For one week of the year David works away
He does a big exhibition in London
I have always drafted in help when he is away
Help and company
David works from home a lot of the time
When he is not around nothing feels quite right
The week has been made all the worse in recent times
Because it was at the end of this one week working away in 2012
Our Baby Tilda died
This year I had been quite looking forward to the week
Ami from Beebies is here to stay
She is great company, a calming influence
And the children adore her
She sees us all once a week most weeks
And knows our routine
I thought it would make the week easy
We are two days in and it is not going well
It is not Ami’s fault in any way
I have to make that clear from the start
In fact, I am so sorry for her that she has been part of it
And so grateful that she is still here and able to see the lighter side
Nothing that much has really happened
It has been me
I am trying to get more involved with Esther and William’s school
And doing so is proving to be really good for me
Part of me has even considered
Perhaps, maybe going back to work!
Yesterday though I went to a meeting and took Bea
It resulted in her being all out of sync
I was feeling all stressed and preoccupied
Esther was being a bit silly with a sponge at bath time
And I over reacted
Bath and bedtime were both horrible
Esther and William would not settle
Every time I tried to deal with them it would wake Bea
I would resettle Bea then they would start again
And so on
I was not a good enough mummy
Not as calm as I should have been
Tonight bath time was better
Some silliness and a very unsettled Bea
Bea started crying as I read Esther and William their stories
She was really screaming as I put them to bed
I was trying to rush bedtime as my heart was pounding and breaking for Bea
I ended up shouting at William and terrifying him
Making him cry as much as Bea who by this time was just inconsolable
It was horrible
It was a small snatch of time but it was horrid
And we all ended up in tears
Ami and I included
Esther, William and I do not cope well when David is away
And he is not even completely away
He will be home late each night and leaves before we all wake in the morning
But he is such an important part of our everyday
We really do struggle without him
We love him and we miss him
I have so much admiration for single parents
And for people with partners who are often away
Because it is just not how we as a family work
If one of us is away nothing seems quite right
We lose our comfort and routine
And with this week being this week
Leading up to this Saturday
Leading up to the month of February
Everything is that bit more hard
My emotions are all over the place
More than perhaps I know
I just want to love my children
Enjoy them, hold them close
I don’t understand why I find it so very hard to do that
My heart is just so heavy
My spirit feels padlocked to a weight on the floor
I feel like there is no fire inside me
And in my head I see all the mummy I want to be
In my heart I feel it
I just cannot let it out and make it happen
I am just stressed and crossed and weighting for things to go wrong
And that is not or who or what I want to be
I feel lost
Like I am falling and I cannot stop
I don’t want to be lost anymore
I want someone or something to find me
Jennie, there is so much emotion going on in your heart and in your head and of course this will come out in some way throughout your day. This week is leading up to Tildas anniversary and this makes the emotion even stronger. You lost your baby girl, you lost a piece of yourself . You are trying to carry on and this is impossible but you are carrying on. Everyday can’t be a good day or even a fair day and I think you are doing amazing. You are a wonderful mummy to all your four children and like every other mummy you have bad moments in difficult days and we are not facing the grief you wake up to every morning. Jennie I wish you felt proud of yourself as proud as all us readers feel about you. You are amazing and you are wonderful and you are doing your best which facing your worst nightmare. Be gentle on yourself xxx
oh Jennie,
I feel for you, I really do. I read this blog and made me think, not only are you grieving but sometimes things just get so frustrating that you blow your top. Well do you know what? I do exactly the same & I have no grief to deal with. Sometime it’s just mental in our house & I have a shouty moment. I’m not proud of it, but I love my children and they love me and we get over it, have cuddles and we all calm down. Please don’t beat yourself up about these things, it’ll make you feel worse than you already do in the run up to this difficult time.
