I Cannot Put My Baby Down

I love Bea

I adore her

She is my Rainbow Baby

A promise of happiness

But she is a baby

A 6 month old baby

Who has slept every night of her 6 months

In my arms

Every nap she has taken on me

She has a range of places to sleep

But only ever does so on me

Sometimes Daddy

But often once she is asleep

She is passed to me

I am with Bea all day every day

My choice I know

I cannot have it any other way

No one understands

No one

Not even those closest to me

How can they understand?

I cannot put my baby down

I cannot put her down

I cannot put my baby down because she might die

But like any mother

I get tired

I get frustrated

And I need time

When will I learn

To take the time?

Tonight I promised myself two hours for me

To write, to chat to friends online

To read and plan and plot play for Esther and William

I knew that I would have Bea in my arms

But I had hoped she would be asleep

As most evenings she is

But of course because I had planned this time for me

Bea is awake

And I have tried to play with her and be with her

Hold her and amuse her

But this is supposed to be my time

And the tension and frustration builds inside of me

Just like in a mother who has not had a baby die

And my head is raging

And my heart is breaking

Because I cannot be like a normal mummy anymore

I can never be a mummy who has not had a baby die

I can never be naive or innocent

I can never be carefree

And now this is coursing through me

Crushing the breath out of me

As the horror and panic and pain build inside

I can never be free

I have taken Bea and thrust her on her Daddy

Because I need that time

Just a slice of time

A tiny little sliver for me

I need some time for me

But I cannot put my baby down

I cannot put my baby down

I cannot put my baby down

Because she might die

raising rainbow big

10 thoughts on “I Cannot Put My Baby Down

  1. Oh Jenny, I don’t really know what to say other than I can only begin to imagine the awful panic that you must go through and it must be so difficult to contend with. I’m sorry I can’t say something more eloquent but hoping you get some reprieve from these feelings and some time and space to relax xxx

  2. There is much I cannot understand but I do try to empathise. The frustration at having no time I do get, and it is so so hard. I hope over time you will be able to find a way to have some time for you x x x

  3. I do not understand what it is like to lose a child but i imagine in the same situation i would probably be the same and not want to put my baby down. Bea is a beautiful gorgeous baby who you clearly adore, but i think every mum deserves a little break now and then and i hope as times goes on you manage to get some xx

  4. It’s hard to understand everything, but I can understand these general thoughts. Different situation, so different thoughts… Mine changed over time, there were many different things that started I must or I can’t and ended because she might die. So many things. I can’t let her cry, I can’t hold her, I must hold her, I must photograph x, y, z because she might die. I don’t know when they got better and less upsetting. I think they were much better by the time I went back to work, I remember being surprised that I’d actually enjoyed my time with her for the first time, prior to that I was just terrified most of the time. Not that I could find the words to tell anyone. Keep writing Jennie. I hope that one day your heart finds some peace, and the strength to allow a little more time for mummy.

  5. I know it’s not the same, I couldn’t imagine loosing a baby, and the pain that brings. I can’t put my baby down either, its a day to day struggle for me too. I’m scared to leave her with anyone else, scared to put her down encase something happens or I miss something. Emily was born not breathing, luckily they brought her back, but i missed the first hour of her life which has made me so attached and the way i am today. I hope you find with time that it will get easier. Always here if you need a chat, your such a inspiring lady. You will get there.
    Steph | http://www.raisingemily.net

  6. Jennie, you need to do what feels right. If it is to have Bea be held all the while then go with that feeling. Eek out the time for You when David is able to step in for an hour or so in the evenings. Agree on specific times or days. (Men tend to be more structured and appreciate that sort of warning.)
    I remember having my oldest & after having a rather traumatic delivery I refused to let her sleep on her own. I was exhausted. In the first week or so, I’d make OH stay up with her while I caught a wink, that was the only way I could sleep…. and that was me without loosing a child!

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