The Mad Blog Awards: Look What Love Can Do

Friday night was The Mad Blog Awards.

I had been unsure about whether or not I should go.

I was absolutely certain that I would not win.

I was unsure as to whether I felt it appropriate or not to attend.

I worried that other people might feel it inappropriate for me to attend.

Bad enough that I had lost Baby Tilda

But I am waiting to miscarry a baby too.

I was not at all sure that I should go

But I was sharing a room with Emma and I did not want to let her down

And I wanted to meet my beautiful friend, Merry

One of very few people who really understands what it is like to be me

Meeting Merry, spending time with Merry

Was something that I could not

Would not

Miss.

I also wanted to be in a room of bloggers

People so important to me

People who mean the world to me

Though many of them I hardly know

People who have kept me alive

People who have not forgotten Baby Tilda for one moment

People who have made her little life matter.

People who are helping to build a legacy to last

Because they have taken our story, our family to their hearts.

I cannot thank everyone personally

But I hope by coming to things like this

That I find so very very hard

People know how much they mean to me

How grateful and thankful I am

For my friends that I barely know.

On the way to the awards I managed to get lost a few times

I was shopping for a bag

I had my eye on a sparkly starry bag in Accessorize

I went back to the shop three times to look at the bag

On the third time as I walked into the shop

I heard a tune I know so well

A song that breaks and lifts my heart all at once

Firework

And I knew it was a sign

From one Multiple Mummy to another

That I should buy the bag

And that I had made the right decision to go to the awards.

Thank you Kerry x

Meeting Merry was wonderful.

I cried the second she entered the room.

And I did not leave her side for the rest of the night.

It was wonderful to meet someone so strong

Someone I admire so much

A true inspiration to me

A true friend

And we talked

How we talked

And how I longed to talk more

I cannot wait to see Merry again.

So the tears began with Merry

But they did not end there

I managed to make it through the meal in one piece

But as soon the award presentations began

I knew I was going to be a mess.

So many people that I admire and look up to

Won awards

Mummy Daddy Me

Crazy With Twins

Capture By Lucy

Gorgeous ladies all

As soon as I knew our category was up

The tears began to fall

And I could not stop them

I think I may have actually sobbed

As people around the room

Turned to look at me

It was the montage that introduced

Each of the 10 Outstanding Contribution Finalists

Each with their own unique story to tell

And it was Tilda

And the dawning realisation

That it does not matter what I do

What ever I ever may do

Nothing will ever bring my baby back

And yet I stared at those photos

Shown on that screen

And I saw the love between my baby and me

Laid bare for everyone in that room to see

And my heart broke all over again

Because I still feel like I can just reach out and touch her

Reach out and hold her

Which of course I can’t

I will never ever hold my baby again

And now with this miscarriage

I am terrified that I may never

Hold a baby of my own ever again

And that I cannot bear

So for me winning this award

Was bittersweet

I am so proud of all that has been achieved in Baby Tilda’s name

But I would swap it in a heartbeat

To have my daughter in my arms again

Just for one warm snuggle

One gummy grin

I would give anything for that

As the finalists in our category were called to the stage

I made it there because of one woman

As she did for me that night

What she has done from afar so many times

She held me and guided me

And made me a stronger, better version of me.

Thank you, Merry.

I stood among those wonderful women

Truly talented, kind hearted, generously spirited, committed, hard working and loving women

And I felt like maybe after all I did belong

And I was so happy when each and everyone of us was given an award

That each and every outstanding contribution was recognised

Because that was exactly as it should have been

Each story unique

Each story a powerful representation of the good that blogging can do

I was honoured to be up on that stage

I was proud of being Baby Tilda’s mum

I wished my husband could be there to see

How much our daughter means to so many people

I wish Susanne had been there

She has made so much happen in Matilda’s name

She has been an amazing friend to me

I wished that I had gotten some words out

I managed to sob a thank you

A thank you for remembering Tilda

For that night

For me

Was all about her

My beautiful daughter

Matilda Mae

Ripped from this world far far far too soon.

It felt right to me that Coombe Mill won Best Family Fun

Following on from Multiple Mummy

Another link, another sign

From one MM to another

And the final sign of the night for me

A thank you from Matilda Mae?

A sign to say that she was watching?

That she was proud?

That it was okay?

As I walked into my hotel room

For a quiet moment alone

Songbird played on the radio

For you

An amazing night

Another wonderful magical part of Matilda’s legacy

Just look what love can do

Look what love can do!

I cannot ever bring my baby back

But I can do this.

I can do this!

41 thoughts on “The Mad Blog Awards: Look What Love Can Do

  1. Jennie, you are a beautiful woman from the inside out and it was a joy and a pleasure to be beside you. I hope we have begun a lifelong friendship. I think we have much to do together.

    Remembering our babies. Xxx and well done.

  2. It was an absolute pleasure to share this room full of such amazing people, which of course includes you Jennie. A wonderful, wonderful night – we all shed tears along with you. Tears of hope, tears of love, tears of what have been and what could be. Well deserved lovely lady, well deserved. Sending you my love xx

  3. and this is what LOVE can do. Love from everyone who reads your journey, follows your blog, follows you on Twitter etc, who all share the love you have for Tilda. Not had, have. A love that is unbreakable and forever. It was a pleasure to congratulate you Jennie and I hope in one hug I gave you all the strength I have for the next horrible part of your journey. Life is too cruel sometimes but love will see you through xxxxxxx

