Sitting here
In the dark
A snuffling rainbow baby in my arms
Dream feeding
Tears stain my face
My heart hurts
As my timeline fills with pink and purple stars
I feel sick to the soles of my feet
Three years ago I did not know this pain
I did not bear these scars
Or feel these hurts
Three years ago
She was here
And I was whole
In a way I never can be again
Three years without my baby girl
I cry less
I am less outwardly sad
But the erratic piercing numbness remains
The contradictions of feeling and unfeeling and not feeling
Not knowing
Not remembering
How to be
I am still angry with the world
I hate myself
I know no peace
I cannot settle to anything
Commit to anything
For fear it will be snatched away
I cannot lay my baby down
I am terrified she would not get up again
I am a terrible wife
A half hearted mother
An ungrateful daughter
An unthinking sister
An utterly broken
Unable to be mended
Mess of a human being
I am lucky to still have the people I have
I do not deserve them
Having spent three years trying my hardest to push them all away
I hate that some days are easier now
That I smile without thinking
Laugh more freely
The guilt cripples me
Over shadows all joys
And what the guilt does not disable
I punish myself
I am my own worst enemy now
For all those who thought this would get easier
Get better
It does not
It will not
It cannot
Grief changes and grows
It ebbs and flows
But it never ever goes away
I will always miss my baby
Every day for the rest of my life
The stars that once flooded social media
Now trickle
Life goes on
But for me the horror remains the same
I have just learned to conceal it
Grown better at being brave
Though not behind closed doors
There I am a monster
Battling my demons
Day by day
Making and breaking promises to myself
Hour by hour
People tell me I am strong
I am brave
But they do not see
What those closest see
The bare bones of what is left of me
Three years on
Different
Yes
Better
No
Easier
No
Life goes on
Lifeless
Without my baby girl
In my fourth year without her
I know things need to change
I know I need to try
I know I need to live
Before I am left not only broken
But broken and alone
It is time to start living for Tilda
Because I did not die with her
Perhaps I should
But I did not and she is gone
I live on
And I want to make my children proud of me
All of them
Time to live for Tilda
And stop hiding behind Matilda Mae
In the dark
A snuffling rainbow baby in my arms
Dream feeding
Tears stain my face
My heart hurts
As my timeline fills with pink and purple stars
I feel sick to the soles of my feet
Three years ago I did not know this pain
I did not bear these scars
Or feel these hurts
Three years ago
She was here
And I was whole
Much love, I can’t even begin to find the words, but wanted to leave some.
Be kind to yourself.
Jane x
So beautifully written. As always your writing brims with the love you have for all of your family. The depth of your grief a very painful reflection of the enormous depth of your love. How lucky all of your children have been and are to have such a mother. I truly believe that love like this stays with children all of their lives and beyond. Be gentle with yourself now. Thinking of you x
Sending hugs and lots of love…Thinking of you xxxx
You are none of those things you think you are. I love that photo of the two of you. I know it will never get any easier but I hope you know that I am still here. Lots of love x x x x
Oh Jennie, this is beautiful and heartbreaking but yes, live you must. You have soooooo much to give, you have given so much already. You are strong. You may be the bare bones but the things those bones have achieved, oh my goodness, just wait until the flesh starts to regenerate. Live for Tilda, live for your beautiful family, but most of all, live for you!!!! You are a beautiful woman, incredibly gifted in so much, you are still finding your feet, you have thrown yourself into so much. Our candles are lit tonight for Matilda xxx she will never be forgotten
Life goes on, of course it does. But I for one will never ever forget Matilda Mae. I remember exactly where I was where I saw your horrendous tweet and a week or so later my youngest little girl was born. MM changed me as a Mummy and I truly won’t ever forget her or you Jennie, long after I’ve stopped blogging and long after my children are grown up. I don’t drop in here as much as I should anymore but know that I think of you often. Sending you so much love. Xx
Thinking of you.
Sending you lots of love
Xxxx
Always in my heart and our thoughts.
Never forgotten Matilda Mae
Of course the world moves, it has to, but we all remain forever changed by a beautiful angel. X
God bless you Jenny and each one of your beautiful children x
Beautiful and shattering.
So sorry for your loss and pain. I’m glad you’re ready to live for her again. It’s one of the hardest things to do when you’re grieving but one of the most important too. Thinking of you all x
I didn’t know about you or your blog until today, until I heard of your story and read your posts.
I don’t know what to say other than that I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. Tilda is beautiful, she is a shining star and although I am in floods of tears for you, I can see that she brightened up a room with that gorgeous smile and she blessed you in so many ways.
I wish I knew what else to say, I know nothing will comfort you really but she would want you to live for yourself and your family.
Take care, thinking of you
X