I cannot focus or think straight
My brain is racing from one thing to another
Never finishing an idea or thought
I feel like I have a fever
Then I am shaking with cold
I have grand plans, ideas and schemes
But I never get anything done
I obsess about things
Worry and stress
The stress batters my immune system
I pull muscles in my shoulders and back
My wisdom teeth get infected
I struggle to do daily tasks
I work out what needs doing in my head
But it seems beyond my physical capability
I rage inside my head
But keep the thoughts to myself
Til I blow
At the wrong person
At the wrong time
All the while there are people around
I can pretend that I am okay
But once the doors slam shut
I panic
I cannot breathe
I am angry
Then so sad I cry
Uncontrollably I cry and cry
Sometimes loud heart shaking sobs
Sometimes silent haunting tears
I am confused about what I want
Unsure of what I need
I know there are things I need to do
But have no energy or motivation to do them
I feel it build inside of me
Build and build with nowhere to go
I lash out at the ones I love
Hideaway from the ones I like
Hiding away more and more
As I dislike myself more and more
And there are moments when the lights come on
The sun shines bright and my skin feels warm
There are moments when my children stroke my face
And I wrap my arms around them
Everything feels harder than it should be
Because I have forgotten how to be me
I cannot remember who I’m supposed to be
I don’t know who I am
Yes, this is exactly how it is. Sending you so much love xxxx
I recognise parts of myself here. PND complicated by grief is very messy indeed. My psychologist has told me to try and be ok with feeling however I feel, whether that’s good or bad. Not easy, but it’s recommended as a way of working through it. Sadly, there’s no easy way through it. I think one of the hardest things to recognise and accept in grief is that we will never be the same as we were before our children died – that’s why we don’t recognise ourselves, and it complicates things still further. Hugs xxx
This all sounds very familiar.
I don’t have any quick fix advise.
Keep Talking – it helps!
Prioritise which tasks are important and then set yourself small achievable goals each day e.g. Today I am going to get one load of washing done. It makes the days less overwhelming.
Try and get as much sleep as you can. Being tired makes everything feel ten times worse!
Lots of hugs
xxx
This is how I felt when Daniel was 4/5 months old. First Dr thought it was only baby blues. It took until Daniel was 8 months old for me to see another Dr and be prescribed anti-depressants. Don’t wait as long as I did and go and see a Dr you can trust now. You will get better. This is only a phase. I am not 100% right but I am a million times better than I was now I am on the pills. Am here if you ever need to talk. Use the #PNDChat or #PNDHour (Weds 8-9pm) on Twitter in a similar situation who can offer support. Big hugs. You will get through this xxx
Very familiar, so sorry you are going through it. So glad your HV is starting the ball rolling with listening visits. It can be very hard to say things out loud you can’t unsay; why not print this out and post it to her? My counsellor was an enormous advocate of writing and you are so eloquent. I think several of us used to write long rambling very painfully honest letters and then spend sessions insisted we were fine; she knew though and having any channel of communication helped. They don’t suit everyone, but I found antidepressants (sertaline, which is one that can be used with breast feeding) was vital in helping quiet my racing mind and dampen the anxiety to feel safe enough for counselling and find a tiny bit of order to get basic things done. Really basic lists help!
Be kind, this will pass and when it does then you can try and do everything, but for know look at the basics. You, David and the children, eating, drinking etc; anything else can wait xx
When I had PND I made lists. One list had three things on it.
Things I must do
1. Feed the baby
2. Change the baby
3. Feed me.
the next list had
Things I can do if I can
1 Washing
2 washing up
3 shopping list
The last one was
Things I will do if I am able to one at a time.
and that had lots of things on it!
It takes time, it is a chemical imbalance, it can be treated.
Be kind to yourself.
Much love
The next list had