Below in quotations is the beginning of a post that I started writing on Tuesday night. Today is Thursday and I will finish it the best I can.
The first thing that I have to say is that I am totally in love with our new daughter. For much of her time with us so far she has been a dream to look after but now she is more awake and making her place in the family known.
Matilda Mae likes to have Mummy’s full time attention and as David is now back at work this is something that just cannot be done.
Today has been a particularly bad day or at least it felt that way at times but now looking back on it I know that it could have been so much worse.
Yesterday was a great day. I felt elated and in control. Today I felt I fumbled my way through the day and I had a lot of support from David.
I would like to tell you about our days and would welcome any comments, advice or thoughts.
When I say that David is back to work, I must ensure you realise that he works from home and so he is mostly here if I need him. But I have to try and not rely on that fact because he needs the time to work, especially as we are about to buy a house!
But anyway …
On Monday we woke up at the same time as Esther and William. David took them downstairs to get ready for breakfast whilst I fed Matilda and got her dressed. I also got myself dressed before going down for breakfast with David and the twins.
I then got the bags packed for the day ahead while David dressed Esther and William. David then went for his shower whilst I made towers with Esther and William and did some singing.
Matilda was asleep. I stupidly changed her nappy just as we left the house for our Monday morning music class which meant that she was awake and screaming as we went to the car.
David helped me get everyone to the car and then off we went.
I hate the sound of Matilda crying. It breaks my heart, shreds my nerves and makes my breasts feel like they may burst. Trying to drive with her crying was horrible. I completely forgot where we were going and sped off in completely the wrong direction. Thankfully I noticed before we had gone too far and adjusted our route accordingly.
As Matilda stopped crying Esther and William started their song requests. I am now a master of one handed Wind the Bobbin’ Up whilst driving the car!
When we arrived at our class there was a parking space available right by the door so it was easy to get Esther and William to walk into class whilst I carried Matilda in her carseat.
She slept peacefully through most of the class and after a breastfeed to the tune of ‘Six Little Ducks’ she slept peacefully all the way home. Esther and William loved their class and I am so glad that we made the effort to go. The fact that it went so smoothly will hopefully mean that I will have the confidence to take them all again next week.
We made it home without incident. Had some ‘hot toast’ and then Esther and William went to sleep leaving me time to feed myself and Matilda and enjoy a new baby snuggle.
When Esther and William got up again we had some lunch and read stories. We built more towers, did some shape sorting and stacking and sang lots of songs.
Matilda was finding it hard to get any sleep and so David wore her in a Hug a Bub for a couple of hours while he worked allowing her to sleep and me to remember how much I adore being with Esther and William.
I think having two weeks where my main focus was Matilda led me to forgetting how much fun I have with Esther and William and how much I love being with them. I was too full of fear of how I would cope with Matilda and them all together. I have no confidence in my own ability as a mother and always think the worst of a situation. Really I should be confident and say to myself that I can do this. Because of course I can. People do. And if others do then why can’t I?
Monday was a success. I felt empowered as a Mummy of three.
Monday night did not go well. Matilda fed every 90 minutes all night. It was also incredibly hot. Matilda and I woke up a sweaty, milky mess on Tuesday morning. So as is our routine David took Esther and William down to get ready for breakfast. I joined them for a quick bowl of Cheerios before showering myself and bathing Matilda Mae.
It is now Thursday lunch time and I could not finish this post as I cannot remember what happened on Tuesday but I know that it was not that bad a day and I also know that the reason I was struggling is that both Matilda and I were coming down with a stomach bug.
I was up all of Tuesday night being sick and suffering from stomach cramps and I lost all of Wednesday in a fever. I literally could not get out of bed. David was wonderful as always and had Esther and William so all I had to do was feed Matilda, often while simultaneously being sick. Yuck!
David has taken today off work too as I am still feeling weak and nauseous mostly because I cannot bring myself to eat anything though I have now eaten a handful of salty crisps.
Matilda has not been sick but yesterday she was very sleepy with awful nappies that continued all through last night. Today she is the opposite and is really restless and seems unable to settle even on me.
I was worried that my milk supply may have been affected but I don’t think so as when she is not feeding fully I am still leaking milk.
I think that a sickness and fever on top of breastfeeding just three weeks post partum has really knocked my recovey from the birth, mentally and emotionally as well as physically.
It does mean that Esther and William have had a few extra days with Daddy which they have loved. I feel like I have not been a proper Mummy to them for weeks now. That is not a good feeling to have.
On a positive note it would seem that David and I have bought ourselves a house so that is something to look forward to as we are in desperate need of more space. It also means that we can start looking for a pre school for Esther and William ready for September. They seem to have grown up so much in the last few weeks and are more than ready for some time away from Mummy and with other children. This will also ensure that Matilda gets the time that she needs.
So not the best beginning what with jaundice and cracked nipples, then one by one each member of our family of five being struck down with the dreaded bug, but now we have something to look forward to and the sun is shining so hopefully our road will be smoother from here on in.
And even on the worst of days I just have to look at our beautiful children and know that they are worth all of this and more.
Even though I seem to have had a run of bad luck I think that I am actually the luckiest mummy alive!