I think I have to start seriously exploring the possibility that I may have postnatal depression of some kind.
Some days I hate myself so much.
They are coming more and more often.
Without warning.
The days I hate being me.
Today has been one of those days.
Everything has just felt so hard.
All three children are currently refusing to sleep so I feel like I am never getting a break and spending a lot of time and effort trying to force children go to sleep. It is exhausting.
All three children have colds and so the day is a constant round of nose wiping. Nose after nose after nose!
I know exactly the kind of Mummy and wife I want to be but I cannot find her any where. I plan wonderful days and adventures, activities that never unfold.
Every day I wake up determined that this day will be a new start and every day that I find myself alone with the children I find myself hating myself and the mummy I am a little bit more.
Most days I am fine. If we are out at a group or class I am fine. I more than hold it together I am an immensely proud mummy of three beautiful children.
If we have visitors here it is fine. Wednesdays and Fridays are my favourite days of the week as I am guaranteed some company and some help.
But as soon as we are home alone, behind closed doors, I seem to morph into this horrible raised voiced mother that I hate to be. I end up crying tears of frustration that I cannot seem to make it calmly through a day on my own.
I am scared that my children will hate me.
When Esther and William are naughty, I know what I should say, I know exactly what I should do to help them learn from the situation but before I can act in the way I know is right, I hear myself screeching at them and saying things to them that I swore I never would.
It is really starting to get me down.
I have so many ideas of things I would like to do with them but cannot make them a reality. I just do not have enough arms.
Matilda likes to be held. She deserves to have her cuddles but at the same time I want to get mucky and messy with Esther and William. And I just can’t!
Often Esther and William want to be carried and cuddled whilst I am holding Matilda and sometimes I just physically can’t.
When we go out I wear Matilda but I try not to at home as she is getting to be a big girl and my back often hurts. Also I think she needs to be out of a carrier more often than in one as she grows.
A lot of the problem I think is there is no one that understands. David, my husband, has never found anything hard in his life and cannot begin to understand why I am struggling. And even he has never dealt with all three of them on his own for longer than an hour. He has never had to try and feed Matilda, play with William and stop Esther from being naughty all at the same time. He has never driven a car on his own with one of them escaping out of their car seat, another demanding food and the third screaming because she hates being in her car seat. I do not know anyone I can talk to who does what I am trying so desperately hard to do.
It is a lonely lonely job and sometimes I just long for a cuddle from someone who understands.
Someone to say that it has happened to them and there is light at the end of the tunnel. Someone to tell me what to do when they all need me to do different things all at once?
Instead I have well meaning people telling me what a good mum I am when I know that really I am not.
I’m just not.
My toddlers don’t listen to me and my baby doesn’t get to hear me enough. I feel like I am not meeting anyone’s needs and I cannot even rememvber what my own needs are.
Writing my blog helps when I am feeling low which is why I am thinking that counselling could be a way forward for me. I think the time has come to talk to someone proper?
There is so much I do not make public on the blog that I am sure it would help to talk about.
My life has always been a complicated one. There is lots that I choose not to make public on this blog that it might just help to talk about.
I met David in May 2007 and so much has happened in a very short space of time. My feet have not touched the ground.
Meeting David, parents moving to Spain, sister moving to Australia, IVF, failed IVF, twin pregnancy, major abdominal surgery while pregnant, premature birth, NICU, parenting premature twins, surprise singleton pregnancy, wedding, new baby, three children under two, moving house with three children under two.
I have never had chance to stop and think, let alone to talk.
I still don’t really have any time but I think I need to talk.
Have you had counselling? Did it help you?
I feel very much the same way lately. I find motherhood extremely hard, and can’t imagine what it would be like to have three children under 2. I have 2 under 3 and some days I feel like walking away and never coming back. On a bad day I actually dread spending time with them, and hate myself for it.
I think we both need some counselling, It can only help!
