http://nairnnicujournal.wordpress.com/2010/08/10/hello-world/

The link above will take you to my actual first post – Labour Day – but I have blogged about that recently so instead I want to take a look back at my second post, Blue Monday.

http://nairnnicujournal.wordpress.com/2010/08/10/blue-monday/

This was the day after the twins were born.  David and I had been home to sleep the night but had been up every couple of hours trying to hand express colostrum which we collected in syringes for our precious new babies.

When we arrived on the NICU both babies were bathed in blue light, they were undergoing phototherapy for jaundice.  We had not been expecting this, we did not know what it was, what it meant.  So many questions needed asking and answering.

For David and I it broke the adrenalin rush that had got us through the last few hours and we cried the tears we so badly needed to cry.  We did not understand what was happening or why it was happening to us.  What had we done to deserve our babies being in so much trouble?  Why were they struggling?  Was it our fault?  We did not know what we should be doing for the best, we just wanted someone to tell us what to do.

Standing by an incubator, staring at two babies you yearn to hold but cannot, that you are destined to protect yet cannot is heartbreaking and that raw emotion is still with me now when I think of those horrible first few hours, days and weeks.  You get on because you have to, your priority is the babies that we we now finally have in our arms but I do wonder what lasting damage that time has had for us, as individuals, as a couple, a a family.

I wish that in my first post I had conveyed more of the emotion that we felt at that time and I wish I had posted a photo of how our miracle babies appeared to us that day, bathed in the blue x

Welcome to the world Esther and William.  Youa re our world and we will love you both for always x