Every star reminds me of you
Every mention of an angel
All the lights make me think of you
Every sparkly string of tinsel
I cannot bear the words of Christmas songs
They all seem to be speaking of you
Of how I miss you, how I gave you my heart
How Christmas just won’t be the same without you
I have spoilt your siblings with presents this year
And for this year I am comfortable with that
Whatever it takes to get us all through
To make the silences not so heartbreakingly sad
This Christmas will not be merry for me
I am not feeling much joy or goodwill
I am crippled with the pain of losing you
With wishing you were here with me still
I have not enjoyed buying presents
Have found no fun in festive thrills
I am not looking forward to decorations
Our advent calendar remains full of its fills
Every thing that I can do
To take part in this winter season
Reminds me of how much I long for you
Celebrations feel like treason
It will soon be 11 months you have been gone
It will soon be time for a brand new year
I cannot bear the thought of 2014
A year when you have never been here
I hate the idea of birthdays
For friends and family
They all get older, turn a new age
One that you will never be
Thinking about the day itself
Takes my breath away
Without my baby in my arms
It is just another lonely day
A day when everyone else is merry
When all are full of cheer
And tears prick and burn my eyes
They seem to forget you were ever here
But I will not forget my baby
Will not forget Matilda Mae
I will make her part of all we do
This festive season, this Christmas Day
Candles will be lit for you
We will shout your name out to the sea
We will blow bubble kisses to the sky
In all we say and do there you will be
I cannot do this Christmas without you
It is too hard to live a lie
I am full of pain, fear, sadness and rage
That my baby had to die
That you only ever had one Christmas
Before you were taken from Earth
Before you were ripped from the heart of us
9 short months after your birth
If you see me this Christmas
Please don’t ask me to be merry or bright
Because though I may smile and laugh with you
The pain will be unbearable inside
And for every day that we manage to make
As magical as can possibly be
Though it is best for our dear twins
It costs me physically and emotionally
Because as the sun begins to set
And Tilda paints the sky purple and pink
As the day ends for our living children
My heart begins to sink
For one is gone from us, we can’t get her back
This is how it always must be
And so Christmas has become a difficult time
Not one that is happy and merry
There may come time in future years
When we feel ready to party
But this year we need to be surrounded in peace
As we come to terms with how our lives now must be
No Baby Tilda for us this year
No youngest child beside the Christmas tree
One less person to feed, clothe and give gifts to
Only two of everything that should be three
So bear with us please if we are not full of joy
As we celebrate the birth of God’s baby boy
Christmas is a time filled with babies and stars
Our hearts are breaking as we truly miss ours
Please be gentle and patient with us this Christmas
Thank you x
If you had lost all this, would you know what to do?
No, no I wouldn’t… x x x x December’s concerts in NW London are called “Lights and Stars” inspired in large part by me thinking a lot of your very own MM… I’m playing Twinkle Twinkle (Mozart’s original variations arr. for violin and piano). I wish it wasn’t so far away from Kent so you could come, but maybe I will be able to play them on 1st March for you 🙂 I’m having star fairy lights and star biscuits and will play for her 😉 x x x
I for one will never forget. Never EVER. You have my word on that, Jennie. We put our tree up today and my heart was breaking for you as every Christmas song I thought about you and Tilda and the pain you are feeling right now. I’ve put the purple wooden star with Matilda’s name on the centre of the tree and I have stars everywhere. We will never forget. Ever. Sending you all the love in the world, now and always. I wish with all my heart I could take your pain away xx
I didn’t want to read this post and not leave a comment. I read most of your posts and my heart breaks for your loss.
Hugs
My heart is with you. All my love xxx
No words… but a lot of love to you and your family this Christmas. x
I cannot begin to know how painful the next few months are going to be for you. You know I’m always here for you but I also understand if seeing S is just too painful.
We’ve put our decorations up. On my tree there is one pink and one purple star with Tilda’s name on it. At our window, a string of star lights, shining so she can see then. Without really meaning to, there are more stars and more pink and purple. For her.
I know it’s no real comfort to you, because it can’t bring her back. But maybe in some way it helps to know that although I’ll be celebrating with my family, I will always be thinking of her, and you.
