This time last week I was about to find her.
I was about to go to bed, take her in my arms and give her the usual sleepy feed that would see her through til the early hours with a warm, full tummy.
None of this could be.
Matilda was dead.
I went into a hysterical screamy shouty form of shock.
I called for my husband who tried to save her, he truly believed he could. He hoped he could. He tried to.
I think in my heart I knew that we were already too late.
Our lively lovely little girl was gone.
A limp empty body lay in her place.
The night was cold and long.
I tried to ride with Matilda to the hospital. I got into the ambulance but it was too much. She did not look like my little girl.
Her eyes were all funny and the medics had not been able to close them.
I could not stay with her. I know that I should have.
We rode in the police car.
We saw her again in the hospital. I tried to say I was sorry but mostly I begged her to wake up.
I begged and begged for her to wake up but she did not.
She couldn’t.
She was dead.
She was gone.
To be an angel in the sky.
Sunday was a horrible day. The tears were uncontrollable.
Everything was about Matilda Mae.
We had to tell the world that she was gone.
Phone calls that no mother should make.
Finding words to describe the indescribable.
Family were with us all day.
David’s family flocked to our sides.
Parents, brothers, sister.
I felt protected as the Henley’s closed ranks around us.
I will always be grateful to them for that.
I have not thanked them enough.
My Dad flew to the UK from Spain as soon as he heard the news.
My best friend, and Godmother to our children, was desperate to be by my side.
Esther and William did not understand. We tried to tell them that their sister was gone but they could not know. They are only really babies themselves.
I was not a good mother to them that day.
I worry that I have not been a good mummy to them all week.
I love them so much and know that they need me. I need them just as much but I am also grieving for my little Matilda Mae.
The messages keep coming
Flowers too
Words of condolence, of comfort
Love is sent
Prayers are said
Strength is shared
People are constantly coming and going
Listening
Cuddling
Holding
Feeding
David’s Mum has taken charge and made sure we are fed and watered, washed and ready
I do not know how we would have gotten through the week without her
Her love and kindness, generosity and patience
She has rallied the very very willing troops around us
William has adored having his uncles around
Esther is quietly attaching herself to different family and friends
Our poor little girl seems broken
We are desperate to know how to fix her
The big sister with a heavy heart
The people around have been wonderful
Keen to help anyway that they can
Listening to me talk about Matilda
I want to talk and remember
I love to look at her photos
I seem to be coping by writing
My blog and on Facebook and Twitter
I am finding solace with my online friends
I have been overwhelmed by the love of people I have never met
Matilda Mae has touched so many lives and hearts
I hope that her story will help others
We are raising money for Bliss in her name
Throughout this week
This heartbreaking week
I have heard from thousands of people
Through the parent blogging community I have been offered so much love and support
The parent blogging community have pulled together and looked after me more than they know
Their words and pictures
Writing my beautiful daughter’s name in lego and beads, cars and marbles, smarties and pebbles, flowers
Together these parents have sent me such love and so many wonderful words
I know that they are grieving with us and thinking of us all the time
Toys have been sent for Esther and William, dollies to cuddle and puzzles to occupy their hands and their minds
Food has been sent for us all to enjoy
Today we ate our special foods from the parent bloggers
Granny made the food from the delivery arranged by Merry
She knew just what to send to feed a large family fiercely protecting and looking after their own
I have so many people I need to thank
For all they are trying to do
To light us through our darkest days
As we learn to live without our daughter
Without Matilda Mae
Sweet dreams matilda mae. xxx
What a beautiful piece of writing. keep writing if it helps. There are so many reading and wanting to help xxx
A beautiful post Jennie, RIP Matilda Mae. Thinking of you xx
I have followed your story the last week on Twitter and on your blog. My heart breaks for you and your family. Thinking of you at this difficult time. Hugs to you all xxx
I want to write words of love and support but I feel so utterly heart broken for you all. Sending you much love and thinking of you all xxx
Keep writing Jennie. People will always listen. Thinking of you every step of the way. I remember each of those steps. Just keep going.
**big hug**
a beautiful post jennie keep writing if it helps my thoughts and love are with you and your family much love to you all x
Your words make me cry yet still I love to read them. They are so raw and heart felt. I feel my sadness for you is somehow easing your pain, which of course it isn’t and can’t yet still I love to read and try to share. Love to you all x
Beautiful post, I’m glad you are finding some comfort in writing, it’s probably a good way of helping you to process your thoughts. Love to you all.
huge ((((hugs)))),
If writing is helping you, keep writing.
Families are wonderful when needed, and I am glad you have all pulled together and finding support in each other.
A wonderful post Jennie. As always you are all in my thoughts xxx
I am so very sorry for your loss. This is such a beautiful, heart-breaking post. You are all in my thoughts and Matilda Mae in my prayers x
I have tried to write so many times. I’ve tried to comment on your blog, your fb posts, reply to your tweets, even tried writing a blog post of my own, but no words seem right. I just can’t find the words to say. I crumble to tears every time i try! But I want you to know I am thinking of you so much. Trying to feel the pain that you are feeling, just so the words come to me. But I can’t. Matilda Mae has touched so many hearts and will continue to do so. I will do something to make sure I contribute to helping your beautiful princess live on through heartfelt words and pictures. Something will feel right. Sleep tight pretty angel. Twinkle brightly and never stop smiling that beautiful smile xxx
You have not left my thoughts all week Jennie, and each time I read your blog or your tweets my heart breaks a little more for you. Keep writing and hold your family tight.xxx
You have been in my thoughts all week Jennie. I was sat at an indoor play centre last week when I read your tweet about Matilda mae, I remember reading and re-reading it in horror.
