My darling baby girl

I have spent a lot of time in your room today.

My favourite time is just as Esther and William go to sleep, when I should be feeding you.

The room is dark except for the lamp I lit a little when I found you.

No one is allowed to touch that light.

It will stay on until I am ready to be the one to turn it off.

When I am ready to go back to sleeping in our room instead of on the living room floor.

When I am ready to say goodbye.

I am finding that my coping mechanism is planning.

I am desperately trying to plan your funeral.

Would you like to hear what I have come up with so far?

Your goodbye will be in four parts.

A church funeral, your cremation, a gathering with a celebration for the children who knew you and sending your ashes to sea.

The church will be open to anyone and everyone who would like to come. And those that cannot make it in person will be invited to join us through the power of Twitter. I want people to see how far your smile has reached these past 9 months and especially the past few days.

You are wearing a beautiful suit from The Essential One. Your favourite bright pink suit with a purple Snoodie from Mama Designs. I am going to complement you with a purple dress and a pink scarf. I am going to look my best for you on that day.

Matilda Mae @ The Baby Show

We will ask everyone who attends to wear something purple or pink.

Daddy and I are going to carry you into the church. For me it will be like I am giving you back to God, now that you have earned your wings.

I know that it will be hard but it feels right. I carried you in my womb for 9 months and on my chest for 9 months. I will carry you to the end. I am your Mummy. It is what I am supposed to do.

We have chosen some music that we love from a very sad episode of our favourite TV programme The West Wing. It is a series that Daddy and I have watched every season of at least 7 times. The music is Hallelujah and while this plays there will be photos of you. I have been searching through my pictures and in every single one you smile. You were such a happy baby. I miss your beautiful smile.

There will only be one hymn to sing and that will be Make Me A Channel Of Your Peace. We sang this at our wedding when you were our special, miracle, secret bump. We were so happy you were on your way!

We will also be having the song Starlight by Muse. A song Daddy and I love that reflects our musical tastes and also makes us think of beautiful you.

There will also be a time for reflection in the church when your own special lullaby will be played. This was written especially for you my angel x Thank you Sarah x

At the crematorium when you are taken away then we are going to play Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, there was really no other song it could be. You are our little star, our star of the sea. However, you did ask me in a dream last night if this could be followed by Wheels On The Bus. I think even now you are longing to make us all giggle and smile. I hope we can do that for you. You did love a bit of Wheels on the Bus, just as Esther and William do now. We miss you Missy Matilda Mae x

The crematorium has more of an order of things now. We are going to ask Michele to talk on behalf of our friends, Uncle Martin to talk on behalf of our families, then Daddy will talk for our little gang before I read you your final bedtime story and we all say our final goodbyes. I am going to read you ‘No Matter What’ then will make sure I read it to Esther and William every day. We love you Matilda Mae x

We are going to keep your ashes until your first birthday when we will be on holiday in Cornwall and then we will go to the beach and cast them out to sea. You are our star of the sea Matilda Mae. We love you so!!!

We are asking people to donate to Bliss in a special fund for helping tiny babies. This Precious Star fund was started for you by a very special lady called Kylie. It is a wonderful idea as it is perfect for us as a family affected by both premature birth and premature loss. Thank you Kylie.

Though Esther and William will not be attending your funeral we want them to know that we thought of them whilst saying goodbye to you. We will ask the vicar to talk a bit about them and about how they were with you.

There will be a bible reading from Daddy’s Godmother and Uncle Steven will read you a story. The story of Laura’s Star. I have bought a copy of the book for you to have in your coffin and a copy each for Esther and William to keep too.

After the church and the crematorium all your cousins will join us and we will find a place to be outside where we will all blow you bubbles up to the sky. Watch out for them Matilda Mae they are sent full to bursting with our love. I am going to give each cousin a pot of bubbles and a copy of this story for their parents to share with them when the time is right.