Matilda Mae will be at the very centre of my Christmas this year. Her star will be in pride of place, candles lit in her honour and all the love I can possibly share will be coming your & your families way. I am so sorry you are without her. I’d do anything to bring her back for you. She will always be remembered and you will all always hold a very special place in my heart. As always, if there is anything at all I can do, I am here. All my love xx
Oh Jennie, this is such a heartbreaking post. You deserve so much more from life than the cards you have been dealt. I’ve just watched the video on YouTube, and Tilda was so lovely, with a huge smile. Her life was too short, but she was so so loved – the pictures show a happy, secure baby who has everything she could want. I can’t say a single thing to make things better, nobody can, but I wish I could. Take care of yourself and do whatever you need to to get through each day. Thinking of you and your family xxx
Jennie, I couldn’t read and run. I just want you to know that I will be thinking of you all and Matilda as always over the next few weeks. I wish you strength and peace
Eleanor x
No-one will forget Tilda. I can only imagine your pain and have no helpful words. I just wanted you to know that I think of Tilda everyday and I’m sure many others do too. I hope you find some comfort this Christmas, somehow. Lots of love xxx
Oh Jennie, no matter how much time has passed since that awful, tragic, heartbreaking night, I still don’t make it through a day without thinking of Matilda Mae and of you and my heart feels heavy with sadness. Reading this, tears streaming down my face, I wrack my brains to try and think of a way to change things for you, to make things right, but of course there is nothing I can do. Nothing anyone can do, to bring her back, to un-do the immeasurably cruelty of the hand you have been dealt. And I hate that, with all my being. My heart breaks for you, more than ever at Christmas, and you will always be in my thoughts and prayers. Sending much love xxx
Sending you so much love Jennie. We have little purple candles that each night we light along with our advent candle. They make me think of you and Matilda Mae . Your beautiful girl will never be forgotten, You and your family are always in my thoughts. xxxx big hugs xxx
Matilda Mae will ALWAYS be in my thoughts and I will never forget.
Thinking of you all as I always do x
Xx
there’s a purple star by our fire place this year. On Christmas Day my prayers will be with and the other families who lost their angels to SIDS.
Stars are everywhere at this time of year and they always make me think of you and Tilda. I think this Christmas will be awful for you and David. I don’t think anyone could think badly of you for spoiling your twins a million times over. I can think of no better way to distract yourself enough to simply survive the day. That’s all you need do this year – get through it. I hope in the future there can be better Christmas’s for you and I hope you feel Tilda’s love in every star and angel that you see. So very sorry Jennie xx
I am sending you all strength to get through. I cannot imagine the pain you are dealing with. xxx
I hope you don’t mind me sharing this.
I thought of your family the moment I read it.
Thinking of you all x
Christmas in Heaven, what do they do?
they all come to earth and spend it with you,
so save them a space, one empty chair.
You might not see them, but they will be there……
I hope you find the strength to get through the season for you twins sakes if nothing else, and then have the time for just you or you and David to just be, cry, shout if you need to. I hope that people give you the space, a hand or a shoulder when you need it too. Thinking of you xxx
I wish I had words that would truly bring comfort, but just know that not a day goes by where I don’t think of you and Matilda Mae, and I send you all the strength and love that I can xx
Ah, Jennie, sending you all lots of love to help you through Christmas and a promise we will never forget Matilda Mae. Xxx
…… Just get through it, feel whatever you need to feel. The flip side of Christmas is that it is a reminder, can be so very, very painful. Thinking of you. X
Oh Jennie, my heart breaks for you every time I read one of your posts. It is so so unfair. Be kind to yourself and do whatever you need to to get through it. Big hugs and thinking of you xx
Jennie
I do not comment often as I often worry about somehow making it worse. But it doesn’t really get any worse does it? You’ve experienced the worst thing anyone ever could and for that I am so desperately sorry for you all. I am sure that I speak for many others here when I say, your daughter has made an indelible mark on my heart. She is a special little soul-the girl who lived her life only ever in love.
I am thinking of all 5 of you this Christmas. xxx