This time of year is a bit funny for me.

This time two years ago I should have been starting my third trimester of pregnancy with twins.

Instead I was trying to recover from major abdominal surgery whilst spending every waking moment watching two tiny babies, each fighting on alone in their steamy plastic incubators.

My babies had been born too soon.

So now Esther and William are two but they shouldn’t really be two until October.

This time in 2010 they should not really have been born but they were.
Giving birth at 27 weeks is frightening.

No one can tell you whether your babies will live or die.

No one can make any guarantees or promises.

No one really knows what to say.

The journey through NICU is a terrifying one.

It is something that you never forget.

Particularly when you know that you are the reason your precious babies are there.

It is an alien introduction to motherhood.

Not able to touch your own child.

Having twins in NICU is hard work

Which baby should I sit with, sing to, look at?

There is a soundtrack to life in NICU

Beeps and buzzers and whispered tones

Doctors conferring, nurses deliberating, parents praying

It is always hot in NICU

The days and nights there are physically exhausting

Mentally and emotionally draining

Lonely though you’re never alone

It was weeks before I was alone with my babies

A precious moment I will never forget

Our journey through NICU was the longest time

Yet the tiniest fraction of our lives together

59 days

7 weeks of moving ever closer to the door

So many mornings not knowing what we would find at the hospital

Good days and bad days

Steps forward and back

Needles and long lines

Tests and transfusions

Tears and frustrations

Fear and guilt

Love and gritted determination

So many nights

Sleepless

Expressing milk for tiny babies in somebody else’s care

Longing for cuddles with empty arms

Yearning for kisses with bursting heart

So much love

Waiting

Wanting to bring our babies home

This is a funny time of year

Reliving our journey

The highs and the lows

Wondering how it might affect our beautiful children as they grow

Wondering how to tell them

Why this time is a funny time

A funny time of year

At last we are counting down to our summer holiday.

Every year we go away with our extended Henley family for one week. This year we are going to a new house in Devon. There will be 18 of us, 7 of whom are under the age of 6.

Before we go though we have a week of preparation and packing. There is so much to take now that we are a family of five!

Because our week is an exciting one I wanted our food to be simple to make and enjoy.

This is what we will be eating in the week ahead.

Saturday
Mussels in a white wine and garlic sauce with crusty bread

Sunday
Cod wrapped in parma ham with brown rice, corn and hollandaise sauce

Monday
Fish goujons, spicy potato wedges and corn

Tuesday
Traditional picnic tea with visiting uncle and aunties to include pork pies, savoury eggs and sausage rolls. And Jelly Babies!!

Wednesday
Spaghetti Olio

Thursday
Pizza and salad (eat with babies as busy night packing for our departure tomorrow early doors!!!)

Yum Yum!

David and I met in May 2007. Ours was a whirlwind romance. We knew from very early on that we would be together forever.

In July 2007 we had our first conversation about children, about starting a family together.

We thought it would be easy. Little did we know how rocky our journey would be.

At the end of 2008 we were told that we would need IVF to have any chance of having children of our own.

In 2009 we had four cycles of IVF. Every one of them unsuccessful.

In January 2010 we started cycle number five. In February 2010 we had two tiny embryos implanted. We waited.

In March 2010 we discovered that we were pregnant … with twins!

Our beautiful son and daughter were due to be born in October 2010.

We were due to get married in August 2010!

We moved the wedding to September 2011 and thank goodness that we did.

On 10th July 2010 I was rushed to hospital where doctors and nurses battled to save three lives.

Thank goodness that they did.

On 24th July 2010, Esther and William were born. 13 weeks too soon.

If we had got married on our original date it would have been with our tiny little babies fighting for their lives again in NICU.

On the 20th September 2010 we brought our babies home.

We battened down our hatches for the winter and protected our premature babes from infection and disease, wind and rain and snow.

In July 2011 Esther and William were one. We drank champagne to celebrate the wonder of them. Look what love had done!

That day, one year after Esther and William were prematurely born, I had a period.

28 days later I did not!

I was pregnant with our natural miracle, our beautiful Matilda Mae.

It was just two weeks before our wedding day.

Having postponed one wedding for pregnancy we could not do the same again.

Nor did we need to.

The week of the wedding we had an early scan.

The scan showed a baby but we could not see a heartbeat.

There was no further scan until after the wedding.

I could not bear the not knowing. I had to know on our wedding day that our baby was alive.

We booked a private scan.

There was our glimmer of hope. A flicker of love. A teeny tiny beating heart.

Matilda Mae was born.

On September 10th 2011 we were married. I became a wife and nobody knew our beautiful secret.

That all our children were with us, in one way or another, on the day that we were wed.

The day that we knew we would be a family of five!

The day that was our wedding day.

The day we had our wonderful secret!

Just look what love has done!

The Day That … We Had A Wonderful Secret!