Thank you for sharing. It does help to know that I am not totally alone in how I feel. I have that feeling of dread too and it is awful. Just adds even more to the guilt x
I find mantras going round in my head to keep me going. My oldest has actually picked up on one – ‘you can do it mummy’. But it is soooooo hard, and I only have 3 under 4. I really really understand. I alternate between being zombie mummy because otherwise I will lose it and, well, basically losing it. The way I survive is making sure I manage to get as much not just me time as possible. I am lucky in that I have a couple of great friends who live near me and I will hang out, even if just for an hour, to break up the day. If you have friends, they won’t mind if you ask them for some help. And if you don’t know that many people near you then I would keep going to groups etc because you might meet a soul mate with eg one very easy child who can come and hang out and give you a hand. That is how I do it. Oh and lots of coffee too. And get that husband doing a bit more too. The odd hour could surely be extended couldn’t it? And go and see doc. Can’t do any harm. Good good luck xxx
Thank you. My husband does loads. He works from home so is here most of the time. But trying to work to earn money for us all. It is my fault that I do not get time away as I have stubbornly refused to give baby a bottle just as I did with the twins and so I cannot be gone for more than an hour or so. Perhaps that is where I need to start? Giving Baby a bottle. That would also mean hubby and me would get some time together. Something I think we both really need. It is all so hard! Thank you for your comment. Love your mantras!! x x x
Hi,
I haven’t had counselling so I’m sorry I can’t answer your question but after reading your post I just wanted to send you a big (all be it virtual) hug. I certainly couldn’t leave without posting a comment. I’m useless at these kinds of things, I never know the right thing to say.
I was never diagnosed with PND but at times I did reach breaking point. I remember one morning when I’d spent yet another night awake breastfeeding the twins I refused to look at them let alone hold them. I will never forget how in tears I begged my husband not to wake them and not to leave me alone with them. He took the day off work.
I hope you can find someone you can talk to. I believe we both know of a women that has ID twins and a younger toddler. Do you know who I mean?Would talking to her help?
Can you message me who you mean? Thank you x x x
HI there,
Yep I know how you feel. My family live in the south of France. I had 21 months between my children and although it works now it was hard then. One day I was trying to breastfeed, clean up poo from potty training a toddler, sign for a parcel and answer the phone. I also run my own business. Even now the way I describe things is that I am a plate spinner – I have all these roles to fulfil and i have to keep all those plates spinning, sometimes they crash, so you just have to start again.
At the time I had a very unsupportive husband who I subsequently divorced (not suggesting that by the way!) it took me a long time to get there but it was no more lonely as I was on my own anyway.
It does get better, life does get easier. What I would say is that whilst the days may seem long and slow time passes very fast – as of this September mine are both in full time school and I am wondering how that happened, how we got there that fast.
For me, 18 months – 3 years was the hardest with both of them. I think you don’t realise how easy babies are until you have a toddler … keep smiling and enjoy your children xx
Even on my darkest days they do make me smile x x x
I only have one singleton, a (very) surprise daughter born prematurely when I was barely months out of university and into my first “grown up” job, with partner long gone. I had counselling and I truly believe without it that my mental state would be dire and I would have cracked a long, long time ago. I was very lucky and was referred whilst in NICU although didn’t start regular sessions for around 8 months. When I didn it was a lifeline-someone caring and non-judgemental, who cared about me, who could help think of practial solutions without the emotional attachment, someone to remind me that it was really important to feel comfortable in myself even if I never got time for a haircut etc! I know you don’t believe you are a good mum, but I am sure you really are, you are just viewing things very negatively. You might not be the mum you thought you’d be, but that doesn’t equate to be being bad. Toddlers are all trying it seems. Every mum I know shouts, looses their rag, gives into bribery at some point….these years are tough and that is just with one! I would really try counselling. If it doesn’t suit you, you can always leave xxx
Thank you. I think I might actually enjoy seeing someone and having that time just for me. Would they ask questions. I think I would need to be questioned or I would not know where to start!
I think they often take your lead. I also needed questions; if I didn’t get questions, my counsellor would go through things chronologically and if there was one thing that seemed to override that, we focused on that. I found once you start talking (crying?!) it is really hard to shut up!
Thank you x I have a number for a lady and I think that I am going to give her a call x
You are not alone and most of us feel like this most of the time. You are a good mum no matter what you think but as a teacher you have set incredibly high expectations for yourself. I know this because I am the same. The Boy must have stimulation and a range of activities because that’s what my teacher head is saying. In reality I don’t have time to be a Blue Peter mum even 30% of the time.
