28 weeks pregnant

28 + 4 to be exact

Approaching 29

This week has been a slow week

It is half term here

So all our usual classes have been off

Bea has been a bit poorly

Just a touch of cold

But it has disturbed her sleep

And ours

The week has been long

And lonely

And led to a bit of a breakdown for me

I know it is the pregnancy hormones

Anxiety and PTSD raising their ugly heads again

I know it is the time of year

But for a very short time this week

I felt like I was not quite in control

And it scared me

No one understands why I cannot control how I feel sometimes

But I do not understand it myself so how can I explain?

It has not been a good week for me

I hope that baby is still growing well

Our Sprinkle of Stardust

She seems to be active

Often in the evening time

And early morn

That time when I am

Between asleep and awake

I love feeling her

I wish I had time to slow down

And feel her more

I cannot believe that in less than 12 weeks

She will be here

All being well

Our daughter will be here

Esther, William and Bea

Are so excited

So so so excited

They talk to bump

Calling her Bump

Or New Baby

They kiss my bump

And say ‘Hello New Baby’

‘We love you you New Baby’

They ask every day what she will be called

And William especially

Just keeps saying

‘I cannot wait to meet her, Mummy

I cannot wait to meet her’

I have been worrying about her name

I want it to be so special

I want it to be hers

I want it to fit with her siblings

I want it in some way to honour Tilda in the sky

I want it to complete the circle

Because after this baby our family will be complete

Though this is a concept I am struggling to accept

This pregnancy being my last is something I still cannot say out loud

I love being pregnant

I am so proud of my bump

But I know in my heart that this has to be our last

This week I have been reminded of my own fragile emotional state

And I want to truly enjoy the children that we have

I want us to have different adventures now

Not more pregnancy and newborn days

Though I am so looking forward to us all

Falling in love with this little one

I think we have some very special times ahead

This little family of mine

But I also think those early days, weeks and months

Could turn out to be a very lonely time for me

And I am going to be exhausted

Having a tiny newborn

And three other children always at home

I am going to be exhausted

I seem to have a very big fear of dying at the moment

Me dying

And leaving all my children behind

When Tilda first died I thought I was no longer scared of dying

But I am

I have so very much to lose

So many little people who need me

People I have made

That I want to see grow

I want to be a Grandma one day

I do not want to die

This week I have also been thinking a lot about logistics

Being able to easily get out and about

With four children at home all the time

We need to seriously think about how I am going to transport everyone

And all our stuff

When David is not around

Bea at 2.5 is often a reluctant walker

So I think we are going to need a double buggy

Suitable for a newborn

Or a pram with a buggy board

And it has to be able to fit into the car

With the four children and I

I also need to be able to manoeuvre a pram

Whilst possibly holding an unsettled baby

And dealing with Bea

The more I think about it

The more I think a summer of staying at home

Sounds very appealing

Classes are okay as no buggy is needed for Bea

Also our classes are mostly near fields and parks where we can picnic

It is if I want to go to further afield

Or to places unknown

It needs some thought and discussion I think

Thankfully we do have a large garden

That is perfect for picnics and adventures

And our new improved house

Will be a wonderful place to spend the summer

Maybe for a little while we will have to ask people to come and visit us

And we will need to make the most of the weekends

When Daddy will be around more to help

With this being our fifth baby

People might assume that it is just going to be easy

But I think the first days, weeks and months

Could be really hard

I need to really try with this little Rainbow

To get her into a safe sleeping routine

That is not always in my arms

I need to be able to make my older children lunch

And play with them

Educate them

Everything I am doing now and more will need to be done

And I really need to get my head around managing that

But I know that it will all be worth it

I know that we are all going to love this baby so very much

And I know that I am so excited and proud

To be growing our tribe

It is really not very long now

Until we will get to meet our baby girl

And all being well bring her home

And help her grow

As one of us

The last piece of our puzzle

The final part of our circle

Our family will be complete