Christmas was always going to be hard for us
Our first without Tilda
And I should have been 5 months pregnant
Christmas was always going to be difficult
It really was an incredibly tough time
Physically and emotionally
We kept it simple and quiet
We spent it with people who truly understood
That our smiles were a show
For Esther
For William
Inside our hearts were breaking
With love and sorrow
This was not how Christmas was supposed to be!
On top of all this
The pain of a festive season without our youngest daughter
Empty arms and missing bump
On top of all this
There was also the worry
The fear
Of a new baby growing inside
David and I agreed no scan until 9 weeks
Until the new year
And so throughout the holidays
I was using digital pregnancy tests
To check that the pregnancy was progressing
Or at least that the hormone levels were rising
It was not an easy time
It was not an easy time at all
A rollercoaster of emotions
Exaggerated and Exacerbated by pregnancy hormones
We were relieved when Christmas was over
We were glad to be able to escape
Run away
To Tilda’s river
In her special place
Our special place