You sound tired chick. Big hug.
Thank you x x x
Pingback: Autumn Exploration One: Our Garden | Edspire
I think everyone above has hit the nail on the head, you are not a bad mother, you’re a normal mother! Believe me, I’ve been there with every single description you give. I’ve not got the same family make up, but have had many challenges with motherhood. I think the best thing you could have done is what you’ve done already. You’ve opened up, accepted you’re struggling and need some help. I held it in for over two years and made matters much much worse. I’d give you two things to action:
1) tomorrow morning ring either your GP or health visitor and get an appointment. Go on your own and make sure you’re totally honest. (I went pretending it was about IBS problems & ended up breaking down on the GP when he asked what was causing the ibs)
2) stop putting pressure on yourself to be the perfect mother & wife and stretching towards this unattainable goal. All any parent can ever do is our best & every day that best is different. Give yourself a break.
Hope this has helped. Best wishes with it all. Xx
Thank you. I think I just needed to hear that. It is okay to just go and talk to someone. People have before and people will after and it is okay. My trouble is I wait and then I feel okay and I do nothing, then I have another bad day. I should just get on and see what can be done. I love my children so much and I want to enjoy being their mummy x
Your comments about yourself ring so true with how I felt after my twins were born. We had fertility treatment after nearly 4yrs of trying and I had counselling to help me come to terms with that. It helped. It helped a great deal and made me find the courage to take treatment that could ultimately fail. It didn’t fail. First round of IUI worked and I gave birth to twins. Perfect. But it wasn’t. I tried to be supermum. The twins were tiny at 36 weeks born. They fed constantly. My milk took ages to come in yet no-one listened to me in hospital that my babies were suckling and falling asleep out of exhaustion not through being full. I did the nightfeeds, breastfeeding until 3 weeks when I finally broke down with sheer tiredness & feelings of failure. A trip to the doctors at 10 weeks post-natal and I walked away with mild medication to address my PND. I wanted these babies for ages, I wasn’t about to miss out on my time with them through depression. I am well now, I was well after a couple of weeks once the medication took affect. I enjoyed my babies, I looked forward to the future, I didn’t cry at everything and I no longer felt a failure.
I would urge you to just take the step of going to a sympathetic doctor. An appointment about you, to help you and let you be the mum you want to be and can be. Be it medication or some counselling – sharing and recognising your feelings will help. You owe yourself that and I wish you all the best x
Thank you so much. Thank you x
I’ve not had counselling for pnd but for other things, like bereavement, in the past, and it does help. It gives you some head space and with three little kids you need that but it is so hard to find. I have a 6 yo and 9 mth twins so I do empathise with you. We joke that we could loan the 6yo to inflict mental torture as some of her behaviour and attitude are so extreme! At the beginning of the school summer holidays I felt so apprehensive about how I was going to manage. And then guilty and cross with myself that I should feel that way about looking after my three much wanted children. There were days when I shouted and had to walk into the garden in tears of frustration with my eldest. And then the guilt and self loathing at not being the kind of calm, loving mother I thought I should be. BUT we all survived and suddenly it feels a lot easier. So my point is, this will pass. Try to be kind to yourself and hold on to that. Like you I felt I should be doing all these amazing things with my eldest but I realised I couldn’t due to the babies and then i noticed that she was perfectly happy if we just pottered around the corner to the park. My other mantra, as a twin mum, is ‘aim low’. This has carried me through a lot. You are the best mother to your children and each day is a new day. Go and talk to someone, give yourself some time out. For you. And for your family. And don’t beat yourself up about the decisions you make. (As a quick aside I also bf my twins and at times have blamed that for my daughters meltdowns but in my heart i know its not that and now the bf is so easy and quick for the babies at 9 mths I’m v glad I carried on.) Take care x
Talking to someone would help put a lot of your concerns, pressures and fears into perspective. I tried a life coach and the invaluable advice thy gave me helped me see my situation from other angles and consequently deal with them in a different way to get different results.
I am sure you are a good mum, but there’s no such thing as a perfect mum and managing your expectations of what is realistically achievable day by day is key here. Especially with 3 under 2. You can not do what a parent of a single child or even twins can do. Fact. You can not be all things to everyone, it’s impossible to keep up a rota of Mary Poppins style activities. I often read your blog as inspiration of things to do occassionally but are baffled as to why you do so much, or try to which must put a terrible strain on you and your limited time and resources.