Waterbugs and Dragonflies
Down below the surface of a quiet pond lived a little colony of water bugs. They were a happy colony, living far away from the sun. For many months they were very busy, scurrying over the soft mud on the bottom of the pond. They did notice that every once in a while one of their colony seemed to lose interest in going about with its friends. Clinging to the stem of a lily, it gradually moved out of sight and was seen no more. ‘Look!’ said one of the water bugs to another, ‘One of our colony is climbing up the lily stalk. Where do you suppose she is going?’ Up, up, up it went slowly. Even as they watched, the water bug disappeared from sight. Its friends waited and waited but it didn’t return. ‘That’s funny!’ said one water bug to another. ‘Wasn’t she happy here?’ asked a second water bug. ‘Were do you suppose she went?’ wondered a third. No one had an answer. They were greatly puzzled. Finally one of the water bugs, the leader of the colony, gathered its friends together. ‘I have an idea. The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk must promise to come back and tell us where she went and why.’ ‘We promise’, they said solemnly. One spring day, not long after, the very water bug who had suggested the plan found himself climbing up the lily stalk. Up, up, up he went. Before he knew what was happening, he had broken through the surface of the water, and had fallen onto the broad, green lily pad above. When he awoke, he looked about with surprise. He couldn’t believe what he saw. A startling change had come to his old body. His movement revealed four silver wings and a long tail. Even as he struggled, he felt an impulse to move his wings. The warmth of the sun soon dried the moisture from the new body. He moved his wings again and suddenly found himself up above the water. He had become a dragonfly. Swooping and dipping in great curves, he flew through the air. He felt exhilarated in the new atmosphere. By and by, the new dragonfly lighted happily on a lily pad to rest. Then it was that he chanced to look below to the bottom of the pond. Why, he was right above his old friends, the water bugs!. There they were, scurrying about, just as he had been doing some time before. Then the dragonfly remembered his promise: ‘The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk will come back and tell where he or she went and why’. Without thinking, the dragonfly darted down. Suddenly he hit the surface of the water and bounced away. Now that he was a dragonfly he could no longer go into the water. ‘I can’t return!’ he said in dismay. ‘At least I tried, but I can’t keep my promise. Even if I could go back, not one of the water bugs would know me in my new body. I guess I’ll just have to wait until they become dragonflies too. Then they’ll understand what happened to me, and where I went’. And the dragonfly winged off happily into its wonderful new world of sun and air.

Fly high little dragon fly!

My plans are coming together.

I will not let you down.

I love you Matilda Mae x

My darling baby daughter

I hope you are happy today

I have been collating photos of your cheeky grins and breathtaking smiles

I want to share them as part of the celebration I am planning for you

I have probably spent too much time dwelling on you today

It may have to be less tomorrow

Esther and William are not doing so well

They need my attention too

Esther has refused to go in the bath since Monday

I think it may be because you are not there

She is struggling having lots of people around

Tonight she would not go to bed

I think as she processes all that has happened and all that she hears

She is frightened

They saw you at bed time and in the morning you were gone

It makes me frightened too

We let Esther and William stay up late

Aunty Clare came round to play

Then Esther fell asleep in Daddy’s arms

We put her in her cot where she is sleeping soundly now

William goes to bed just fine but his sleep is very disturbed

They are missing you and mourning you in their own very different ways

William is loving all the people coming to the house

He loves his aunts and uncles and thinks they are there just for him

He is such a funny boy

I hope that you do not mind when we laugh with him

They need our laughter too

William sat with me today and looked at photos of you

He likes to see your pretty face

He saved some cake for you when playing tea parties

He knows that you are in the sky

Way up high in the sky

He asked to see more pictures of Baby Tilda

We looked at so many and you were smiling in every one

Were you so happy all the time because you knew you would not be with us long?

