36 Weeks Pregnant: Emotional Wobble

I am feeling very pregnant at the moment

Which is of course understandable as I am counting down now

To term at 37 weeks on Tuesday

It has been a tough few weeks here

Investigated by social services

No preschool or classes to go to

Pretty much housebound as we have had no car anyway

And continue to have no car

Feeling like a burden on everyone

Because of having no car

And realising that though four children

Here with us

Has always been the dream

It is going to be really hard work

And I think I am going to be very lonely

I am feeling incredibly lonely today

I know it is to do with the turmoil of pregnancy hormones

But also just a fact of life

My parents live in Spain

My sister lives in Derbyshire

I have one real life friend that I feel I can count on

And my husband

Getting out and about with no car is impossible from where we live

And now heavily pregnant and soon with a new baby

I don’t think I am going to feel like straying too far from home

Going anywhere for any length of time with four small children

Just me

Is going to be a logistical nightmare

At least to begin with until I get used to it

But I know that we cannot stay home all the time

That is not good for any of us

So I need to start formulating plans

And training Esther and William to be my helpers

Which to be fair they will love

But still today I am feeling a little overwhelmed

And a lot panicked

And I am wondering if we are crazy to have another baby

Really I just need someone to wrap their arms around me

Tell me they understand

That there will be tough days

But mostly I am going to be just fine

That I can do this

That I am a good mother

And come what may I will make this work

My life is such a complicated mess of emotion

I really think people have given up even trying to comprehend

Which brings me right back to loneliness

And wobbles

And trying to make a plan

So that I can convince myself that we are doing the right thing

And that we will be okay

I know that the next few weeks are going to be hard

I am incredibly pregnant

I am nervous about birth

I want our daughter here so much

But I know that there are many obstacles to navigate

And potential dangers to cross before we get to hold her and bring her home

It is also two weeks now til Tilda’s birthday

Our beautiful angel Matilda Mae should be five this year

And five years ago I was exactly this pregnant with her

I know that baby’s first nine months will be hard

As baby follows Tilda’s path

Hopefully reaching a very different destination

Hopefully being a baby who will stay with us

Grow up and old with us

Be the fourth child here with us

Complete our family

Be part of the dream

Our dream

What a tangled web of emotions pregnancy weaves

Hormones have a lot to answer for

They really truly do

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4 thoughts on “36 Weeks Pregnant: Emotional Wobble

  1. Sending you a hug across cyberspace, Jennie. I remember wobbling like this when expecting no.1 baby with nothing else to juggle. It is impossible at this stage to think past the birth… but you will come on the other side and make the best of everything, like you always manage to do. Have faith in yourself… everyone out here has faith in you, Jennie. I can tell by the lovely comments that are posted. Rosie x (P.S. don’t forget to enjoy your time with your sister…)

  2. I have no family living nearby either and that can be a struggle with only one child at times so I can only imagine how tricky it must be with three and soon four!

    I’m sure you will be okay though. I’ve followed your blog long enough to know that you are a good mum and that your children are happy, well cared for little people.

    Good luck with the next few weeks!

  3. Jennie – a huge hug. Some days WILL be tougher than others but you WILL be ok. Any day when your children on earth have all been fed and all of your children everywhere have been loved is a success in my book, no matter what else happens.

    Ps – my daughter was born at 36+3. That was a surprise! Xx

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