In two sleeps Baby Bea will be one

Our beautiful bringer of joy

Our rainbow

Our Hope

I should be feeling so happy

So proud

Instead my heart is breaking

Splintering

Shards of broken heart

Pierce every fibre of my being

I am so unbelievably relieved that Bea has made it this far

It still hurts so much that Tilda did not

Yesterday marked 30 months since Tilda died

30 months without our baby

Who should now be a little girl

30 months with a hole in me

I cannot repair

I try so hard to get through every day

Without anger, fear, panic, hurt

And every single day I fail

There is no pain quite like

Missing my baby girl

It encompasses everything that I do

I miss her

I love her

I wish with all my soul that she was here

That our paths had been different

For I know with her here

I would be a completely different me

And people say but if Tilda were here

You would not have Bea

But I do not think that is so

David and I always said we would have four children

And Bea is our beautiful fourth

On Wednesday she will be one

I have tried to ignore her birthday

Smuggling her celebration into a party for the twins

Inviting only Grandparents and Godparents

To a very small birthday tea this week

I have no idea how I am going to get through the day on Wednesday

And am so grateful to my two best friends

To be coming to hold my hand

And prop me up

Just like ‘Chele propped me up

As David carried Tilda’s casket into her funeral

Something I will never forget

I should be happy, elated and proud

Making sure Bea has a wonderful day

And Bea will have a magical day

I will make sure of it

I have planned the day with precision

To be sure we make it through

And we will remember the baby that died

As we celebrate the girl who lived

Our beautiful Rainbow Beatrice Hope

Our baby is almost one