Try to just go with he flow more. Put baby down more, let her cry a bit, let the other two roam and explore and leave to their own devices from time to time, providing they arent in danger or hurting each other. You would be surprised how children can occupy themselves. And put cbeebies on in the background, put your feet up and let your children see you relaxed curled up on the sofa reading a magazine. That is just as important as structured play time.
If the kids won’t nap, that’s there problem. Ignore their whines of exhaustion, they will do what they want to do regardless and you fighting it won’t change anything. It is what it is. Give them a blanket, pop them on the sofa, tv on and tell them it’s quiet time.
It will all come right and the time will pass all too quickly. Don’t compare your situation to others, it’s like comparing tomatoes and apples.
Good luck and just muddle through like the rest of us.
I know how lonely being a mum can be, My hubby has started working 12 hours days so thats a long loney day with me and Thomas, also he has started taking the car to work so we are pretty stuck inside which is going to be horrible when the weather changes again 🙁
So if your ever feeling loney you can email me for a chat if you want because chances are i’m pretty lonely too 🙂
I don’t think men understand how tough being a mum and staying at home with babies all day is I know my husband doesn’t and sometimes he struggles with Thomas for a hour on his own!
Being a mummy is tougher than I thought it would be and I only have one. I’m sure you are doing a great job. But if you do feel the need to speak to a professional could you speak to your health visitor to see if they could recommend anybody?
Oh lovely! I was diagnosed with PND last august when my son was 5 months, and I can relate to everything you have written here. I still have it, but I think now it’s just D – we’ve had a shocking year.
This line especially: “It is a lonely lonely job and sometimes I just long for a cuddle from someone who understands” YES YES!
I never got counselling, but I did get put on the happy pills, and for the most part they have done their job. I still get days where I feel so low I can barely get out of bed, but the meds have given me more clarity to get through it. Is this something you’d consider? xxxx
I suffered with PND with both my boys and fooled myself and everyone around me for over a year until things got really serious. Admitting you have an issue is the first step forward.
Also the weather has changed and I found this really affected the way I dealt with things. You have three young children, you are the best mother they could ever need, but you also need to look after yourself.
Oh jennie! More than anything I wish j was closer to you so I could give you a massive hug! I completely understand how you feel sometimes and I think I could’ve written this post myself. On a practical level, having Eva at school and luka in nursery 2 days a week really helps with the ‘work load’. Emotionally, yes it is hard. I saw a counsellor for the first time this week and I know it will be a long journey. With all you’ve been through? Asking for help is the first step, getting it is the next one. Huge hugs lovely xx
Anyone in your situation would struggle. None of us are perfect. Be kind to yourself. Maybe get husband to take older two put for the day at the weekend? Give you some space to find some balance. Meet a friend for an hour or two in the evening? Or swim, yoga? Something for you.
I’m glad you wrote the post – but am sorry your feeling this way. Please do reach out for counseling. As Mums we’re used to multitasking and tackling everything, holding house, family, relationships and ourselves together. But when you’re not feeling great it makes all of those things harder and has a carry-on effect.
I’ve gone to counseling, and fairly recently too. It’s not something I’ve done before, but I was having trouble coping with things – and I went partially to learn how to deal with certain issues I found troubling, but mainly to learn better coping skills with how to manage (and of course to be told I wasn’t crazy and wasn’t alone).
They do ask you questions, and help you perhaps see or process things in a different way.
It’s definitely worth going – even if it’s just to talk to an someone with a new perspective. I think you’ll feel better for it. As a Mum, if you’re not taking care of yourself, how can you best take care of others?
