Tomorrow my counselling begins

Just a phone assessment to start

But it cannot come too soon

I feel like I am under a very dark cloud at the moment

Engulfed in a fog I cannot see through

Breathing feels hard

I am angry a lot of the time

And yet at the same time incredibly sad

I feel like my heart is breaking

I feel very confused about everyone and everything

I seem to go in cycles

And this lowest point comes every few weeks

I wish I could predict it because then I could get some help in place

Instead I just have to try and get through the day

With three children who do not understand why there mummy is so upset about everything

And how can I explain it to them

When I have no clue what is going on myself?

When people tell you time is a healer

Take those words with caution

Because I have not found them to be true

My baby died nearly four years ago

And the pain is as real today as it has ever been

I miss her as much today as I have ever done

Only now the initial numbness is gone

So the pain and grief of losing her

Is amplified by every other bad thing that has ever happened to me

And some days

Like this day

I just cannot cope

So much pain

So much sadness

So much anger

All too much

Just too much today