Sending lots of love, hugs and hope, Tania

  12. I have no doubt you already loved this little one. I was the same about my miscarriage baby. Although we have not met them for a short time they were a part of us and as a mother that is a huge thing. I am so sorry to hear you’ve lost this little one. There really are no words. Xxx

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