  4. I am sat here in tears reading this Jennie. Look what love can do indeed. I stood up clapping, cheering and crying along with all ten of you on Friday night and more than anything I felt so proud to be part of such an incredible community of people. Blogging quite frankly is amazing.
    I think you were so brave to attend on Friday night, even more so with what you are going through at this moment, but you were dignified and a truly deserving winner. What you are doing for charity and for Matilda’s legacy is truly inspiring- I have said it many times before but you inspire me to be a better mother. That is shown in the fact you have been a finalist for three years.
    I have a post coming up tomorrow on the awards, and I have said it there, but I will say it again. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of Baby Tilda, and your family. x

  5. Congratulations Jennie, on being brave enough to go to the awards and for winning (deservedly so) the award itself. I am so very sorry that you are waiting to miscarry. And I am so very sorry that Matilda Mae was taken from you so soon, so tragically.
    All I can say is – don’t give up. Keep blogging, keep talking, keep letting the tears fall. But most of all keep believing in your rainbow. My first 2 pregnancies ended in miscarriage. Then my next pregnancy ended suddenly, at full term, 4 years ago tomorrow. My little 6lb 13oz girl stopped moving, and a scan turned my world from light and joy into darkness and despair. I thought we’d never hold a living child in our arms. I thought I’d never heal from having my heart ripped out of my chest. I thought I’d never meaningfully laugh again. I wasn’t sure how much loss I could possibly endure. But I refused to give up, and I now have my two beautiful rainbows. And they really are a beacon of hope after a terrible storm. Keep writing from the heart, I love to read your blog. So honest and so moving. I completely empathise with that sickening realisation that your baby is not going to come back, whatever you do. But we do it all in their names – so whilst it won’t work miracles, it can recognise and validate what a miracle they were in the first place. Thank yo for sharing your children with us all, and sharing your raw emotions. xxx

  6. I am in tears also!! It was so hard sitting at home on Friday, knowing you were scared and emotional and not being able to talk to you or tell you it was ok. I was so so glad that Merry was there. And I knew you would win, not because Baby Tilda died, but because you deserve it so much. Look what love has done already, and what else we are yet to do!
    xxxxxxxxx

  7. Congratulations Jennie, although it probably doesn’t feel like a celebratory time for you, you are right… it is love that is doing this. You are truly an inspiration to us parents out there, I do not think I could be as strong and brave as you are. I hope one day I can meet you, it would make me very proud to say that I have and shared some of your life, if just for a moment. Keep doing what you’re doing… x

    Love is making you remember, making you feel
    Love is bringing you closer and keeping it real.
    Love is giving you strength, making you strong
    Love is supporting you when you just can’t go on.
    Love is causing you heartache, sharing the tears
    Love is weaving your future, for happier years.
    Love is shining down on you, guiding your way
    Love is holding your Tilda within you each day…

    Lots of love Jennie xxx

  8. Jennie, what a truly beautiful post form a truly beautiful person through and through. I hoped to meet you and say Hi on Friday, I never imagined I’d actually be sat at the same table as you! An inspiration to many, who captured our hearts at the awards and before….a very well deserved Outstanding Blogger Award for an Outstanding mother, woman and blogger! I just wish I’d been able to say this to you in person. Well done Jennie, Matilda Mae will live on in our hearts forever xx

  9. I’m so glad you went to the awards. I was so so proud of you all evening, knowing how hard you must have been finding it and how scared you were but that you were still there for Tilda.
    I could hardly breathe as we were waiting for the winner to be announced on the live feed, even though I was so sure you were going to win. After, I was so worried for you. Knowing how bittersweet the whole evening would have been for you. I just wanted to be able to give you a big hug and tell you it was OK. I’m so glad you had Merry with you.
    You really did deserve to win. You stood up with so many wonderful and inspirational woman, but it had to be you and Tilda. I know I’ve told you this many times, but you are an amazing, strong and beautiful woman. You didn’t win because your beautiful daughter died. You won because of who you are and what you do.
    Look what love has done and we’re not done yet xx

  10. Incredible post. It was an honour to share a room with you. I don’t know if I helped at all, but I tried. You deserve that award so much, for your incredible writing and sharing your soul with us all. Much love to you xxx

  11. Oh Jennie, this is such a beautiful and heartfelt post and this is why you won. You won because of how your writing has helped so many people, how you’ve inspired so many people and all that you have done to raise money for such a worthwhile cause – all in beautiful Baby Tilda’s name.
    You amaze me with your bravery each and every day and I can only aspire to be just even half the woman you are. My beautiful, strong and amazing friend. So proud. So so proud. And so so teary. Lots of love, always xx

  12. In the words of the famous Beatles song:
    Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love.
    There’s nothing you can do that can’t be done.
    Nothing you can sing that can’t be sung.
    Nothing you can say, but you can learn how to play the game
    There’s nothing you can make that can’t be made.
    No one you can save that can’t be saved.
    Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time.
    All you need is love. Love is all you need…

  13. In some ways you have done it already, and yet in others you have only just begun. You were so brave to be there. Truly inspirational. And hear hear re Merry, I met her too for the first time but could see that she was a rock for you, another truly beautiful lady. I hope I meet you both again sometime soon and that I can help you in any way before then x

  14. I’m sorry I didn’t get to talk to you properly. I hope we somehow stood with you, I hope we somehow held you as we wanted as you made those strong steps for your beautiful daughter. You are such an inspiration, amazing, beautiful and strong – Matilda Mae was so incredibly special because she has such an incredible Mummy! xx

  15. Pingback: The MADs: my winning ladies | Actually Mummy...

  16. Oh Jennie, you have been through so much and are still helping others so a well deserved win I think. Congratulations!!! I really do think about you and your family everyday and hope you get some good luck soon xx

  17. A very belated comment, I know, but I was so pleased you felt able to attend, as I know you’re an inspiration to so many of us – not because of Matilda, but because of you, and everything you are, and do. Much love x

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