I have no words of comfort for you, I imagine there are non at such a terrible, terrible time.
Keep writing, keep talking about your beautiful daughter and how you feel.
I’m sorry, I just don’t know what else to say to you. Except you and your wonderful family are always in my thoughts and prayers.
Much love.
Karen xxxx
Jennie, you are doing so well honey, there is no need to thank anyone, you continue taking the strength from everyone, they are there for you and your family. No words can express how to say we are thinking of you at this awful time. Your blogs are from the heart and beautiful and touch so many. This weekend I have made so special for Amelia and spent so much time doing lots of things with her, this is a thank you to you, you made me stop and think that nothing else in life is more important than our beautiful children. Keep going, we will all be here for you. Xx
I struggle with words. A piece of my heart has been out there, for you and your family, every day. Reading your words has changed a part of me, I’ll be a better person, kinder. I think about Matilda Mae all the time and I’ll be kinder still. Sweet dreams angel x
Much love xxx
Lost for words. Just please know that you’re all in our thoughts x
I couldn’t sleep last night – thinking of what you must be going through. We don’t know each other and yet your grief has broken every parents heart, hearing about it. Not sure I have the right words.
May you find the strength and sending you a tight hug.
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Jennie you write so beautifully even through your pain and sadness. I just want to let you know I am thinking of you constantly. You inspire me to be a better person. I think you are incredible, and I honestly mean that. x
Beautiful Matilda Mae is always in my thoughts Jennie, as are you. xxx
What is there to say. I’m so so sorry. She was a beautiful little girl and remains a beautiful soul. So glad you are writing and blogging as it’s so important to have an outlet, a space of your own to pour out what’s inside. Hugs and prayers for you all x
My prayers were entirely with you and Matilda Mae in church this morning.
I know nothing any of us can say anything that will make you feel better, but know we are all thinking of you and your family. I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter.
Be kind to yourself. Mourn the way you need to mourn – if writing helps, then be sure we will read what you write and cry with you. Thinking of you with love.
MY prayers and thoughts are with you all as you grieve the loss of your beautiful little angel Matilda-Mae. She is a few weeks younger than my own Son and I cannot begin to imagine how you must be feeling. Take strength from those around you and keep blogging. It is good to keep the memories and thoughts flowing. Love and hugs to you all and God bless Matlida-Mae, safe in his arms xxx
I’m so sorry for your loss of your beautiful daughter. I can’t begin to imagine the pain you all feel. I just wanted to say I was thinking of you all x
Jennie, nothing I can say will make you feel better but you are all in my thoughts everyday xxx
You are so brave. Incredibly sorry for your loss. You really are an inspiration. Try to stay strong. Sending big hugs to you all. X
Words cannot change anything but I’m glad you know that so many of us are thinking of you all at this time.
Hi there, I am a friend of Keira (Mamascarf) so I heard of your very sad news through her twitter feed. I just wanted to say how very sorry I am for your loss. You seem like such a fantastic mother who is devoted to her children and it seems so terribly cruel that someone who is doing such a fantastic job should have to suffer so much. My love goes out to you and your family. Keep up your amazing work. Xxx
All my thoughts from France and I wish I could help you.
I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. To be totally honest I cannot bring myself to read any of your blog beause I find it so upsetting (being a mother to a young little girl myself), but I hope that by writing it helps you and others in the same situation – I’m sure it will. Sending you kind thoughts. xx
What an absolutely beautiful and heartbreaking post. I hope, in time, that you and your family are able to heal. Sending lots of love and prayers to you!
From one mother to another Jennie, my heart is aching for you and your beautiful family. You write in such a truthful, honest and simply heart breaking way.
Read through these comments and know that ‘we’ are all supporting you, and here for you when ever you are compelled to write. Thinking of you lovely lady, more so then I have ever thought of anyone I haven’t had the pleasure of meeting, if only it was surrounded by different circumstances.
Matilda Mae is absolutely beautiful. Play with the angels my darling xxxxxxx
Keep writing and keep sharing – you are doing amazingly well, and everyone wants to support you xx
What beautiful writing. I love words and the way they can help. I hope it helps. I am a friend of Ruth Knowles one of your online blog friends. She shared your news and we sat and openly cried for your loss during a toddler group. We join you in your grief. I felt I should share that your angel will never be forgotten as she is touching the lives of people you do not even know. Massive love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I read this post the minute you published it and thought I’d commented on it, I’m sorry! It’s a heart-wrenching post, but do you know what? I think you’ll be pleased you wrote it. In the future when your memory is playing tricks on you and some elements have warped with time, you can look back and know you did everything you could.
It feels like yesterday that I read this. It feels like years ago since I last saw you but that was only yesterday! And I know that it hurts just as much today as it did then. But I also know that you are so proud of all that you have done in Matilda’s name since you wrote this. And we are all still here by your side
xxxxxxxxxx
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