I want to write about William

William is my six year old boy

I adore him

He is wonderful

Eccentric

Unusual

Special

Short

At six years old

William is the average height

Of a four year old

And his predicted adult height

Is just 5’6

I worry about William

As he grows

Or does not grow

As the case may be

I wonder about William

How tall would he be now?

As an adult?

If I had carried him to term

When a child is born prematurely

You have so many questions

As they grow

What is normal?

What is usual?

What would have happened regardless?

What has been caused because he was born too soon?

Esther and William were not just a little early

They were born at 27 weeks

They missed out on three months in the womb

Esther and William are here by the grace of God

And because of the dedicated team of doctors and nurses

Who cared for them for the first 59 days of their lives

But now it is my job to ensure that they make the most of their lives

That we so very easily could have lost

I know that we are so very lucky to have our babies alive

William is an old soul

He always reminds me of Edward from Twilight

He has a vocabulary

A pattern of speech

A manner

That makes me feel he has been here before

That he is from a generation long before his own

William has a huge heart

He loves everyone and everything

He gets very emotional

He sobs at films and storybooks

He really empathises with others

Fictional and real

He is also incredibly immature

Especially in comparison to Esther

(It is difficult to not compare twins!)

Along with Bea

I often feel I have two young toddlers in the house

William loves people

But he struggles with appropriate ways to be

He clings to people

Caresses people

Shouts in people’s faces

All things done with excitement, enthusiasm, kindness

But not always taken that way

I think he has some sensory issues we need to explore

He is definitely socially awkward

And over reliant on Esther for many things

Outside the safety of our home

I wonder whether William has Autism

High functioning ASD?

He fits such a lot of the criteria

And I think being on the spectrum

Is not uncommon in boys born prematurely

I need to do more research

But I think there could be a link to explore

With the possibility of a diagnosis

Comes more guilt for not carrying my baby to term

More would I, should I, could I thoughts

Would my little boy be as he is

If he had been born at term?

William is passionate

Obsessive about things

Trains are his first love

Followed by his laptop

Followed very closely by perfecting his acrobatic skills

And putting on shows

William is quick

A fast and constant mover

A fast and constant talker

A fast learner

He picks things up so quickly

And he never ever forgets

He has a head for facts and figures

But he can also read anything you give him

He likes to know stuff

He asks A LOT of questions

He likes specifics

He likes detail

And when it is just me and the three children

Meeting his insatiable hunger for knowledge can be tough

I cannot begin to figure in my mind

How school would meet his needs?!

He is working years above where he should be

In maths and reading

He struggles with writing

But can spell well

And can type paragraphs on a computer

He can also write simple programs on a computer

Using software like Scratch

And enjoys programming music

He really is rather wonderful

But I worry

I know all parents do

But I worry about his prematurity

And how it continues to impact upon his life

I wonder how it will affect him as life goes on

And the answer is

We just do not know

No one can know

We just wait and see

And live

And celebrate the beautiful human being that he is

He excites me

He infuriates me

I want to scoop him up and hold him close

I want send him far away

He is all he is and so much more

That we are yet to see

He is my boy

My one and only special little boy

And I love him

I will always love him

No matter what

And I will always feel proud to be his mummy

And guilty and sad that I have not done better for him

We missed an important three months together

And we do not know the cost of prematurity yet

Perhaps we never will understand

Just how much difference those three long months

Might have made

The peril?

Perogative?

Of a preemie mum?

A lifetime of what ifs and I wonders

A lifetime of fighting and guilt

But I would not change my William

For the world

I may be tiny, but my heart is immeasurable. Julia Toivonen