Massive hugs to you for feeling this way, if I am totally honest with myself I feel like this a lot of the time too. My advice would be talk talk talk, either through your blog or to anyone you feel would be happy to listen. Getting it out in the open is a start, and then people will offer suggestions to help
xx
Having just the one toddler, I have no experience of what (I can only assume) is the hard job of raising three little ones so close together. But even with just the one, there are days when I struggle too. I work, so I’m not at home with her all day, but I know there would be many days when I would struggle even more if I was. The thing I’d say is that it’s bloody tough being a parent. And even those who look like it’s all roses all the time probably have bad days and struggle behind closed doors too. There’s no such thing as a perfect mum – and you’re certainly not a bad mum for admitting that you’re struggling. I think many of us have overly high, unrealistic expectations of what it is to be a “good” parent these days. That said, if you’re finding it really tough and you want to talk about it, maybe just some time out with friends or with your other half – away from the kids – would be beneficial. We ALL need a break sometimes. You’re certainly not a rubbish mum for admitting that you’re finding it difficult. Massive hugs to you. Tomorrow is a new day. xxx
I understand. I have three small children and I can totally relate to everything you are saying. I want to be the mum in the pictures with three happy, puddle jumping children who smiles and laughs with them.
However I have mental health problems and beside that it is damn hard work raising three little ones. It’s mentally draining and would try the patience of a saint, please don’t think your alone as I am shouty mum fairly regularly (check my blog for evidence!).
Remember you are trying your best and try not to be so hard on yourself, those times (at groups, with friends) still count even if you shouted later in the day.
I am struggling at the moment too. Freddy is nursery phobic and so high maintenance I’m starting to feel like I’m failing him. I often hate the way I am dealing with things. My husband is always very calm and philosophical and while I sob about being a terrible mother, he tells me that if I really WAS a terrible mother I wouldn’t be crying about it. I wouldn’t care. The fact that I feel so bad about things at the moment proves that I am a good mum who is simply struggling to cope right now. Don’t be too hard on yourself and get the support you need. You are coping with three little ones…that is an amazing feat in itself. Hugs xxx
oh Jenny, what you are is normal, for sure…we all feel like this much of the time but the difference is we often don’t let anyone know, we just put on a front & face the world….which isn’t always best. It sounds to me as though you just need a break from time to time, even just an hour or 2 to yourself a couple of times a week…not easy I know when you don’t have family around. Don’t beat yourself up if you don’t manage to get out to groups etc, sometimes it’s ok to just stay in your pj’s all day & watch tv whilst the kids run around making a mess. You are doing a great job you really are xx
From what I have seen, you put way too much pressure on yourself to be the perfect mother and then quick to beat yourself up when you don’t live up to your own idea of perfection. You have to be realistic – there are going to be times when it’s all going wrong.
As has been pointed out, don’t try to be superwoman. Kids will learn to amuse themselves. The baby won’t hurt herself crying.
I don’t know if you have PND. If you want to self-diagnose, try doing this test. http://www.testandcalc.com/etc/tests/edin.asp
My HV got me to do it shortly after I had my second, but not the first. I think they should do it with all new mothers. It’s shocking they don’t as it’s so simple.
If it comes out it thinks you are depressed, go to your doctor. He will prescribe something to make you better and THERE IS NO SHAME IN THAT. I have to say that because people feel they have failed when the problem is that they are ill, just as if you had an infection and the doc gives you antibiotics.
Even if you are not, you probably need a rethink. I know you said OH is great but try to make some time each week when you don’t have to do anything with the children or for them. Let hubby take over and go somewhere, or stay home and get him to take the kids out. Do something for you, whether it’s a haircut, beauty treatment, clothes shopping or just going for a coffee and a good book. Seriously, breathing space away from your kids for a short time each week really can make the hard times easier to deal with. It makes you a better mother, I believe. But that’s because it’s how I coped when mine were little.
Hey lovely lady – there’s no shame in admitting you don’t feel right – I have had depression, PND, and more depression.. due to a number of factors – having a baby is a huge shift and you’ve got 3! You’re amazing (even if you don’t feel like you are)
I’m lucky in that by the time I had PND I knew the symptoms… counselling can help it’s not the be all and end all – it might be that you just need a break.. I have been on and off pills for years and am now on them permanently because I can’t seem to produce enough serotonin to keep me level – I see it just like I am on thyroxine for my underactive thyroid… don’t be scared of helping yourself feel better – like taking a paracetomol for a headache… try counselling, try reflexology – try anything that makes you feel better – just make sure you don’t beat yourself up for feeling blue – so many people go through it – just not that many people admit to it and that is the first step to getting better… and the only way will be up – big hugs xx