I want to give you a big hug, it’s a virtual one but honey, I really do feel for you. I think about you every day. Recalling our Twitter chats while we were pregnant with Tilda & Bubbles and EVERYTIME my sons where stra we have a wee chat about Tilda. I’m so sorry. I hope tomorrow will be better, in terms of bedtime. It’s always hard
Oh Jennie – as the others have said we all have days like this – I have far too many at the moment, I am far too shouty – it’s not who I am, it’s not who I want to be, I beat myself up about it, but sometimes everything gets on top of me – I have four young children, I work full time (teacher) and my OH is really not very hands on or pro-active with the children at all. Bedtimes are a nightmare in my house at the moment – my 5 year old son has tantrums and my 7 year old is up and down, up and down, not being able to sleep. I’m exhausted but I haven’t got grief to contend with as well – life is hard enough without having a heavy heart too. You and David are obviously immensely close – and he seems like an amazing father and husband so I can understand how you could feel lost when he isn’t there. You do cope wonderfully, you are a great mummy. And you sound like you were a brilliant, passionate teacher – perhaps going to back to work part time in the future would be good – a different focus. I’m waffling now….thinking of you as always – I know that you must be dreading this lead up to Tilda’s anniversary. You are in my thoughts. Sweet little Matilda Mae xx
I have no way of helping and no way of knowing how you feel but wanted you to know that I’ve read – you will get through this, and many other days/weeks/months like this but it will be hard. And it’s OK. It’s also OK to “not cope” because it means you still have emotions so you are “there”, if that makes sense. Much love x
It breaks my heart reading this Jennie. Please, please, please be kind to yourself. You’re only human, don’t be so hard on yourself. It is so clear how much you love your children,
There’s nothing I can say, I know that. You’re grieving, you always will be. Just please take the pressure off yourself. You’re an amazing mummy to all of your children, please don’t forget that. x
Reading this I can empathise completely, when Sam was a baby James worked pretty much all the time apart from time to sleep- and that bedtime routine was pretty much the same as ours some nights. Screaming baby hungry for his last feed, Alex crying out for Daddy and me in tears feeling like a rubbish Mum. It happens to the best of us, and you have this heavy weight of grief and the build up of the weekend and upcoming 2nd Feb on your mind on top of it too which really can’t be easy whilst having to keep the house running and children happy whilst they are all missing Daddy like you are too! I hope the rest of the week goes better for you xx
Hi Jennie,
Been there, done that. As have virtually every parent I have ever spoken to. Those who say it has never gone pear shaped at all are (in my opinion) liars! We ALL have times where our routine is out of whack, and it upsets the baby, which upsets the adult, which results in the others playing up and a ruckus going on.
I still don’t settle properly when MrN is away and my kids are grown and gone! I don’t eat properly, and my routine is completely whack.
Tomorrow is another day. It can go right. It may go wrong. BUT at the end of the day, your children will be OK. William was upset because he hasn’t witnessed you being like this before. Wait until he does something stupid when he is a teenager and you really really lose it!!!
I am pleased that you are getting more involved with the School, but perhaps in hindsight, you could have left Bea with Ami, and perhaps you could try this tomorrow for a wee while.
Tomorrow is another day, another chance to get through 24 hours and another chance to love your children, to live with your children, to make memories, to take a moment for you,
to read, to play, to shout, to cry, to laugh, to be you, the sum of all your parts.
With much love.
All I want you to know is that we don’t function well without my husband but we have to as he’s away too much. We don’t have all the emotions that you have on top. You are so strong even if you don’t feel it. I admire your strength and all parents have dealt with situations where things have spiralled like this – it’s normal. You are a great Mum. Big hugs xxxx
Anniversaries are so hard to deal with when you’re still being mummy, and if you have to be on your own at this time of year then it feels even tougher 🙁 You are a fabulous mummy to all of your children and they love you no matter what. Even if we have shouted and lost control for that short time…they forget. They move on, it is us that beats ourselves up. We should follow their lead more often. Take care of you, grieving and mothering are a bittersweet combination xx
Oh Jennie my heart breaks for you everytime I read one of your posts. You are such an inspirational lady, stronger then you give yourself credit for. I hope one day you believe in yourself as the parent you want to be 🙂 sending love and strength x
Xx hugs, and remember to keep some perspective and remind yourself that the reason you’ve upset yourself is because you’ve experienced a ‘trigger’ to some very deep fear and pain. I know that that grief is always with you but it has it’s depths and certain things will take you right back there to the worst parts of it. When you’re in doubt try and remind yourself that you are healing. Be as kind to yourself as you’d be to another Mum going through the same thing Xx
I am the one in our family that goes away! It’s mummy who has been the one to disappear a week at a time, one for ten days when I swanned off to the states. My other half always says he doesn’t know how single parents do parenting! But he finds it hard when I’m not here, it’s more frantic in the mornings, relying on my mum to pick Zach up and drop him off or relying on the buses to get him to nursery and back. When I’m home, I drive Zach everywhere. It definitely throws things up which is why I changed job at the end of last year, so that I won’t be away for long periods. I still have to go but it’s more like 1-2 nights that 4-5.
I can’t imagine how hard this time is for you but do know you are not alone in having your routines thrown up in the air by a trip away! And with the added emotion on top, please don’t feel that you’re not allowed to be thrown off scent with things. You are doing the absolute best you can under what have been horrendous circumstances.
Lots of love xxx