Esther was playing with the baby monitor today

She put it to her ear

I asked her what she could hear

She said she could hear Baby Tilda

These were her exact words

I can hear Baby Tilda?
I can hear Baby Tilda up in the sky.
She’s in the sky.
We loved her.
We lost her.
She died.
She’s in the sky.
There’s an aeroplane up there.

She brought tears to the eyes of everyone in the room

We miss you Matilda Mae

After your funeral my darling

Which I am trying so hard to plan

We are going to have some bubbles

You and the twins love them so

We will all blow bubbles up to the sky for you

Esther and William will have coloured bubbles

You can watch out for them, I’ll tell you when

They will be kisses from your brother and sister

Coloured kisses full of love

We love you so much Matilda Mae

Smile down on us today x

I can’t believe you are gone x RIP Beautiful Girl x

My darling Matilda Mae

9 months ago you were born to us our beautiful miracle baby.

I was not supposed to fall pregnant naturally but I did.

People did not expect me to carry you to term but I did.

I gave birth to you and I fell in love with you the moment that first we met.

I wore you close to my heart most days of your life. You were never a fan of a buggy.

I slept wrapped around you almost every night. You never were a fan of a cot.

The bigger and cheekier and cleverer you grew

The more we fell in love

I had such plans for you Matilda Mae

In my diary I had written down what day you would start pre school, your first day at school.

I was planning our adventures til then.

I planned out your bedroom for when you were moved. Pink horses and teepees, white bed.

You never made it into your own bedroom.

You never slept more than a metre from me for more than just a few hours.

Your cot remained in our room, right by the side of our bed.

Though mostly it lay empty as you attached to my breast through each night.

You woke me each morning with you nuzzling.

Gazing at me with your deep chocolate eyes.

My dearest darling Matilda Mae.

On the 2nd February 2013 you were exactly 9 months old.

You had been out in the world just as long as you were growing inside me.

You learned to crawl that very day.

You had been trying so hard all week but that day you gained power and speed.

The world was yours for the taking.

But instead I fear that you crawled to your death.

You crawled to the angels to take your place there.

Far far far too soon.

The last time I saw you with spirit and soul

I lay you down to sleep

I fed you as I always do then lay you in your cot

You were so beautiful, so peaceful, asleep

Later you cried and your Daddy came to soothe you, to wind you

Later still I came to feed you, just as I always do

I could not hear you breathing as I entered the darkened room

I placed my hand where your chest should be

To feel the movement of your breath

You were not there Matilda Mae

I could not find you where you were supposed to be

I turned on the light so quickly

And a horror met my eyes

You had turned and crawled under your blankets

I pulled you out but I knew

Before I saw you I knew

My beautiful darling daughter lay dead in my arms

She had gone from us while falling asleep

My precious daughter Matilda Mae

I screamed your Daddy’s name at the top of my voice

I shrieked I wailed I cried

Daddy tried so hard to save you

He did all he could til the ambulance came

They tried everything possible they could

But you were gone from us

Our beautiful baby was gone

A mother does not lose a baby

You were physically wrenched from my heart

I cannot imagine my life without you

I don’t know where to start

I love you with all that I am

I can’t bear that I could have saved you

I listened for you, you made no sound I heard

I should have checked you

I should have come to bed earlier

I should have known

I am your mummy

I should have saved you

I cannot believe that you are no longer here

I miss you with all that I am

You are my baby

No words can describe the searing pain in my heart

The mixture of love and loss and confusion and grief and desperation for what I am supposed to do without you

What are we supposed to do without you?

Dear Matilda Mae

You are with the stars now

You will be shining down on us as we remember you and live our lives in your honour

I am going to make you so proud and I am going to make your life matter

Just as soon as I can stop myself thinking that this is all just a bad dream and some time soon you will wake up and cry and I will lift you from your cot and you will wrap your arms round my neck and cuddle me as you have always done.

You are part of me.

You are dead and a part of me has died too.

I am not sure how to find the dawn after the night we found you sleeping.

Matilda Mae, the day she died